Sweet Sunday

Good Morning,

Today is Sunday, the day of the Sabbath. It's 7:30 and my family is asleep. The house is quiet. And I am so sick. We had the opportunity to take part in the wedding celebrations for my family and for the first time I think I can agree and say that I over did it. Bentley and I were gone all day thursday, friday and then Bentley was with Jacob on saturday. It's been non-stop go go go. I got no sleep and ate lots of unhealthy foods and even went a whole 24 hours almost without Bentley. And my body hates me for it.
Yes, it's true I almost went a whole day without Bentley. Jacob is the sweetest man alive and took Bentley home after the dinner on Friday so I could have a girl's night with the women in my family. It was fun. I didn't sleep, that's when I got sick, but it was fun.
Anyway, it was such a beautiful and sacred experience to go inside and hear what the sealer had to say (he is the one who performs marriages for members of our church. We actually call it a "Sealing".) Along with the beautiful ceremony he gave some advice that I think anyone can use.
1. To the husband: Never EVER raise your voice to your wife. With one exception, When the house is on fire. (President David O McKay used to say this as his advice to married couples)

2. To the husband: you must do everything you possibly can think of to make your spouse as happy as you can.

Then he said, "If you will do these things, your wife will do more than reciprocate because you have chosen a beautiful and worthy woman."

It's true, though, this life is all about serving others and learning self-mastery. How many marriages would fail if each husband and wife made an  unfailing effort to do everything they possibly could think of to make their spouse happy? Think of all the selfless service and giving that would go on in a home. What a beautiful ideal. A beautiful practice.

He also said that in your "sweetheart prayers" you should mention specific qualities and attributes about your spouse that you appreciate and thank the Lord for them. Not only to show gratitude to the father but also to show gratitude and praise to the one who is sealed to you for time and all eternity. Your spouse will be listening, especially to that part.

The wedding was beautiful and wonderful. The reception looked fantastic. All the plans went off without a hitch, the slideshow and interview videos made the families ooh and ah. Kind of exciting that I have 6 more weddings to help with in the future--well, not counting friend's weddings or that of my children.

Bentley has been a champion in all of this. He has had less sleep than I think he can ever remember not having and he is teething and he won't eat ANYTHING but he still manages to be happy and playful and curious. Apparently he slept through the night for Jacob. He must have felt the lack of feminine touch in the house because last night he got me up at 4 AM. :D Silly boy.

At the reception my brothers taught Bentley to knock on doors and say, "knock, knock". He knows exactly what to do too. I know I say this all the time but I can't believe how fast he is growing up. People keep asking me if he is two. ha ha. Poor Bentley. He's just getting so tall and he says so much, people are going to start expecting more maturity from him  if he doesn't quit it!

Well, all right, enough for today, I need to go start breakfast and take a shower and prepare for church. I hope you have a good day!


Courtney

:: This post is not for the faint of heart ::

I could write a scathing blog post about the insensitivity of the general populace. I could. I did. I won't post it though, because while anger is part of the grieving process it isn't very productive and it really is only a cover for pain. And there is nothing wrong with pain. There is nothing wrong with being sad.

Although, I will say that sometimes people do really mean well. They try their hardest to make the best of every circumstance when sometimes you really don't want to hear it, or you just want someone to sit down with you and say, "man, what's going on is really unfortunate." Sometimes just the fact that someone said something at all can get me going. It's really unfair to expect people to know how you are feeling at every moment of the day. 

I will say, however, that for me most days are pretty swell. I am pregnant and happy. I have one child and another on the way. Brooklyn is most likely to be a joint-custody child. Heavenly Father will allow us a visit at the beginning, but then she will live with Him. I know this. 

What frustrates me, however, is that when people see me they don't know what is going through my head or my heart. They see a 22 year old girl who is pregnant with a child that has a "concerning diagnosis". And she's smiling. I have seen the look on a doctor's face all too often lately. It's hard to explain unless you've seen it but it's a look of concern overlaid by a look of professional nonchalance. It always comes before they ask, "And your daughter's diagnosis has been explained to you?"

I think in a few months after Brooklyn is born or in a year or so when people begin to forget about the events that took place in my life 'so long ago' people will stop asking me to relive the moment when I knew Brooklyn would have a short life. I assure everyone who is reading this blog, that there is no part of "Trisomy 18" and "Double outlet right ventrical" or even "Not compatible with life" that I don't comprehend. I am smiling because I am making the best out of my own situation. I am the one who is living with a child in my womb, a time-bomb, if I may. I am the one who feels her kicking from within. I am the one who asks people to feel her move. I am the one who thinks about her first thing in the morning and pictures her swaddled in my arms before I go to sleep at night. I am the one who has picked out her headstone, who has consulted with mortuaries, met with doctors and picked out fabric for a burial gown. And in the end I am the one who will give birth to the sweet, darling baby girl in my womb. 

