90 Days remaining

YAAY! 

I used to count down to my birthday starting around like 130 days, whenever I got to 90 Days I just felt like celebrating. That means I have exactly 3 months until this baby is due. I have since found other things to celebrate, like...say...the birth of my youngest child. It's so fun to be excited about his coming. I can't tell you how different this pregnancy and the last one was. Instead of dreading D-day, instead I think about it all the time. I've been washing a few more newborn-3 month clothes and just ooing and Aahing about how small they are, imagining Bentley's tiny duplicate wearing each one. AH! 90 days.

In the next 90 days....

It will be summer

Strawberries should become dirt cheap

Bentley will go play at the city splash pad

Rocwell will have a birthday

Brooklyn will have a birthday

Jacob's contracts will be well under way---Jacob may even do his presentation for the cancer society of BYU--possibly finish his prospectus (graduation plan, essentially)

Baby Addison will be born

We will celebrate the end of Brooklyn's mission here on earth

Brittney, Melynda, Grandma Bonnie, Sookie, Wookie, Nader, and Lexi will all come to visit.

I will eat Sushi at least once. Although, probably not all you can eat since Jacob JR will be so big. 

Several of my friends will become mommies for the first time

I will finish DR. Who Season 7 and probably Psych Season 8

Maybe see one more movie in the theater

Go to the temple two handfuls more

I'm sure at some point I will eat some cake

See the doctor like 5 more times

AND THEN I WILL HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!! #3

There is absolutely nothing sweeter in pregnancy than feeling his little kicks. They make me so happy I feel like shedding a tear.

:D Let the 90 day countdown begin.

#soexcited #newbaby #hashtag

Courtney

April 8th 2014

Hi there, it's me. 

The one who stopped writing. I know what you must be thinking. My life is just too exciting and full of things to do to write one more word on this blog. Truth is, I just didn't think I had anything worth saying. I do, however, want to voice some more thoughts. I hate to bore people with these musings, but you, who are still reading, you want to hear what I have to say, so I will share.

Today I read of a little baby named Kate. Kate was born with a bad liver. After two liver transplants and a furious uphill battle she passed away. She was looking so good too! I was rooting for that little baby. I was a little shocked to see her mother update facebook with a picture of her--I think it was a post mortem picture. A thing so sacred doesn't belong on facebook--but she wanted to share with everyone the death of her sweet baby whom she loves so much. I get it. When I saw it, it was such a shock and yet, such a futile shock that I couldn't help but feel helpless. Another little baby gone. It reminded me of when we found our little Brooklyn. As far as we knew she was doing SO well. Everyone said so. She seemed to be conquering her condition every day and then, rather suddenly she never woke up one morning. 

I was so surprised I really didn't know what to do with myself. I talked and laughed and admired my sweet baby while waiting for the hospice team to come and declare her dead. After awhile it finally set in that she was dead. And then I cried. I was so happy she didn't have to suffer, but...now what? I held her until the mortuary came, and then I had to leave the room while they took my little girl and loaded her in the morticians van to take her away. 

It was so surreal. 

The hospice team came and took all the equipment. 

And just like that we were husband, wife, and son. It took me a few weeks to get her blankets and clothing packed up, to put the pack n' play away. I was forever finding the syringes that we used to feed her. 

I am grateful, that I had not taken her to the doctor that week. As I think about it, my first supposition that the doctor's office would be unsafe for her and an unnecessary risk, was most likely correct. And if they were to take her vital signs and tell me that she was dying, I think I would have truly suffered that week for want of knowing when she would go. I had some inklings that something was wrong. She was irritable and crying, unable to go back to sleep at night. Hard to console. 

My friend had triplets two weeks ago. They all have NG tubes to feed them with. That also reminded me of my sweet Brooklyn. And one of the babies is about the same size as my Brooklyn. I am shocked at the visceral memories I have when I look at those babies. Holding my tiny baby, playing with her feet, opening her hands so she could stretch. Hearing her mewling cry when she would get upset. Her little eyes, the only indication of mental retardation. And all that thick brown hair.

