Mourning the loss of a loved one- reflections

Last night I was indexing for Family Search. Which basically means, data entry for old records so they can be used in finding ancestors. As I was entering names there were several infants who died of fever or convulsions--seemingly little things. "Fever" listed as the only reason for death. My heart was touched as I read of the babies 9 hours old, 1 hour old, 3 months, 4 years. Sweet precious children all gone home to their Father in Heaven. Then there were people of all ages, some married, some unmarried. All equal in death. No one can escape death, it is a natural part of life. It is a gift from our Father in Heaven, although, sometimes it is hard to see it that way. For the impaired who suffer years of debilitating pain or sickness, death comes as a sweet peace--that's how I see it anyway. When someone dies suddenly or without cause or tragically, the death seems a punishment or like a nightmare, when in actuality, it really is a gift. The person goes home to their reward--or, sometimes, tragically to their condemnation. 

In the Alma Chapter 28 of the Book of Mormon there is an account of the people of the Nephites and the Lamanites. The people who follow God are usually referred to as the Nephites, and the Lamanites due to an old feud do not follow the Lord.  Here is what it says about their wars.

3 Yea, and also there was a tremendous slaughter among the people of Nephi; nevertheless, the Lamanites were driven and scattered, and the people of Nephi returned again to their land.
 4 And now this was a time that there was a great amourning and lamentation heard throughout all the land, among all the people of Nephi—
 5 Yea, the cry of widows mourning for their husbands, and also of fathers mourning for their sons, and the daughter for the brother, yea, the brother for the father; and thus the cry of mourning was heard among all of them, mourning for their kindred who had been slain.
 6 And now surely this was a sorrowful day; yea, a time of solemnity, and a time of much fasting and prayer.

 I was comforted the other day when I read this. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I sometimes feel like I can't mourn because I should be happy for Brooklyn. And I should be happy for her. She is free from her broken body, free to go to her reward, because she was perfect!

 11 And the bodies of many thousands are laid low in the earth, while the bodies of many thousands are moldering in heaps upon the face of the earth; yea, and many thousands are mourning for the loss of their kindred, because they have reason to fear, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are consigned to a state of endless wo.
 12 While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindred, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of never-ending happiness.

I know that Brooklyn was perfect. She had a knowledge of God. she was pure. So I know she will be saved in the kingdom of God. Her death is not, in essence, a sad thing. I appreciated the comment that there were many people saddened by the death of their loved ones. That it was hard and it was sad and caused their loved ones to turn to the Father in fasting and Prayer, receiving strength, comfort, edification and peace all at once. Through a difficult time they drew closer to God, helping them to return to their family members.

My heart has been "pricked" so to say. I have had so many good days lately, which makes this deep wound in my heart a little surprising. I didn't think it was still lurking so fresh and so...open. I'm not crying or anything, but it's just a deep piercing feeling almost where my heart should be.

I've been reading the story of a friend as she journeys to the birth of her triplet boys. They are 21 weeks gestation and need to make it to 30 weeks at least. It has been a hairy journey as they have nearly lost one, both or possibly all of them at one time. I was reading about her terror and about the pain that she is feeling and my heart physically ached for her. I know she will be better for her experiences, but it is so hard to see other people experiencing similar emotions. I'm grateful that in her story she got to keep her babies--for now. I'm praying that she will get to keep them for a very long earth duration. It's not pleasant to bury your child.

As February draws nearer I am expecting to have the ultrasound for my third child. I didn't think that through, I don't think, when I decided to get pregnant. This baby will be due at the end of July, so the pregnancy is very reminiscent of Brooklyn's pregnancy. Around my birthday last year we found out Brooklyn was going to die. Walking home from church yesterday with my sweet son, I was thinking back on the day we had our peri-natologist ultrasound. We went up to Salt Lake that day and we called our family members and I called my best friend. Not sure how to feel, I remember just crying on and off, not knowing for sure--praying they were wrong but doubting that they were. My mom had been at the ultrasound, so my brothers knew fairly quickly, I just had to tell a few others.

I think during the next couple of weeks I will have more reflections on the most difficult year of my life. It was certainly an uphill battle, and it is finally coming to  close. It will officially be a year since I started losing my daughter, Brooklyn. A year on February 7th. I am praying for better news this upcoming ultrasound. And mostly, I have peace. I believe it will all work out. I am optimistic that it will be different this time. I will take a boy or a girl. I don't care which. I just want to add to my family. I want more children and I want healing in my heart. And for my family members.

It was so hard knowing Brooklyn would die. Not being able to stop it. To just have faith and watch my train wreck and do nothing to stop it. I am so grateful that trial is over. I would not have changed a thing about how we handled it. I am grateful for the time we had with her despite the difficult times we endured as a family...but I would never wish to endure it again, and I would not wish it on anyone else. I hope that enduring the loss of a child once is enough for my growth and learning. I could do without a death in the family for a few years.

Life continues to be sweet. I am truly blessed. Like the Nephites, I mourn the loss of her life, but I find happiness in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer. He has always been there for me, I know He understands how I feel and everything I am going through. I attribute all that I am to Him and to His Father.

If you are mourning...anything...anyone! Whether it be the loss of a loved one or the absence of children, job loss, depression, losing a friend or breaking up. Whatever your crucible is right now, it is okay to be sad. We don't know how long we will be asked to endure our trials, just that we can do it, that God will be there when we need help and that we will come out on top if we have faith. No matter if you think you deserve it or not, God loves you. He will ALWAYS love you and there is nothing you can do to change that love. President Thomas S Monson told us that in his talk last October in General Conference. He is the prophet and he Speaks on behalf of God. Have faith. Trust in God. Turn to the Savior with your grief and he will give you solace. He will give you peace. He will help you find your way and bless you with the strength to make it one more day, one more hour, one more minute.

And you will come out on top.

Thank you for entertaining my musing. I posted something about Bentley and I and our days together. He is just too darn cute. I guess the post didn't make it onto my blog for some strange reason. Anyway, my little boy is turning 2 this year. I love him so much. He is my pride and my joy. I am so thankful that I was given such a beautiful son inside and out to help my husband and I through this fiery trial. He has been the medium through which the Lord has administered His healing balm. And I am so grateful.

Keep the faith, everyone.


Courtney