 

There are days when I can't breathe. When Bentley goes to sleep and I just sit at my table and cry. When I think that the day will come when she will be born and things will go terribly wrong and that I will just stand by as my little girl passes through the veil into the spirit world. I lay awake at night wondering if it will be quick or if it will be slow. And my heart aches. The closer I get to delivery the more images flash through my head, small scenes of what may come to pass. And no, it doesn't help when doctors discuss specific complications that result in death in such a nonchalant tone. That's my child they are talking about. And she hasn't passed yet, so let's not talk about her in the past-tense.

And she is a blessing. This whole experience is a blessing. Yes, there are moments when my heart is breaking--but then there are moments when I get to hold my son and enjoy my daughter a little longer and my heart is full of gratitude for the blessings that I have. I don't know that I am handling my situation any better than the next person, but through all of this, the ups and downs and the sadness and the frustrations I know that everything will be okay. 

How?  You really want to know how? Genuinely?

When my heart aches and I just want to cry, I kneel down in a room my myself and I pray unto my God. I pour my heart out to Him. I pour my heart out to His son for he is the only person who can even comprehend my situation. Not only that, Jesus felt every emotion that I am going through and He is perfectly qualified to hold me in his arms and say "Everything will be okay." 

And I feel peace.

It's not always right away. He always lets me get my feelings out of the way and then I feel His peace wrap around me like a blanket and while, sometimes, I may still be sad It's not unbearable anymore. God has always opened up His windows in heaven and showered my family with blessings. I have made promises to Him and He has made promises to me. He will provide for my family spiritually, emotionally, physically. Everything will be okay. And when they aren't okay, He will hold my hand so that they will feel okay until I can figure out what to do next. 

And He has provided so many wonderful resources in our modern day, wonderful resources that women could only wish for 50 years ago. 

There are ultrasounds which allowed me to learn about Brooklyn before she was born--and see her. I get to see her every month!

There is a free grieving counselor through Angel Watch in the Utah Valley and other services like that for women and families going through infant loss.

People make bears for momentos and make plaster molds of your infant's hands and feet.

Funeral homes give you free usage of their buildings and charge minimally for their services.

Professional Photographers volunteer their services through NowILayMeDownToSleep.

There are support groups and kind people who serve and uplift all the time.

We have been truly blessed.

And yes, sometimes I am sad. Sometimes we need to be sad. It helps us keep perspective. But in the end it will all be okay. I have my family forever. And nothing could be more comforting than that. Death is not the end of all things. On the contrary, it is the beginning.

And I look forward to a beautiful beginning with my daughter in the afterlife.

...like crazy!!

A young woman approaching her mission date to Scotland/Ireland shared this thought in her talk. There was a list of things to do hanging up that said stuff like this:

Shower
Read scriptures
Pray
Get ready

etc...

Well apparently a missionary wrote after all of the phrases "like crazy" so the list now reads like this:

Shower like crazy!
Read scriptures like crazy!
Pray like crazy!
Get ready like crazy!

and I'd like to add a few more.

Love like crazy!
Serve like crazy!
Clean like crazy!
Work hard like crazy!
Play with your kids like crazy!
Worship the Lord like crazy!!

It made me smile. She then went on to ask, "When was the last time you read your scriptures like crazy?"

Today as I was trying to read my scriptures like crazy I was reading in the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, in the book of Mosiah chapters 9 and 10 (see Chapter 10 ). It is a story about the people of Zeniff, a group of people who wanted to return to Zerahemla to possess the land of their fathers. Feel free to read the chapters. Anyway, Zeniff's leader wanted Zeniff to spy on the people of Lamanites and to destroy them but Zeniff saw they were good people. So he told his leader he wouldn't do it. His leader wanted to kill him and their army started to fight within themselves and Zeniff was spared.

Which brings me to my first lesson of the day: Sometimes while trying to live virtuous lives with integrity we will need to do hard things, even when it may mean losing our lives.

Then after Zeniff's leader is killed in the battle they go home to tell the families of those who died what happened. Zeniff then returns to negotiate with the Lamanite king that he was spying on to see if Zeniff's people can take back Zerahemla. The Lamanite king basically says "of course!" and his people leave Zarahemla. As I read this, I thought to myself..."that was far too easy..."