Her birthday is coming up. :)

Two months later, her younger brother will be born. 

He is lively and kicks often, it brings me great joy and remembrance. I know that I will hold my Brooklyn again, just as I will soon hold her little brother. I think that will be disconcerting to my eldest Son. What will he think when I bring home a different baby? He seems to be expecting that Brooklyn will come home. Not for awhile. Not for a good, long, while. 

I am grateful I am having another son. I would hate for the next daughter I have to feel like she is a replacement for my sweet, angelic daughter Brooklyn. That is an unfair shadow to cast. I am looking forward to having another son. I know girls are angels, they are so sweet, but my first born has brought me so much joy. So much love. So much healing. 

Thank heaven for little boys. 

I guess I could say that I am missing my little baby. It's hard not to when there are so many babies being born right now and here I am bereft of one baby. Anticipating another I will not see for 3 1/2 months. 

Time, go quickly, and yet, slow down. I am not ready to shake my first born's world again....but I am ready to hold my 3rd born child.

Through all this, I hope you all know that I still trust in God. He is my strength. He is my song. His Son has made it possible for me to pass through this fiery trial every day. I love and honor them. And my gratitude has no bounds.

Keep the faith.

God is mindful of you.

Jesus Christ knows all your pains and sorrows. Trust in him.

Mourning the loss of a loved one- reflections

Last night I was indexing for Family Search. Which basically means, data entry for old records so they can be used in finding ancestors. As I was entering names there were several infants who died of fever or convulsions--seemingly little things. "Fever" listed as the only reason for death. My heart was touched as I read of the babies 9 hours old, 1 hour old, 3 months, 4 years. Sweet precious children all gone home to their Father in Heaven. Then there were people of all ages, some married, some unmarried. All equal in death. No one can escape death, it is a natural part of life. It is a gift from our Father in Heaven, although, sometimes it is hard to see it that way. For the impaired who suffer years of debilitating pain or sickness, death comes as a sweet peace--that's how I see it anyway. When someone dies suddenly or without cause or tragically, the death seems a punishment or like a nightmare, when in actuality, it really is a gift. The person goes home to their reward--or, sometimes, tragically to their condemnation. 

In the Alma Chapter 28 of the Book of Mormon there is an account of the people of the Nephites and the Lamanites. The people who follow God are usually referred to as the Nephites, and the Lamanites due to an old feud do not follow the Lord.  Here is what it says about their wars.

3 Yea, and also there was a tremendous slaughter among the people of Nephi; nevertheless, the Lamanites were driven and scattered, and the people of Nephi returned again to their land.
 4 And now this was a time that there was a great amourning and lamentation heard throughout all the land, among all the people of Nephi—
 5 Yea, the cry of widows mourning for their husbands, and also of fathers mourning for their sons, and the daughter for the brother, yea, the brother for the father; and thus the cry of mourning was heard among all of them, mourning for their kindred who had been slain.
 6 And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer.

 I was comforted the other day when I read this. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I sometimes feel like I can't mourn because I should be happy for Brooklyn. And I should be happy for her. She is free from her broken body, free to go to her reward, because she was perfect!

 11 And the bodies of many thousands are laid low in the earth, while the bodies of many thousands are moldering in heaps upon the face of the earth; yea, and many thousands are mourning for the loss of their kindred, because they have reason to fear, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are consigned to a state of endless wo.
 12 While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindred, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of never-ending happiness.

I know that Brooklyn was perfect. She had a knowledge of God. she was pure. So I know she will be saved in the kingdom of God. Her death is not, in essence, a sad thing. I appreciated the comment that there were many people saddened by the death of their loved ones. That it was hard and it was sad and caused their loved ones to turn to the Father in fasting and Prayer, receiving strength, comfort, edification and peace all at once. Through a difficult time they drew closer to God, helping them to return to their family members.

