Brooklyn, Bentley and Being Pregnant

This is how Mommy feels at the end of the day. Frazzled, but still smiling. Mostly.

Tomorrow is March 1st! In Baby Calendar days I am 6 months and 4 days along. it's kind of crazy to me that in 3 months and 10 days (103) days I will be a mother for the second time.  Brooklyn's kicks grow stronger every day, and sometimes she can be pretty active. Well, active for my children is different than say, my neighbor's children. I happen to have had an anterior placenta both pregnancies, so, I really don't get to feel all that much. It just makes all of the kicks and whirls that I do feel a little more special to me.

Our next appointments are this next week. We have an appointment with the OBGYN and then we have Bentley's 12 month visit, followed immediately after by the Peri-Natologist. So we get to see Brooklyn again in a week. We should get to see her once every month until delivery. I am hoping that they will be able to print off ultrasound pictures this time since the CD they gave me was a total bust. *Sigh* and they had such a good picture of her profile too! I think I will also ask them about a 3D ultrasound. I will probably have to pay out of pocket for that, but it might be worth it to me. We shall see.

The face that no one else really sees on Bentley's angel face. Mischief!

My belly is getting bigger and it is getting harder and harder to pick Bentley up or roll over in bed or squat. I hate squatting. Nothing good ever comes of it. It's almost worse than sneezing! Bentley touched my belly today. Ha ha. I pulled my shirt up to look at my belly and Bentley put both his hands on it and started laughing. It was rather funny, I thought. What a surprise it will be when my belly suddenly disappears. Although, my nesting instincts are forcing me to rearrange my house and I'm not really sure Bentley notices big changes like that. Only whether or not he has Mom's full attention. Little stinker.

Anyway, as I was saying... My sister is having her baby very soon. They are referring to him as "Baby Ricky" until the baby is born. I'm excited to meet him. The closer everyone is getting to giving birth, the more excited I feel. Babies, babies everywhere! It's kind of crazy. My friend is having a girl and my sister is having a boy and I am having a girl and I'm sure six or seven other women are having babies just around the corner from me. It must be world re-populating season. It's practically an epidemic ;).

After march I have two weddings and a visit from my sister and then the day will practically be upon me. I keep thinking about the day I gave birth to Bentley, and the next day, relaxing with him, talking to him, enjoying his faces and his little noises. I remember that surge of love that I felt every time I touched him. I am looking forward to that feeling. I don't know how long I will have Brooklyn, it's just a fact of life at this moment. I know God could extend her life, make her healthy, whatever he wished. And if death were the end of it and I would never see her again, I think I would be pleading for her life every single day, every minute, begging for a chance to see her grow.

It's not the end, however. I know that there is much more to life after we die and that I will see her again. I know that her mission must be a great mission in Heaven and that the Lord is only giving Brooklyn and Bentley to us so we can raise them. They are not "mine", only mine to love and nurture and teach--and frankly, I wouldn't want her to live in her body as it is now. She will receive a body and it will be perfected and I will get to spend all of the lost minutes with her in the Millennium.

I don't pretend to be able to comprehend how I might feel when she truly has left me, but I will keep praying for that brightness of hope that the Lord has promised us.

Until that day when Brooklyn goes home to the God that has given her life, I want to enjoy every kick and every flutter. I hope I do get to see her body as it is in this world so that I can kiss her and hug her and introduce her to Bentley and Jacob. God willing, it will happen.

There are days when I am sad and moments when my heart is breaking, but when I remember why we are here and for what purpose she needs her body I can honestly smile.Right now I just feel excited.

Life is great! I have a wonderful husband who is good to me and who is honest and trustworthy and provides for my family and I have a beautiful son. We live in a beautiful home and have great friends and family and we have the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are truly blessed and richer than kings.

I heard something on a video I watched today. The interviewer, while speaking of children who have passed away referred to a scripture:

"And a little child shall lead them"---what better reason to keep the commandments and strive to return to our Father in Heaven than to see my little Brooklyn again? Indeed, my little child is already leading us.

Happiness

Well, it's official, I'm 22. A friend called me to ask if I felt any older and I just had to laugh. No. I don't feel older. I live around people basically all 6 years older than me and older (not counting my son) so, most of the time I feel like I should be closer to thirty. It's always kind of an out of body experience when someone calls me out on my age. I'm like..."wait, really? Only 22? I guess that's right..." I had a wonderful birthday, by the way, thanks for asking.