Point number two: Sometimes when something that should be difficult is far too easy to accomplish, look twice at your circumstance. If the path you are on has no resistance from Satan, maybe you should look a little closer.

You see, the people of Zeniff are what we call "Nephites" and the Nephites and Lamanites come from the same ancestry. There was a lot of hard feelings while their family was leaving Jerusalem and Laman (who the people of the lamanites are named for) wanted to kill Nephi, his brother (for whom the nephites are named) because Laman did not believe that God told Nephi's family to leave Jerusalem. Nephi and his wife and all those who would listen left the party before Laman and his brother Lemuel could cause any more strife and the people of the Laman became a very hatefilled people. They taught their children to hate the nephites and to want to kill them because they felt like Nephi had stolen Laman's right to rule the people and had taken them away from their luxurious life in Jerusalem.

Back to the story. The Lamanite people let Zeniff's people come into the land so that after they had worked the soil and become farmers and created a productive community the Lamanites could come in and steal their crops and take what they wanted. 12 years later that's what began to happen. Zeniff's people. As the people of the Zeniff forgot the Lord they were brought into bondage, but as they cried unto the Lord they were protected. During one of the battles that ensued 3,000 of the Lamanites were slain, whereas only 300-ish of the people of Zeniff were killed. Afterward Zeniff caused that weapons of war should be made to protect the people against the lamanites from attacking again.

Point three: There is nothing wrong with defending your family or your people. Of course we would all rather not, but when push comes to shove, there is nothing wrong with defending your faith, your beliefs or your people.

Point Four: All things are possible through God. Against all odds these people accomplished many incredible feats. I'm still reading about them and refreshing my memory but I think it is a good lesson to remember that when we are on the Lord's side he will bless us and when we are not on the Lord's side we will be brought into bondage, whether that is physical or spiritual.

We have about 39 days left until the weekend before our induction. It is my hope that through the next 39 days as I study the scriptures and study the talks given at the LDS General Conference that our home will be blessed by the spirit of the Lord. It is the only way I can think to prepare myself for the challenges ahead.

You are welcome to join our family as we pray and study--if only to strengthen your conviction and your testimony of Jesus Christ.

In His sacred name,

Amen.

Update on life n' stuff

Hi again, it's me.
I know it's been awhile. I actually wrote a blog post a few days ago but my wifi was mysteriously not working so I never uploaded it to my blog. I took it as a sign. ha ha.

Just a general update for you. Life is pretty good in the Williams' home. Many people that we know are getting married or having babies and the air is full of good feelings. My brother is getting married to a very intelligent, kind woman--and she is beautiful. Inside and out. We couldn't be happier. This next week will be filled with their wedding celebration and I am pleased to be part of it.

Jake has one more final exam and then he will do research for the next semester. I know he is very excited. He will be able to research and work on his prospectus and not have to worry about studying for a test or finishing up an assignment that has been looming over his head. He will be able to go in and work for a fixed amount of hours and then come home and be with his family. A bonus!

Bentley is getting too big. We have a neighbor who is 20 months old and Bentley is nearly as tall as he is. Bentley, of course, is only 14 months, so I am understandably proud of my tall little man. He fills my home with laughter and with baby gibberish. He seems to think he is SO OLD. He talks ALL DAY LONG. He can even say 3 distinct phrases. "Who is it?" "What's that?" and "I don't know" He slurs it all together so it sounds like one word but I have asked him to repeat these three phrases and he does it each time I ask him. What a smarty pants. His vocabulary is getting progressively larger as well. And he is finding weird new things to entertain him. This week he is fascinated by the Mini-trampoline I pulled out and the ice buttons on the refrigerator. He always says "pe, pe, pe!" (please) and points to the buttons. He just wants to push them! Oh, and he is OBSESSED with lids. Milk-carton lids, the lid to the wheat bucket, the bubbles' lid, tupperware, you name it! Apparently it's so cool.

Brooklyn is currently kicking or punching the same spot of my uterus over and over again. She is also getting bigger and I can feel her more and more. My belly seems to be lower and lower. I even had the relief society president pull me aside and ask if she should be worried about me giving birth at any second. I asked my doctor and he said that every woman carries differently and he isn't worried about it. Kind of makes me laugh because he's only seen me twice and I haven't seen any of the doctors enough for any of them to say much about the size or position of my belly. How would they know? The relief society president sees me every week, the doctor has tons of pregnant patients and has seen me twice. He didn't even look at my chart until after I questioned his measurement of how big Brooklyn was--he told me she was 5 lbs. I questioned him, so he measured her again. 3 lbs was his second guess. Hah. nice. Anyway, she's getting bigger. We have about 43ish days until we will be induced.
People joke that I'm ready to get her out of me--usually people who don't know what is going on--but I just smile and laugh. Honestly, she could stay in there as long as she wants.