My heart has been "pricked" so to say. I have had so many good days lately, which makes this deep wound in my heart a little surprising. I didn't think it was still lurking so fresh and so...open. I'm not crying or anything, but it's just a deep piercing feeling almost where my heart should be.

I've been reading the story of a friend as she journeys to the birth of her triplet boys. They are 21 weeks gestation and need to make it to 30 weeks at least. It has been a hairy journey as they have nearly lost one, both or possibly all of them at one time. I was reading about her terror and about the pain that she is feeling and my heart physically ached for her. I know she will be better for her experiences, but it is so hard to see other people experiencing similar emotions. I'm grateful that in her story she got to keep her babies--for now. I'm praying that she will get to keep them for a very long earth duration. It's not pleasant to bury your child.

As February draws nearer I am expecting to have the ultrasound for my third child. I didn't think that through, I don't think, when I decided to get pregnant. This baby will be due at the end of July, so the pregnancy is very reminiscent of Brooklyn's pregnancy. Around my birthday last year we found out Brooklyn was going to die. Walking home from church yesterday with my sweet son, I was thinking back on the day we had our peri-natologist ultrasound. We went up to Salt Lake that day and we called our family members and I called my best friend. Not sure how to feel, I remember just crying on and off, not knowing for sure--praying they were wrong but doubting that they were. My mom had been at the ultrasound, so my brothers knew fairly quickly, I just had to tell a few others.

I think during the next couple of weeks I will have more reflections on the most difficult year of my life. It was certainly an uphill battle, and it is finally coming to  close. It will officially be a year since I started losing my daughter, Brooklyn. A year on February 7th. I am praying for better news this upcoming ultrasound. And mostly, I have peace. I believe it will all work out. I am optimistic that it will be different this time. I will take a boy or a girl. I don't care which. I just want to add to my family. I want more children and I want healing in my heart. And for my family members.

It was so hard knowing Brooklyn would die. Not being able to stop it. To just have faith and watch my train wreck and do nothing to stop it. I am so grateful that trial is over. I would not have changed a thing about how we handled it. I am grateful for the time we had with her despite the difficult times we endured as a family...but I would never wish to endure it again, and I would not wish it on anyone else. I hope that enduring the loss of a child once is enough for my growth and learning. I could do without a death in the family for a few years.

Life continues to be sweet. I am truly blessed. Like the Nephites, I mourn the loss of her life, but I find happiness in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer. He has always been there for me, I know He understands how I feel and everything I am going through. I attribute all that I am to Him and to His Father.

If you are mourning...anything...anyone! Whether it be the loss of a loved one or the absence of children, job loss, depression, losing a friend or breaking up. Whatever your crucible is right now, it is okay to be sad. We don't know how long we will be asked to endure our trials, just that we can do it, that God will be there when we need help and that we will come out on top if we have faith. No matter if you think you deserve it or not, God loves you. He will ALWAYS love you and there is nothing you can do to change that love. President Thomas S Monson told us that in his talk last October in General Conference. He is the prophet and he Speaks on behalf of God. Have faith. Trust in God. Turn to the Savior with your grief and he will give you solace. He will give you peace. He will help you find your way and bless you with the strength to make it one more day, one more hour, one more minute.

And you will come out on top.

Thank you for entertaining my musing. I posted something about Bentley and I and our days together. He is just too darn cute. I guess the post didn't make it onto my blog for some strange reason. Anyway, my little boy is turning 2 this year. I love him so much. He is my pride and my joy. I am so thankful that I was given such a beautiful son inside and out to help my husband and I through this fiery trial. He has been the medium through which the Lord has administered His healing balm. And I am so grateful.

Keep the faith, everyone.


