The Headstone

I know the blog has been stagnating here. Today I break my silence.

I want to take one more moment to express my gratitude to all of those people both here in Utah and outside of Utah for their kindness and compassion and their generosity toward our family over this last year. It's difficult to explain the feelings and emotions that we have felt as a family--and continue to feel at times. 

Nearly four months ago my daughter Brooklyn was born. A little over three months ago she died. We are a student family and we don't have much, but what we had to give was hers. And I can't thank everyone enough for making it possible for our family to give Brooklyn the best that we could afford as our parting gift. Without the meals and the selfless donations to our family there is no way we could have paid for all of her expenses. Without family, I don't know that I could have done a lot of what I did. And I know that I couldn't have done any of it without my Heavenly Father. "If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it!"

I guess up until recently I didn't think it would be hard to see other babies. I was wrong. It is easy when I see babies. When I see them grow and progress, however, I feel a little pain in my heart. When I see siblings playing together or I figure out the difference in age between siblings and realize they are close in age like my children would have been, or I go to costco and the cart has a seat for two children. I know I'm just bleeding my heart a little bit, but sometimes I just need an outlet for some of my sad feelings. I tell myself that I don't have issues with fertility, I could have another baby--but that baby isn't Brooklyn. And I know that I will get her back. I know I'm just letting the sad things get me down but I am so homesick today.  I am so happy that the headstone is in and I am done with the whole process. It is all finished...but my heart aches a little.

I look at all the pictures we took and my heart just...sings. I'm so grateful I got that time with her. I can't wait until I can have more. Its just so hard to wait. I'm secretly hoping the next baby will come and fill the void--just a little bit. Bentley does most of the time, but I yearn for more children. I know many women understand this feeling, probably more so than I do, but I miss my little Brooklyn. And I want to feel excited and happy and care for other children.

With time.

Anyway, sorry about the ramble. :) Life really is good, I'm so happy the headstone is in, It is absolutely gorgeous and you guys made it happen. Thank you so much. I know Brooklyn doesn't care about what she is buried in or what her headstone looks like but I think they are absolutely beautiful. Thank you thank you thank you.

Keep the faith,


Courtney