To be truthful I'm a little moody these days. Call it frustration, call it hormones, call it grieving. I really don't know why. I just feel...sad. Like I want to be sad about something. Or I want to be irritated about something. Every time I start feeling good something has to harsh my mellow and then I am grumpy again. (I wish you were all here right now, Brooklyn is kicking me SO much right now!)
It really doesn't help that I am exhausted. I am so tired all the time. I slept from 10 until 5 this morning, and even slept from 745-900 AM and I have been sleepy all day. I will have to just go to bed early tonight. Maybe i'll get into bed around 9:30 tonight. Ah. Sweet sleep.

Sorry I'm complaining. I know there are people in this world who have things much worse off than I do. :) Life is good. I have a wonderful family. God takes care of us. Don't worry about us. :) we're doing fine.
Family is coming into town this weekend and my mother-in-law will be here on the sixteenth. It will be fun. We're looking forward to seeing her again.

Well, cheers, everyone. Have a great day!

Love ya!

Visit to the NICU

On Wednesday my little family went to the hospital to have a consultation with one of their Newborn intensive care doctors. My first impression of the building was that it was very clean and designed to feel much less clinical than an ordinary hospital. The lobby was blue and had a TV for watching and children's books on the table. :D Clearly, we live in Utah. (Which just means that there are lots of babies and kids are expected to come with the parents).
Anyway, we went into the Consultation room with Bentley (which actually isn't allowed. ha ha.) the staff were very nice. They brought Bentley crayons and paper to color while we waited.
The Doctor we met with was very kind. At my request he gave us a run down of how thing may unfold. We talked about what happens if Brooklyn comes still born, and what will happen if she is born alive. We mainly focused on what happens if she is born alive.
If she is born alive they will check her for signs of Trisomy 18, check her breathing and her blood pressure and then, if all is well, they will show her to me and take her to the NICU to stabilize her. An IV will be given, they will test her body to see if all her systems are in sync and they will invite those who want to see her to come back into the NICU. I will have to wait until I am stable, but then I will be able to go see her as well. Best case scenario, she will be fine for a few weeks. We will learn how to feed her with a food tube and if she needs oxygen we will learn how to give the oxygen as well as adjust it for her Oxygen levels in her body. They will give us an oxygen monitor for her foot so we can watch her oxygen and then, after we feel comfortable they will allow us to go home. They said to expect having her in the NICU for 5-7 days while we learn how to care for her.

If she is NOT doing well at time of birth, she is gasping, she's in pain, her blood pressure is bad, etc... then they said they would let us hold her immediately and let us have family time and see how she is doing for the first 24 hours. An IV will be given and she will be given medication to make her comfortable.

These are just game plans. It all comes down to what my husband and I want.

Once I am stable enough, supposing Brooklyn is doing well, they actually have rooms (like hotel rooms) for parents to stay in free of charge. So long as I don't need further care we can stay in those rooms for a few days. It appeals to me because Brooklyn could be in the room with us and we could be near her. Which would be ideal if she passes away quickly.

There are still many details to nail down but how can we know what to do until the time comes? We can't. So we are just waiting. 8 more weeks until we expect her arrival.

What I like about the hospital is that their NICU is 24 hours. There are no "visiting" hours for parents. I can sit next to Brooklyn all day and all night. I can actually hold her, even if she needs an incubator and it will be fine. I am allowed to feed her and talk to her and sleep by her bedside and they will never ask me to leave. They even have a curtain to pull around to give us privacy. And a nurse will be on call and by the phone if I am in my own room and get nervous about how she's doing.

Having more information on what could happen and what might happen gives me more peace. To know that she won't have to suffer if she is in pain, she will never be alone and that we will be given the means and tools to take care of her when we take her home.

For now, we will wait and see what the future holds. We have to remember that there is another child to consider in all this, his needs and wants and comfort. :) We're just parents. We're doing the best we can.

Words of Wisdom from the Scriptures.

This morning as Jacob and I were reading in the Doctrine and Covenants we came upon chapter 38. I was a little startled by the message that I received.

 29 Ye hear of ^awars in far countries, and you say that there will soon be great wars in far countries, but ye know not the hearts of men in your own land.

I have been so shocked by some of the articles I have seen lately. I'm sure some of you saw this one on facebook:

MSNBC kids don't belong to their parents:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2013/04/09/why_msnbc__the_left_resent_good_parents_117868.html?fb_action_ids=10151328561595047&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=timeline_og&action_object_map=%7B%2210151328561595047%22%3A145299792314522%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151328561595047%22%3A%22og.recommends%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

There is a gulf that is increasingly widening between what the wisdom of the WORLD says and what God says.