Courtney

Tender Mercies after 8 months

Today the three of us, accompanied by Brooklyn's spirit, I'm sure, went to a reception today for a friend who has been very kind to us this last year. She is married at last! I am so happy for her. Going to support her and seeing all of our friends was so sweet and warm and comfortable. I miss that. For the past 6 months I was having such a hard time with a roller coaster of emotions but lately I just feel such peace and such happiness. I really do feel like my old self again. Perhaps it's my new calling. I am the primary chorister and so I am singing church songs all the time. It lifts my spirit and makes me happy. And I have the best family EVER...but I digress.
I had a plethora of people come up to me and discretely address my daughter's life and passing. They were so kind and sensitive and I could tell they were really hurting for the difficult times we have endured this past year. I was so touched by their sincere condolences and their sweet comments. People who I haven't talked to in three or more years, some people I had never had the pleasure of meeting in the flesh. Some, didn't even know. Which is fine, but I felt bad for them to find out at a wedding reception.
Then today as I was making dinner I found a bag of Arby's meat in my freezer. I was reminded of the sweet time during Brooklyn's life when Brian, Machiel and Sara and my Mom were here in my home. Church members and family brought over meals and small gifts for Bentley and Brooklyn, so many bowls of fruit and brownies and desserts and delicious dishes. They all jumped at the opportunity to do anything for our family during that time. I remember being vaguely amused that people felt they had to bring over an entire pan of brownies or cake, but so happy to have them for when I was feeling low. I have to admit, I did find a bit of solace in food during those dark days.
As I have thought about all the kindness that my friend and many others have shown us and the many prayers that have been uttered for us I just feel so thankful to have been part of it all. I will never forget the kindness of others, or the sacrifices given by friends and family. Perhaps I should write every detail down so that others can remember their goodness as well, but here is not the place. Their charity and gifts are sacred to me and to my family. It is enough to say that their kindness has touched my heart and become a permanent tender mercy that I will never forget. I pray that I can be there in a similar manner for someone else in their time of need.
Another kindness that people bestow upon my family is that they say we are so strong, that we have such a good attitude about it. They praise us for how we handled the situation and comment that we have their respect. I know that sounds weird to bring this up, and it is nice to hear that people are still rooting for me, that they believe in me and want to build me up, but I could not have done any of it without my husband, my son, my family on both sides, the ward members, the prayers of all those who prayed for me, the Holy Ghost, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. Through this team of support and love and comfort and peace we were able to faithfully "pass through the fire unscathed". And yes there have been dark days. Heaven only knows the sadness and the pain that I endured--that we endured--while waiting for the final outcome.
I can only say thank you. And it will never be enough. Never.
Thank you.

Thank you

Thank you.

For all the kind words, the cards, the gifts, the donations, the smiles, the hugs, the quiet support, the prayers--for meals and treats and phone calls and compliments. Thank you all for being there for my family  as we learned very valuable lessons. It has been such a privilege to walk among you angels and receive the blessings of the Lord through your hands. Thank you. For being aware. For being considerate. For supporting us in our trial.

And thank you for making my time with Brooklyn as sweet and stress-free as you could. I could never thank you enough, so please, continue feeling my gratitude. Always and forever.

Thank you so much. I should name you all, but I know that God keeps a record of these things. And He has probably already thanked you in ways you don't even realize.

Brooklyn's Mom,

Courtney

Catching up with time

So today I want to share with you the laughter my son has brought into this house. He is a riot! So lately he is acting like such a two year old, screaming and crying and falling on the floor when he's mad, but when he is cute, he is SO cute.

