For the past few days I have have suffered with a dreadful ache in my chest. I feel my heart longing for home, oddly enough. Don't get me wrong, I love my house where I live, it is beautiful and spacious and I couldn't ask for a better home or neighborhood, but still, I long for the one bedroom apartment in Alabama that Jake and I made our very first home. I long for the spirit of that home, the feeling that it was mine and Jacob's and it was our own life and I long for the furniture that cost us 15 bucks collectively. I miss the TV stand, watching The Office after a long twelve hour shift at the hospital. I miss lunches with Sara and Machiel, I miss Sunday dinners with the Williams and the Miller families. I miss Papa and his ridiculous peanuts, and Angela and her sweet smile. I miss talking books with Derek and Kelli and hearing Tyler's off to the side inanimate object jokes. Most of all, despite the horrid weather and the eerie sound of the tornado sirens I miss the pouring rain and the crazy wind and the minute mountain that is Alabama. (I miss all the babies too)
I don't think I could adequately describe the feelings that I have about the video above, where we lived in a house with no previous memories or habits associated with, on our way to start our family that we decided to have on our own, in our own little home, making our own little life together. I will always treasure that time, even though we had too much furniture and no room, I smacked my head on the refrigerator door and even though I was in Alabama I still had to scrape my windows.
I believe no matter where I am I will miss where I have been. There are pros and cons to every place you live, every stage of life. I thought the other day what it would be like to suddenly wake up, as if in one of those movies, and suddenly be single again with the knowledge that I had once had Jacob and Bentley. Even the thought brought tears to my eyes. I think in my movie I would be obsessed with finding a way back to my husband and my son, I couldn't bear it. Even for a day. I can trade houses and schools and jobs and friends and weather, but I would never trade my family.
I can hardly believe as I look back on my life that it has already been nearly a year since we shot this video-- a night of no sleep. Ha ha. The night our lives changed again, miraculously and forever. I can only try to imagine what it must be like to bring other children into a home or see your child go on a date for the first time, or school, or heavens, get married. How odd. I don't even want to think about it anymore.
This morning as I went to the Timpanogos Temple I had a moment as I drove on a road parallel with the temple. The morning sky was pitch black and the temple was there, beaming in all of its magnificent, majestic beauty. And I had the thought that all of the darkness in the world can't put out even a single drop of light, let alone the light that shines from the Temple. What a sacred house of the Lord. What a beautiful place we can go to be strengthened against the darkness of this world. We are truly blessed to have a Father in Heaven who loves us as much as He does.
OK, let's move on from my reverie.
Bentley's teeth are almost all the way in. He is such a silly boy, he loves to play with chairs and boxes and his laugh brings a smile to my face every time. He understands more and more every day. Whenever Jake does homework he feels neglected so he (Bentley) will crawl over to him and whimper. So cute. When I am cleaning, however, he will just crawl around my feet and talk, sometimes he will grab my skirt or my pants and pull on them.
This morning when I came home from the temple Bentley gave me the biggest grin and leaned toward me with his hands outstretched, he then grabbed hold of my hair and used my locks to pull himself closer to me so he could be in my arms and he could kiss my face. What a sweet little angel. I never thought I could love a person so much, but I do. I love two of them so much, my husband and my son. And you know, it doesn't sound weird to say that anymore. It sounds so natural in my mouth, feels natural and I get great joy from it.
Well, here is a cute video for ya. I hope your days are going well. :) Just keep swimming, or running, or working, or eating. Whichever makes you happiest. I think I will eat today, and run tomorrow. ;)
Love,
Courtney, just Courtney.
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