Apparently the world thinks that family is a bad thing, that we are causing inequality because our children happen to have two parents and that the notion of a "family" is a "retrograde" idea and that it is dangerous to our whole way of living.

Budgeting and being wise with your money has been disproved by the government and their shameless use of money.

Marriage is no longer about a covenant with God but the rights and hurt feelings of those who cannot seem to conform to the bounds that God has set and so, the covenant needs to be changed. Traditional marriage is outdated and doomed to fail.

The life of a child is in debate--human or not at 20 weeks? 30 weeks? 40 weeks? And gender selected abortion is an insidious evil that has been in the country for years.

Immorality is praised and considered natural and normal and any form of abstinence or moral code is looked upon as extreme.

Drugs and alcohol grip the country like a vice and there is talk of legalizing drugs in the U.S.

The cunning of the Devil never ceases to amaze me and his influence over the world has never been more obvious. I wish that the people of the world would wake up and realize that the flaxen cord that Satan has bound them with has strengthened into chains. And soon those of us who hold fast to the word of God will be despised for our devotion to God and for the standards which we stand for. It's frightening, really, when you think about it.

 30 I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore,^atreasure up ^bwisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men reveal these things unto you by their wickedness, in a manner which shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth; but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear.

This world is going CRAZY. It is exploding with erroneous thinking and mislaid good intentions. All that the founding fathers worked for is disintegrating and as the scripture say the Constitution will hang by a thread--it already is. But I know that God cannot lie. And he gives us the scriptures. He gives us warnings and tells us to prepare and if we are prepared we shall not fear.

 40 And again, I say unto you, I give unto you a commandment, that every man, both elder, priest, teacher, and also member, go to with his might, with the ^alabor of his ^bhands, to prepare and accomplish the things which I have commanded.

Fear not. Man cannot hurt you. Not really. They can hurt your body, but after that, what can they do? God will have you for eternity and your reward in heaven will compensate for any and all unfair things that happen in life.

41 And let your ^apreaching be the ^bwarning voice, every man to his neighbor, in mildness and in ^cmeekness.

 42 And go ye ^aout from among the ^bwicked. Save yourselves. Be ye ^cclean that bear the vessels of the Lord. Even so. Amen.

 22 Wherefore, hear my voice and ^afollow me, and you shall be a^bfree people, and ye shall have no laws but my laws when I come, for I am your ^clawgiver, and what can stay my hand?

We have a job to do. We need to go out and preach His gospel. We need to share the knowledge that He has given us with all of our brothers and sisters. Everyone deserves to hear the good word of God. We have promised to do this and so let's do it. And as the world goes crazy we need to have faith in God's plan. In his laws and his commandments. We need to be involved in the community and let our voices be heard that we will stand for God when no one else will.

Anyway, I'm a little fired up this morning.

I know that God lives. I know His son is Jesus Christ and that He died so that I could live with my family again and so that I could repent of my sins and live with Him in heaven. I know He speaks today and sets forth the commandments and laws of his kingdom and that I have covenanted with Him to keep his commandments. I know the family is sacred. I know marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and I know that no matter what happens in life God will win in the end and He is just and all things that we endure in this life will be for our gain. I know that Satan is striving to reap the souls of men, tossing his head like a Lion but Jesus is mighty to save and He will overcome Satan as he has overcome death, as he has overcome our sins and our transgressions and our heartaches. I know this because I have prayed about it. I have felt the power of the spirit testifying to my heart and you can too.

If you haven't read the Book of Mormon, read it. It too testifies of Christ. It is a companion to the Bible. And a man will get closer to God by reading the Book of Mormon than by reading any other book.

I testify that these things are true. And if you do read the Book of Mormon and pray about it sincerely wanting to know if it is true God will answer your prayers and then you will know too that He speaks to His people in this day.

I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ.

Playing on Conference Sunday. :D Bentley shows off his bias. - Courtney

Eating Healthy and Playing at the Park

Yesterday while listening to conference I had a thought. See, I have been really good about sticking to my "Real Food" diet. This means, of course, no refined grains, no unhealthy fats or oils and lots and lots of fruits and vegetables (protein is fine too). I have to say that it really hasn't been that hard to curb my cravings. I don't find it difficult to say no to twinkies or cookies or even cinnamon rolls--call me crazy... but I really don't  want them. I feel like I get enough sugar from my fruit and that's usually good enough for me. What's hard for me is that my pallet is so accustomed to sugar in EVERYTHING. Sugary Peanut Butter, sugary jam, sugar in my muffins and my bread etc... And with no refined grains and no unhealthy oils I literally have to make everything myself. Don't get me wrong, it's delicious. (I have a point to this, I swear. Bear with me a little longer.) I use Honey in place of sugar and make sauces out of fruit to improve flavors but the tastes are just not the same. 