He has decided that he doesn't eat anymore. I will ask him and he will always say no and If I try to feed him he will pick at it and then get down. So, lately, when he actually IS hungry, he comes up to me and says, "My tummy hurts"

This is awesome, because now any time he wants my attention he fakes a mortal injury. "OW!" and he holds his body part and he whines and he throws a fit. I'm choosing to ignore him for his own sake and he just stares at me in wonder. "My eye hurts." "My arm hurts" *crocodile tears*

                                                                        ***

The other day he dropped a peach on the floor during dinner. We told him we could clean it up afterward. When he got down from the table, he bent down and grabbed something off the floor. With a mischievous smile he quickly shoved the peach in his mouth. As if I would have stopped him. It was very funny

one more, 

So there we are sitting at a wrestling match watching Jake's cousin when Bentley grabs his diaper and says, "My poopy hurts!" he'd already had a bowel movement that day, so I was a little confused, but I went up the stairs and changed him next to the trashcan to find that he was erected. It was nothing big, I just changed his diaper and said, "You're okay, you're not poopy." We went and sat down next to Jacob's cousin, Natalie, and started watching the match again when suddenly Bentley says (with complete wonder) "Where poopy go?" 

Natalie, totally unaware of the situation, said, "Where did your poopy go? Did it fall on the floor?"

After a mental image of Bentley's "Poopy" falling on the floor I just about fell over laughing. Poor kid. I cannot have him growing up thinking that is what we call a "Poopy".

.  

Oh man, before I started writing this I had so many funny things to say, but I think some of you have heard them already and the rest have fled my mind. 

Our new method of discipline is usually one of two things 1. I ignore him. I'm not very good at that one and 2. He sits on the stairs until he can be happy. Something I picked up from Blythe. It seems to work okay for the most part. He has always sat on the stairs when was upset with me before, so encouraging him to do it until he can be happy might be good for him. 

This week has been a good one. It's was so nice having Jacob home for awhile, we miss him dreadfully throughout the week. He's gone all day and doesn't come home until nearly Bentley's bedtime. He is so amazing! He works so hard and he doesn't ever complain that he has to get up at five so he can go to school, or that I stopped making his lunch (because I'm a lazy woman) or that I still want him to come home and play with Bentley and take out the trash and etc... He is wonderful. I certainly married up. 

Today we have our second appointment for baby #3. I'm thinking names like Alycsaundera, Menorien, Jacynth and Copper.



Joke. I just wanted to see if I could get your jaw to drop. 

Anyway, just a routine heart check and belly check, pee in a cup, kind of visit. 6 more weeks until our ultrasound at 18 weeks. We'll be at the high risk Dr. for that, but I hardly think it's necessary. If we have a less than  1% chance we will ever have Trisomy 18 then I think we should just proceed as normal. Then again, the ultrasound is a little longer and more detailed, so, I guess a little more out of pocket can't hurt. I did refuse the genetic testing. I know some people are okay with Amnios, but I certainly am not. The doctor looked at me like I was crazy last time. He just mentioned genetic testing and I said, "thanks, but no thanks." Apparently he is not the most loved doctor at this new place I'm going to. I'm supposed to see one of the better ones today. I wish I didn't have to see them at all. I have not grown overly fond of doctors this last year. It's probably not their fault, but I just...have little love for their bedside manner, I suppose.

I've been writing articles for WritersDomain. They pay 3.30 and article. Since I'm going to Texas on the 21st I've been trying to write a few extra to bring in a little more money, make up for the money spent going on vacation. It will be fun. I haven't seen Brittney for quite some time! And her baby is growing up so fast! Stop it! Just stop growing! okay, don't stop. He is a happy reminder that I have a child who is not present here. He is a good reminder of how old she would be. I don't think about it all the time, so when I have to think about it, I think of Lucas. :) It will be nice to see Madison too. Bentley  is always looking for someone to play with. I hope they play well together. A week is a long time to be stuck with a friend you don't like. On both accounts. 

Anyway, life is good. We're all healthy. The baby is 193 days away. Which sounds like so little for some reason...even when Jully 22 sounds so far away. Just make it to Texas, then to the Williams arriving, then to the Ultrasound. After that, hopefully, Utah will start to warm up and I'll get outside with Bentely and Spring will melt into Summer and before I know it I'll be holding a beautiful or handsome, baby in my arms. 1 9 3 d a y s a w a y.

Come quickly.


Courtney