Today I want to talk about feelings of depression. It's normal to have feelings of sadness and it is absolutely normal to feel down on yourself some days, but it starts to become a problem when you start to wallow in it. Satan comes in and starts whispering about all of your fears, all of your doubts and he magnifies it until you can't see anything else. Then there are those who have chemical imbalances or who have chronic depression and, I will admit I know very little about both of those issues, but I do know this:

Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He can see beyond the step that we are making and he knows where our pitfalls are and he knows how to guide us around them. Sometimes when I am depressed or having intense feelings of loneliness or sadness or fear and I pray for relief it doesn't come--not right away, anyhow. Sometimes it takes several prayers, each more desperate than the last. As we act on our faith and ask God to apply the atonement in our lives, we ask the Savior to heal us with the balm of his suffering He will do so. When at last I have reached what I think is my lowest, a sweet calm comes over me, filling my heart and my mind. The teasing whispers of Satan die out and I am left with a clear mind and a steady heart. I, myself, find it very difficult to cry at that point, because all I feel is..."soothed" I guess you could say. I believe that God allows us to feel that sadness and the suffering on purpose. It's hard and it cuts us to the heart, even the very spirit sometimes, but if we don't understand suffering, how can we understand joy? How will we understand compassion? Or Mercy?
It's hard some days to be happy. And our Father in Heaven knows that we can't be hunky-dory every minute of every day, but when you feel weak, or you feel sad or lonely and you don't think you can take it anymore, get on your knees and pray. The Lord has promised that He will hear our prayers. Jesus Christ bought us with his blood. He payed for our souls and if we do as he asks and repent of our sins and strive to keep all of his commandments, then our blessings will not be kept from us and we will be given the spirit of comfort to buoy us up in His love.
Have faith. Sometimes happiness really is just a teardrop away--sometimes several, but always coupled with a sincere heartfelt prayer.
The most important thing to remember as you are climbing your mountains and feeling the agony of a wounded spirit is to know that the Savior felt everything that you have felt. He has experienced your joys, your heartaches, your afflictions and your sicknesses. He knows you.
As it says in 1 Nephi Chapter 21 of the Book of Mormon:

14 But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.

 15 For can a ^awoman forget her sucking child, that she should not have ^bcompassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may ^cforget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.

 16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the ^apalms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

He has graven you upon the palms of his hands. He won't forget you,  the way a mother can't forget her child. He loves you. That is what matters. He will comfort you in your time of need.

Have faith. 

Have faith.

picture above was painted by Greg Olsen and can be found at Deseret book, or online.

Happy Birthday Baby Bentley!

Today, Bentley is one year old. One year old! Can you believe it!? I can hardly grasp that the child that I carried for nine months has now walked on the earth for 365 days at 6:40 pm tonight. I can still remember how it felt, the night before Bentley was born, as I played videogames all night long because I couldn't sleep. I remember the sweet sound of his newborn squall, and the sleepless nights, holding my son close, trying to rest my aching post-baby body.

Jake and I dressed him in all sorts of ridiculous outfits! This was one of my favorites. My little musician. He loves music, he always stops to listen when a TV show theme song plays or when mom is singing. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a fondness for it when he grows up.

 

I didn't get to finish my post the other day. Bentley woke up and wanted my attention. This morning I went to get Bentley at 5. I gave him a bottle and lay down with him in my bed. My Husband cuddled with me as I got back into bed and Bentley finished his bottle, sat up and looked at me and then lay down and snuggled into my arms. Lying in my bed, pondering the beauty of my family I just felt the sweet love that they have for me and that I have for them. I couldn't be more grateful for my family. 

Bentley is just full of personality now. He tells me what he wants and what he doesn't. He asks to go to sleep and his little mouth just astounds me with all the new words he is learning. What a genius little boy. I love him very much. He has lots of toys, but he would much rather play with his mom or his dad. He lets us know it too!

We are so blessed to have Bentley in our life. I can't believe it has been a year...Please enjoy these pictures. I thought I would just post some of my favorites throughout the first year of his life. I love my little boy. I hope he brings you as much joy as he has brought me. :)

Bentley and Dad

Bentley watches Conference with Grandpa!

He was just so little!!!

OH! I love that CHUBBY FACE!

He's not sure about this bath.

cute little smile

zonked.

one of the first times eating food, when he wasn't picky

Snugabunny swing that grandma bought Bentley!

Not really an out-door kind of baby.

Like daddy, like baby.,

Eating potatoes. Got a great reaction.

After a blood draw and shots. He was EXHAUSTED.

A new crib!

While mommy's away, Daddy and Bentley will play

Just bein' so darn cute.

This is probably the best picture ever.

First sunday suit!

Chillin' in our jammies.

Handsome and 1, in his Sunday suit.

Blessings

Bentley's Newborn Photo Shoot. What a handsome boy!

Today is Valentines Day. A day to celebrate Love and Devotion. Today as I have been computing, preparing and planning I was struck by all the wonderful blessings that God has given us, as a family. 2012 was an exciting year. What with Bentley coming into our family, we moved and found a job, Jacob got into school, we found out we were pregnant with our Daughter. All of our needs have been met, and our wants taken care of. Even with the events that are taking place now we are being blessed by the bucketful. 

I am so grateful to be able to have my beautiful family. I have a husband who loves and adores me and still thinks I'm pretty--even though I've gained lots of weight. I have a perfect little boy who loves to cuddle and explore. I am pregnant with beautiful life and the sweetest of spirits and I am so grateful for this time I have to be pregnant and to enjoy her little kicks and twirls all to myself. 

It amazes me that God, in his infinite wisdom, can plan for all things and that even though we don't necessarily see past the bumps in the road he has planned it all out. If we hold steadfastly to the gospel of Jesus Christ, then we will make it on the straight and narrow path. We will make it back to heaven. We will be families for all eternity and how glorious it will be!

I am also grateful for family. I'm grateful for the unending service and generosity of both mine and Jacob's families. God put them in our lives for a reason and I can't help but feel a little spoiled by all of the love and attention that our family gets. I love Jacob's parents, his sisters and his brother and all their families. I love his cousins and nieces and nephews and his grandparents. They are so loving and accepting.

I love my dear mother. I've seen into her heart this past week and I was not surprised at what I found there. She is a woman with confidence and optimism, full of love and kindness. Through all her successes and her triumphs and her confidence, she still manages to be humble. Something I certainly should learn from. I am grateful for her support and her kindness.

I love my father. He has always been firm in the faith, steadfast, guiding me back to the scriptures when I need answers and cannot seem to find them. I love his strong example and the special fatherly love that I have felt throughout my childhood and into my adult years. 

I love my siblings who bring me joy and laughter. They are my best friends.

I love my dear friends who are not attached by blood, but by bond. I am grateful for their friendship.

I love my husband. He is my soul mate, the peanut butter to my jelly. He is stalwart and true, honest and loyal. He tolerates the mindless chatter of my stir-crazy mom side and listens to the heartfelt wishes of my soul. He has always been supportive of me and he works so hard. I hope he knows that we all appreciate him. Everyone that has ever met him has been made a better person, because that is just the way he is. A light, an influence, a kindness. Through all the ups and downs and inbetweens he has been a wonderful partner and a loving father. I couldn't ask for better. There is none.

I invite you all to take a minute, this wonderful, beautiful February day, to think of all your blessings and all that you love and thank God for his marvelous plan, for this beautiful earth, for every rock and flower, leave and star that makes your life more beautiful.

And have a great Valentine's Day.

A Week in Rearview

There really is nothing in life more beautiful than a child's smile. It cheers up a rainy day, drives illness away and warms the heart. It makes me even happier to see Bentley playing with his dad. Here's a picture Jake and Bentley took while I was out. We don't really get a whole lot of pictures of all three of us, but we usually get one adult in it.

:) My two handsome blue-eyed men. I am so grateful for them. When I was growing up all I wanted was to have blue eyes...and glasses...and a broken arm...(thankfully I grew out of those last two) but the blue eyes always stuck. People tell me I have pretty brown eyes but I was never content. Well, here is proof that God loves me, because I finally got my blue eyes. And my four eyes (ha ha).

I love the wonderful gush of love that I get when I find out I'm pregnant. Jacob went out and bought me a journal when we found out I was pregnant with our little girl. Nothing could have made me happier. We saw her profile in our last ultrasound. :) She's beautiful, a beautiful, perfect little girl.

This week started off so well. Sunday was great, Monday was long...Tuesday I woke up exhausted because Bentley had been waking up on and off all night long, screaming. Thursday was a doozy. Of all the days in my short-lived life, it was probably the lowest I have ever felt. There is just a deep sadness that comes with the sort of news I received that day. Along with helplessness. 

Pain must come, though, so we can feel joy. Pain must be evident in our lives for the atonement of Jesus Christ to take root in our soul and sanctify our spirits. Through the pain that I felt, there was an overarching feeling of peace. 

I don't know what is in store for my little family. I don't really know how to proceed. All I know is that God is in control, that His Son died for me, for my husband, my son, and even my daughter. He will swallow up death and hell and they will lose their sting. He has descended below all things and he will be my healing balm. 

It's okay to be sad. Sadness is part of God's eternal plan. Sadness and happiness, love, pain, grief, healing, trust, repentance, forgiveness... they are all part of His plan. The question is, are we going to do our part of the plan? Do we remember why we are here? It's all a part of the plan. We just have to have faith. And on those days when we are too weak to stand, we can kneel and God will hear us and with the poultice of love and sacrifice he will make our burdens light.

I love you. I hope that every day we can remember this. I hope your day is going well. If not, it's okay to be sad. 

Walk tall. You're a daughter. A child of God. Be strong. Please remember who you are. Try to understand, you're part of His great plan. He's closer than you know. Reach out. He'll take your hand.