(By the way, Bentley just woke up and exclaimed, "Jesus!" as Dad carried him out of the bedroom ha ha ha)

As I was listening to conference the thought occurred to me that living the Gospel is kind of like eating a "Real Food Diet".

Today when you go to the supermarket you will pick up bread, cheese, fruit and vegetables and milk (or anything like unto it). These foods are fundamental foods in a diet, however the products that you purchase at the store have gone through several man-made processes. The fruit is altered and shipped across the world to look flawless and perfectly ripe. The grains are processed and the healthier parts removed. Milk is processed and re-thickened and sweetened and the cheese--well, actually the cheese has been fine as far as I'm aware. 

Some people say that eating this way is extreme. Well, isn't it? Maybe. All I'm doing is removing my body from eating the processed food of man.

The idea behind the diet is essentially that God has given us everything for our body to be healthy. Every strawberry and blue berry has attributes that contribute to our health and work together for the fortifying and nourishing of each of our systems. When the food goes through the processes that we have come up with to preserve the food by adding tons of refined sugar or other chemicals we are adding things that don't belong and we are taking away the food until the food isn't giving us the benefits that it once was supposed to give us. In summary: 

Now, let me just say: I am not trying to say that everyone needs to jump on this bandwagon and eat only unprocessed food. No. I'm not. It's just a healthy diet or life change and it teaches some good eating healthy principles.

What I am really trying to say is that every day as we take things into our minds, our hearts and our bodies we are given many choices. Do we consume the processed, prepackaged man-made foods (or, the philosophies of men, mingled with scripture)? Or are we partaking of the whole food, fresh fruit, fresh enzyme packed milk that the Lord has offered to us?

Changing my life to be a more christ-centered life has been exactly like eating this diet. I have hobbies and interests that I enjoy--probably a little too much. And sometimes living the Lord's way and being a dilligent servant means that even though we are accustomed to watching certain movies, playing certain games or just spending our time doing some kind of leisure activity we need to make healthier choices for our spirit. Instead of playing a video game that imitates life, go outside and play with your children. Instead of reading a book all day long about a hero helping someone in need, go out and be that hero. Or read the scriptures!

At first, you want to go back to what you were doing, just like my mouth wanting my delicious peanut butter and jelly on white bread that I cannot have anymore. And it can be hard to resist the temptation to just take a bite. Just do that activity a little bit. Don't! Resist! choose to take into your spirit the pure, delicious natural tastes of life. 

Spend time with your family. Read the scriptures often. Drink deeply from living water. Breath fresh air, love deeply. Avoid the philosophies of men mingled with scripture. It is not a healthy diet and will not give you all the nutrients and spiritual health benefits that you need!

Just like eating a no-sugar diet, at first the change can be difficult to break the habits and tastes that you are accustomed to, but as you stick to it and pray for direction and strength you will be able to do it. And, with time, your pallet will change. The naturally sweetened foods will become delicious to you and the processed man-made sugary foods will seem less desirable. You will yearn for them no longer.

It's not easy. It takes effort to eat a spiritually "Real Food" diet. It takes constant vigilance to make sure you are not being fooled into taking something into your spirit that claims to be "healthy" but isn't. It takes discipline and self control and you have to think about it ALL THE TIME. But you can do it.

Whether you are on your quest to eat healthier food or to become more spiritually healthy I know that the Lord will help you. He is always there to help you on your quest do to something better to learn and to grow. And as for His gospel. It is always there. Pray for His help in your daily quests, whatever it is. But I promise you that as you strive to fill your spiritual diet with whole, unprocessed gospel truths your life will fill with light and you will feel spiritually strong and enlightened. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

We took Bentley to the park between the LDS General Conference sessions to kind of get the wiggles out and have some family fun. Bentley had so much fun. As you can see, his Dad did too. It's so fun to watch Bentley explore new things especially when he's a little apprehensive about it first. He tries his best to be a good sport about it because he trusts his parents but sometimes I can tell he would rather be ANYWHERE doing ANYTHING else.

Dad and Bentley were inside the tunnel and I just couldn't help myself. It cracks me up that Jacob was INSIDE the tunnel with Bentley. He and I are getting too big to do such a thing. Ah, the things we do for our children, am I right? Jake and Bentley are so cute together. First thing in the morning Bentley says "Dada!" and I have to take him out into the front room so Jake can catch a few more minutes of sleep before school. He loves his dad and is always all giggles with they play.

And, no, Bentley was not having fun in this picture. I had to sing Little Bunny Foo Foo in order for him to smile like that. He really didn't care for the swings. He always grit his teeth and gave a nervous giggle as he moved back and forth. His eyes said "HELP ME!!!" Ha ha. So funny.

(This video contributed by Jake)

Peri-natologist appointment

This is what happens when Bentley wants to get up at 4 AM.

Hello again, it's me. Today I feel really good. I'm tired, but, hey, could be worse. Anyway, my purpose today is to update everyone on the progress of my pregnancy.
Brooklyn is about 2.6 lbs (but the ultrasound is usually off by .6 lbs, so she's probably 2 lbs) at 30 weeks and 3 days. The tech guesstimated that she would be between 4-5 lbs at birth. Which means I can go ahead and buy some preemie clothes. :D How cute. Her cysts in her brain are gone, though the doctor says it doesn't mean anything. Her hands are still balled--she's got one finger on one hand that is extended and her thumb and forefinger on the other hand that is extended. Her stomach looks normal and her body is growing.

The indicators that she has Trisomy 18 are still very visible. Her heart--which is not Transposition of the Greater Vessels like I thought--is still malformed. The doctor informed me today that he thinks her heart defect is actually Double Outlet Right Ventricle. It doesn't change much of what has been said already, the blood will still bypass the lungs but the VSD or the Ventrical Septal Defect that she has (I believe he said) means that she might actually live a lot longer than I think! (That is to say, days to weeks rather than minutes to days).

Which is why I am so joyful today! You know, it's strange. For someone else hearing this might be devastating, but seriously. I've been to the far edge and back. To know that I may get to take my daughter home and love her and care for her for a few days is more than I had hoped. Granted, that means we still have to get through the next 10 weeks without going into preterm labor or losing her to stillbirth, but the doctor said my uterus looks good, and there are no indications that I am preparing for birth. Which is great!

Keep in mind that I know that she could still go any day, but I have hope that I will see her in the living, breathing flesh.

We didn't meet with the Neo-Natologists today, they were apparently busy with a "birth" as my doctor put it. I will call them tomorrow to set up a time to meet with them. We will discuss with us what exactly we can expect after birth. We will probably discuss a food tube, since Brooklyn will likely not be able to feed by herself--a bottle or otherwise-- and we will discuss comfort care and whether or not she will be a DNR patient. It all comes down to what Jacob and I want. If you want the details of that meeting, I may put them up here, or you may just need to ask me. We'll see how it goes.

I went to wal-mart the other day and looked at fabric for a blessing dress/burial gown. They had some beautiful fabric, so I may not cut up my wedding dress anyway. Mainly because the pattern on my wedding dress is not what I want on her dress and the color is off-white. I just need to get a needle for the sewing machine, thread, ribbons and fabric and voila. I can make a dress. I might end up buying one, but for now the jury is out.

My blood pressure has been a little high also so I am trying this new thing. It's called 100 days of real food, but I'm only going to do it for 10 days and I'm going to have my Visiting Teacher take my blood pressure and see if it goes down. What I'm doing is cutting out all refined sugars and refined grains and modified grains...anything super processed. So far it's going well. I have accidentally eaten one or two thing with sugar in them but I stopped right away when I realized what I was doing. Ha ha. It's been almost an entire day. 9 days left.
My sister cut out sugar from her diet and her blood pressure looks great--so, let's see how this goes as well.

As for the rest of the family, Bentley has the need to stab everything with his own fork and scoop everything with his own spoon. He screams at me when I take them away from him. He also has a hard time focusing on eating unless I turn on Blue's Clue's and then he's a ZOMBIE. He will just sit there and eat for the whole episode, well, until he's full. I know it's a bad practice but I'm pregnant and I'm tired. Let's see how you handle it.

Jake had an eagle Court of Honor that we were invited to go to. Jacob is the Eagle Scout Coordinator in our ward and so he helps some of the young men figure everything out at the end so they can get their eagle. Anyway, one of the Eagles were touched by how much work Jacob went to to help him get his "Eagle". Jacob was awarded the "Mentor Pin" for being such a great mentor. :D Isn't my huband great? He deserves it.
School is almost out for the semester. Jake doesn't have classes next semester so it will be all research. And guess what!? He's already done with his first year!!! He tells me we have 3 more years and then we are done! How lucky are we!?

All right, well, this has gone on long enough.

Thanks for reading, everyone! Enjoy conference. Thank you for your prayers! Please keep them coming. I need all the blessings that the Lord is sending us!


Love,

Courtney

Easter

Good Morning!

I assume you all realize that I am writing this on April 1st, but it's no April Fools joke! I wanted to write about easter! April Fools! :) Just kidding. 

"Yesterday" if you want to be very technical, was a beautiful Easter Sunday. The sun was up and out and the Daffodils were all in bloom. We actually started out our celebration on Saturday--to indulge the commercialism in all of us. Here are some pictures.

(Friday) Some woman, coloring eggs with my kid. :) 

The hunt is on!

Bentley Couldn't decide if he should eat it or scramble it from within.

His decision has been reached.  Settled for a scowl.

He may be small, but he's got this egg thing down! The plastic eggs got a shake, but these real eggs were great for hitting together! And for some reason...he couldn't eat them?

Hunting with Dad. :D too cute.

Ah, the egg OPENS and then I find Candy I hate. Next year, Dad buys the candy.

We had fun searching for eggs. There are more plastic eggs just hanging around in some places. I hid some for Jake and kind of just threw Bentley's all over the house. I couldn't justify doing the egg hunt on Sunday just to promote commercialism, but I'm working on a some kind of symbolic skew. What I have so far is that eggs represent new life and that we search the scriptures, and thus, after the Savior. :) I thought it was pretty good, but, you know, It's a start.

Today we held our first official Easter at home! It was just Bentley, Jake, Brooklyn, the Lord and I. And we had our first Easter meal. I made ham, grilled asparagus, rolls, mashed potatoes and Deviled eggs--which inevitably we forgot. ha ha.  We attended church and discussed the gathering of Zion and The First Great Commandment (a talk given by Jeffrey R Holland of the quorum of the 12 apostles) So, we didn't directly speak of Easter at church, but that's okay. Leaves more stuff to do at home.

I really liked talking about the First Great Commandment, though. As we talked I came to the realization that we really only have two choices in this life: 1. Follow Christ. 2. Follow Satan. It seems like there are way too many choices in this life and now every choice is about sides. What political or social group is being represented and what their agenda is, what your ethical view is, etc... but Christ has given us the key! You can tell which of your two choices is being presented by you by asking this question: Does the action, thought or ideal lead me toward Christ and is in keeping with the doctrine He has given us? If the answer is yes, then you are on the right path.
If the answer is no, don't shake your "magic 8 ball" and ask again later. Accept that you are looking at the wrong side of our battle and select a different path. You shouldn't be asking a "magic" anything to begin with ;)

Along this line of thinking the question was posed. Do we really love the Lord? Do we understand what it means to love the Lord with all our heart, all our might, mind  and strength? 

Let me pose the question a different way.

Which Loved Best? By Joy Allison

"I love you, Mother," said little John.
Then forgetting his work, his cap went on.
And he was off to the garden swing,
Leaving his Mother the wood to bring.
"I love you, Mother," said little Nell.
"I love you more than tongue can tell."
"Then she teased and pouted half the day,
Till Mother rejoiced when she went to play.

"I love you, Mother," said little Fan.
"Today I’ll help you all I can."
To the cradle then she did softly creep,
And rocked the baby till it fell asleep.

Then stepping softly, she took the broom,
And swept the floor, and dusted the room.Busy and happy all day was she,
Helpful and cheerful as child could be.

"I love you, Mother," again they said.
Three little children, going to bed.
How do you think that Mother guessed
Which of them really loved her best?

:) The Lord has said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments."

So I just want you to take a moment and ask yourself.

Do I love the Lord with all my Might?

With all my mind?

With all my strength?

With all of my heart?

Like in the poem, will the Lord know that I love him by my actions?

Today is a day for celebration. A day for remembrance. Jesus Christ, the son of God suffered in the garden of Gethsemane and was hung on a cross. He then lay in a tomb for three days and then he was resurrected. 

And in doing so he loosed the bonds of sin

He overcame death and hell

He experienced all our sorrow and suffering and joys down to our minutest pains

He provided a way for us to be forgiven

He made families eternal, so we can be with loved ones again

He bought us with His blood

He paid the debt we can never repay

And all He asks is that we keep His commandment. Starting with the first and great commandment. Love the Lord with all thy heart, with all thy might, with all thy  mind and with all thy Strength.

:D Happy Easter everyone. I pray that this Easter will aid our deeper conversion to the Lord and his Gospel. Let us all love the Lord a little deeper this year. 

I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ.