Nightmares

I woke up at 12 with crazy bad cramps again. I don't think I wrote about them on the blog but they are so severe. It's not quite like labor pains that I remember. Whatever they are, they hurt. I got up, took a shower and climbed back into bed with my son and my beloved husband.
Then I had the dream.
When I was pregnant with Bentley I used to have the most horrific dreams that Jacob was going to leave me. I woke up sad and crying every time and poor Jacob didn't know what to do with himself.
These dreams are different. It's my third dream. I pray they are a sign of pregnancy and not some ill-boding prophecy.

My dream had just ended. It was a nice dream. Machiel had been visiting the Utah huntsville hospital campus and I got to see all my friends and say hello and say Hi to Machiel--when I heard the loud, high pitched beeping of my front door-lock. I opened my eyes and I realized that everyone in my family was in bed with me. Literally. So I jumped up and walked quickly out of my bedroom and flipped on the back light and the kitchen lights and I stepped through the hallway into the front room. There was a draft. The front door was open.
A man was standing in the front room. I tried to scream. The man rushed me. I tried to scream again with all of my might, "Jacob, there's a man inside the house!" unfortunately for me it came out as a feeble whisper. The man grabbed me by the hair and held something toward me-a knife or a gun-- but he didn't hurt me. I got away and ran around to the kitchen, turning lights back on that had mysteriously been turned off.
In the Kitchen someone was holding my son. I yanked him away from the intruder and ran into the bedroom and said, "Jake, get up. There's a man in the house and he has a weapon." my husband stirred and fell back to sleep. I yelled it this time and my voice worked!
Jake sat up and looked at me, alarmed. His eyes got wide and he pointed to the door behind me. I dropped Bentley and ran to try and lock the door but Jacob was too quick. He ran at the intruder and I realized too late that the two intruders were holding knives.
I will spare you the details but I will never forget what happened next. I only pray that God will erase the next moments forever from my mind.

I woke up, gasping and terrified, lying between Jacob and Bentley like I had in my nightmare.

It's dreams like these that make me want a gun. I don't know if I could ever pull the trigger on another human being. I don't even know if I could shoot an animal with one of those contraptions. All I know is that in my dream when they turned on my husband I grabbed the nearest sharp object I could find to try and save him. So maybe I could, if pressed. Knowing Bentley or Jacob was on the line. I might be enticed to do so. What struck me as odd is in every one of my dreams, it doesn't matter if the intruder or intruders are caught by the homeowners. They want to hurt us. They don't run away because we are awake or even when we confront them. I am not surprised that even in my dream Jacob would play the Hero. True to his character. Though. I hope if it ever happens in real life that we both have the good sense to barricade the bedroom door, call 911 and...I don't even know what. Get a gun. ha ha.

I am writing this post with the lights on, sitting in the front room. When I lay down I have cramps again. The cramps will go away but this nagging fear will last for hours. It happened the first two times too. In each dream there is an intruder and a threat of danger, if not dying. I wake up in terror and Jacob sleeps through it all. I just want to wake him and cry and cry and cry. But Bentley is sleeping and Jacob has school in the morning, so. Congratulations, everyone gets to read about it.

Supposing that this is just a pregnancy dream I must say that the first time around, with Bentley, I think I was feeling an irrepressible anxiety that I couldn't handle the responsibility of a child. I felt like I would have to do it alone and didn't think that I could do it. Of course I don't have to do it alone. The Lord is there, God is there and my husband is there. Not to mention Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and friends. we are well taken care of.
I can't help but wonder if, this time, my dreams are being affected by Brooklyn's prognosis. My daughter is in danger of dying and there is nothing I can do about it. Almost like my mind is interpreting it into the most horrific scene to explain my discomfort. Like a man coming into my home uninvited and harming my family. My husband. The man who I love most in the entire universe. And I am helpless. I can't stop it. I just have to stand by and witness the horror. Knowing how much I love Bentley, I can only imagine how much I will love Brooklyn all the more when I see her. Perhaps my body is right this time. Perhaps the dreams serve a greater purpose by showcasing my worst fear, shocking my system before it happens. Neither Jacob nor I can stop what is happening, only God can. And I have to watch my loved one suffer.

And the worst part is that they feel so real. I could feel the draft. I could feel my voice not working, from, who knows what, terror? I think it is because the reaction is so visceral my body actually tries to scream, even though I'm asleep.

It's 3:27. I suppose a prayer is long overdue at this point. So I'm going to leave you with a happy thought.
No matter what happens in life, I have faith that God is at the helm. Jesus Christ has paid for me with his blood and because He rose again, we shall also rise again. So no matter what happens in this life, I trust that He will care for us. And the best way to chase away feelings of fear and insecurity is to testify of the Son of God.
I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

And now, the good stuff

All right, you guys have been patient with my long posts about things, so it's time to breathe some life back into this blog. :D no pun intended.

Too..bright!

Bentley continues to amaze and astound us. His understanding of the world around him deepens every day. Cause and effect is now applied to Mom and Dad along with doors and toys. He enjoys ignoring mom until she either, 1. gets frustrated, 2. gets mad, 3. talks about a bottle. It's driving me mad--but he is still listening when it comes to the stairs and the asphalt, so can I really complain?

Play time, before bedtime

Bentley really enjoys "cleaning up", "Blue's Clues", "I am a child of God", and Getting the mail with Daddy.  Sometimes Dad will let Bentley walk the whole way beside him. It's so cute to see Jake and his Mini Me walking to the mailbox. Bentley even moves his hands like he is saying something really important. And, going back to the beginning of the paragraph, Bentley is always SO helpful when I sing the "Clean up" song. Gotta love it.

Chillin' with mom

Today as Bentley and I were eating lunch we had a moment of profound understanding. I smiled at him and said, "Bentley, you are my best buddy!"
To which Bentley smiled and pointed at himself.

"How'd'ya get so Smaat?"

Wearing his other new suit. Aren't my boys handsome?

Bentley has two new "birthday suits", one is blue, from Grandma Machiel and the other is this little number from Grandma Wendie. He looks dashing in each of them. And what a handsome Dad!( It's a good thing he's married to me, because I totally check him out.)

Learning

My favorite pastime is to watch Jake and Bentley play together. Jake is so busy so Bentley and I try really hard to stay out of his hair most of the time, but Jake always seems to find the time to do something with Bentley. I liked these two pictures because it truly is a learning moment. They are even using the same blocks. Keep scrolling. You'll understand. 

Oh nasty. I just pulled ABC gum out of Bentley's mouth. It's white. When did we have white gum last? THAT is disgusting.

in action

Backpack? Or Mommy's baby leash?

 I don't actually use this harness a lot. When Grandma Wendie first gave it to us I let Bentley wear it like a backpack. He doesn't quite understand why I need to hold the tail and we don't go anywhere public enough to warrant a leash. I hope to go to the zoo some time, though, and then we will probably use it then. :D And the Dinosaur museum. It's like 2 dollars a person on Tuesdays or something like that.

Bentley looks like he's about to get a door prize or something. Pick number three!

I said I wouldn't put it on facebook, but I print off my blog.
 Here's my beautiful sister and I. She wears pregnancy like a prada bag.

Cousins :D

Perfect expression of joy. While eating mom's makeup.

The day Bentley overcame his fear of grass.

I was so proud of Bentley on this day. I can't wait until it gets warmer so we can play in the grass longer. He walked through the patch of grass at least 6 times! He raced his Uncle braun in the little field next to our house and Bentley didn't even make a face! He still doesn't like the way it feels, and won't sit or lay down but we are making progress. 

And kites are scary. I am sure if Bentley could read my blog, he would appreciate this add-in. Kites are very, very scary. 

Anyway, I should go get some shots for my child. Love you all. Bentley says Hi. Next time I will try to upload one of these videos I have. It's just a pain. :D Have a great day!

Mom a Me Uh

Death, Life and Brooklyn

I have been reflecting today about many things that I wanted to share with you today. Sorry there are no pictures, I'm writing this late at night and my laptop doesn't have a sim-card slot. First things first, though, I need to address the number of people who have been expressing their heartfelt condolences and feelings about the subjects I have been writing. I just wanted to say, "Thank You." I don't really know what to say when I receive an email or a letter or even a text about my experience or someone else's. I kind of feel like what needs to be said already has, but it's always nice to know that your words have been heard by the one you are sharing them with. So, Thanks.

Today as I was reflecting on 'loss', I recalled a boy from my childhood. Granted, it was only 9 years ago. A friend of mine had their father suddenly pass away. It was a freak accident, really. It just happened to be his time. He is survived by his wife and several children. Six, to be exact. At this point in my inexperienced life I hadn't the foggiest idea how this event might effect my friend. I was sad for him, we all were.  I didn't expect it to change our relationship or my life or even his life for that matter. I was in a play and it was very important to me and he was my crush and life would continue as normal. It didn't though.

Everything changed after his father was buried. He withdrew from all of his ward friends. He joined the kids at school who used to torment me and he ignored me altogether. Shortly afterward we got into a fight and exchanged words that I am so ashamed even left my mouth. Looking back, I don't blame him for the way he fled. I'm sure he felt uncomfortable around 14 year old kids who didn't know how to act or what to say. He found new friends who probably didn't ask him too many questions or gave him weird looks. There were no expectations. He could reinvent himself. And I'm sure there were no memories attached.

My heart aches when I think about this experience. I only wish that I had enough common sense back then to take it all back. I wish that I could have done it all over again with what I know now. I wish that I could have been a pillar of strength, like I always used to think I was. One can never know how deeply affected a person can be. Or how the effect will change their lives forever. I know that I have already apologized once. I wish he knew how many prayers have been offered on his behalf on my side. And how often I have begged for his forgiveness and the Father's.

I also spent a great deal of time thinking about the boys who used to torment me. What was their problem? I don't understand how teasing a 13 year old girl to tears could be so entertaining. Sometimes I wonder if I really was just that strange...or if, perhaps they were being protective of my friend. I moved a year later, but I have seen them since all of that happened and they seem to still hold feelings of distaste for me. So strange. Makes me wonder what in their life is so messed up that they need to act that way. I guess I'll never know.

I had a discussion with a new mother today. I went over to hold her baby, but I ended up not asking to hold her daughter. There was no reason, really. When I got there I took one look at the baby girl and I just felt so...detached. I don't know if people know this about me, ha ha, and it's not something to brag about, but I don't really love holding other people's children. Don't get me wrong. I love newborns and I love babies and I love mommies. There's just nothing like holding your own flesh and blood in your arms. And this baby looks nothing like me. She's caucasian but a mix of Swedish and Tongan and the parents are mixes of other ethnicities. A beautiful child, but I felt no connection. No need to hold her. Anyway...I just wanted to clarify.

We talked about Brooklyn and what was going on with her. In our conversation I grew a little disturbed. The mom has her opinions--which she is certainly entitled to. She made the comment that in my situation she would be bitter. Which, I suppose is not that absurd. People can be bitter over loss, it happens. Granted, I still have Brooklyn at this point, but it feels like she is already gone some days. What bothered me was the way she said it, as if, were I bitter it would be perfectly fine.

She also stated, after I explained that Doctors have discussed our 'options'
(when I say options, I mean to say that the Doctor would induce me today, if I asked him.) with us and I have decided to continue the pregnancy until Brooklyn is carried at full term. For better or for worse. She stated that she would have already been induced. Again, in such a manner that I felt like I was being given permission to do so.

I'm sure she didn't intend to make me feel so. She meant everything well, I'm sure, but I couldn't help but feel the way I did.

I am disturbed because of the negative undertones of the discussion. I don't feel like I can be bitter. Sad, yes. Helpless maybe... but I don't believe anyone is entitled to be bitter. With the knowledge that we have that families can be together forever, or knowing that God has given us everything or hang all that and just knowing that God sent us down here for a purpose and that our children are not ours (as I have previously stated) how can we ever be anything but grateful? Do we FEEL bitter some times? Absolutely! We wouldn't be human otherwise! Are we entitled to be so? We may think that we are. We shouldn't be, though. And some days it is a fight to change my attitude. It's a shame that when I have bad days I immediately become selfish and think only of myself. Misery indeed loves company.

The other reason I was disturbed is because I most certainly am pro life. Now, I would never dream of judging a woman who did decide to deliver at 28 weeks. I understand that many children in Brooklyn's condition don't make it through the third trimester. I am aware that by having a baby early your chances of holding the child while she is still breathing go up. However, if God wanted Brooklyn to come early, he would make it happen. If God wants to take her home before she breathes her first breath then He has every right to. I, however, believe that if God wanted to heal her he would expect me to do my part. I want to give Brooklyn the very best chance that she can have. If, by chance, she doesn't have Trisomy 18 then they could still save her. If she does, then at least I will get to hold her. Alive or not. And I will get to enjoy my pregnancy a little longer. Other children can wait. Weight-loss can wait.

I have faith in God. And for some people, they might find a different option or choice for their particular circumstance. But as for me and my family, this is the right decision. God will provide. He has and he will continue. I thank Him every day for Brooklyn and for Bentley. I only get this time once and I will enjoy it as much as I can.

For all of you with a difficult decision or who have other voices whispering at their ear. God will provide for you. Fall back on what you have learned as a child or what you have learned as you have embraced the gospel. "And the Lord thy God shall lead you. Shall lead you by the hand and give thee answers to thy prayers."

I know this to be true. I have prayed about it. Have peace. Be still and know that He is God.

In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

March 16, 2013

Today I feel...great. The last half of this week has just been really great. I have done nothing. Really. I did the dishes once. A load of laundry. Folded some clothes. Other than that I just spent time with my little Bentley. He was sick a few days ago and since then we've just been pal-ing around. Every day he just gets so much older.Yesterday he surprised Jake and I by stepping onto the grass of his own accord! I mean, he immediately got back off but he did it! We are so proud of him. And when Dad takes Bentley for a walk to the mailbox Bentley walks along beside him and talks, using his hands for emphasis. It's so adorable. Stop growing!
Yesterday Bentley was cranky to the MAX. So I had to lay on the bed with him until he fell asleep. I am so blessed to have such a loving, adorable child. And a loving husband, for that matter. I spent a good amount of time reading through a blog this morning. It was one of those eye opening experiences where you think "Wow, that could have been me--" well, thankfully, my husband is probably the most loving person I know and kind and he would never have done the atrocities that I read about on this person's blog but...what if? I can't even imagine what I would do if I had a temple marriage and then went through the experiences this amazingly strong woman went through. I just don't know that I would have handled it with her grace and with her understanding. I was reminded that I have been very blessed.
Everyone has trials. Let's not forget that. And everyone's trials will be for their good. I'm sure that's a hard statement for many people to say. Some times trials are given to us, sometimes we bring them on ourselves. I think the hardest trials are the ones inflicted by others. Especially those you love.
We have been truly blessed because, no matter what happens, our trial still ends in a happily ever after. Whether Brooklyn stays with us or whether she goes, she is still going to be able to complete the mission that God has given to her. She will still be able to see us again and she will have gained exaltation--which is really our end goal.
But right now I am grateful that I don't need to shield my children from their husband. That I can trust him. And that he is loyal to me. I guess I realize I have all of these blessings all the time but today they are very apparent. Not every woman has those blessings. I would even go so far as to say most women don't have those blessings. I am grateful that I do.
On her blog she said that we should be nice to everyone because everyone is fighting a hard battle. I agree. Be nice to everyone. Especially those who are so cruel to you. Who knows what is happening in their life to cause such reactions?
Today, just be thankful. And be kind. We have been blessed with so much!

Blessings

It is amazing to me that in the midst of trial the hand of God has never been more evident in my life. I know it isn't like this every time someone goes through a trial but I truly do feel as though we are being blessed with blessings that we don't have room enough to receive.

Friends and Family have been very supportive and we appreciate all the love and all the prayers that are being offered on our behalf. I feel that love and comfort around me like a thick blanket, calming, soothing my heart. Today the Bishopric  found out about what is going on in our family and their tender, heart-felt words touched my heart. Everyone wants to do something for our family and say something to cheer us up in what way they can. I have had people offer to run interference for me and start up fundraisers, offer to watch Bentley and bring over dinners. And every one of them means it.

I am also grateful for the blessings of Tithing. With all of our bills coming in I have become so stressed, as I am apt to do with money. With everything seeming to come crashing down on my head it was as if an umbrella of steel was held over my head and I was given the way to overcome these bills and deal with the emotional stress that comes with...everything that is happening I guess.

Priesthood blessings have also been a guiding light during dark times.

And the still small voice of the Holy Ghost whispering "This too shall pass. You are going to be okay."

I am grateful for the atonement and for prayer and today I am most grateful for my family. I am grateful for extended family and for Jacob who has been a pillar of strength and understanding and for Bentley. I truly don't know what we would do without him.

:) Enough said.

Thank you for being in my life and reading the words of my heart. I pray that if you guys take anything from my blog that you will take away this: That I have a testimony of God. I have a testimony of his Son, Jesus Christ. Our family will be together forever. Brooklyn's hours on earth may be fleeting, but she will live with God in His kingdom and we will be with her again.I feel the spirit in my life guiding us and healing us and I know without a doubt that God hears and answers our prayers. And I know that the trials that occur in our lives are not just arbitrary, but that they are tailor made to suit our individual lives and personalities. He loves us that much. I know these things because of direct revelation given to me as a result of prayer and priesthood blessings. And testify to you that what you are going through will strengthen you. It will make you better and there are always people around you praying for you, rooting for you and willing to serve you as the Lord's hands upon the earth. I know I am.
I testify of these things to you in the name of Jesus Christ.

~Some personal thoughts~

I went to pick out a baby shower gift today for a dear friend who is having a girl. Her daughter's name will be Alice. What a cute name! I never would have thought to pick something so simple. There is beauty in simplicity, but there is also beauty in complexity too.

This week has been a little harder than most. Perhaps it will always be a hard week when I get to see my little girl rather than just feel her in my belly. It's not always easy to remember the eternal when you have the mortal experience sitting right in front of your eyes. Just when I think I have a grasp on the eternal perspective and am willing to submit to the Lord's will something will happen and suddenly my rebellious heart cries out, "this is not how it is supposed to be! It's not right!". And then there all those people, who mean well, when they tell me that there is still a chance for her to be healed and that I shouldn't give up hope--that it's okay for me to want to cling to her life so jealously.

I now feel like I understand in the tiniest degree what the scriptures mean when it says that "Yet it pleased the Lord to ^abruise him; he hath put him to grief." I am not the Savior and I would never imagine that I could understand what He went through. But in the tiniest way I know that although God understands the pain I am going through, it pleases him to watch me grow and He knows that through this experience that there will be happiness.

All of that being said. I do have faith that God could heal Brooklyn. I've been over that before in previous posts. I know it's not wrong to have a hope that He will. What is so frustrating to me is that in that moment when we are coveting the life that she might have we turn away our faith from the Lord's great and eternal plan of happiness. The warm blanket of comfort that surrounds me retreats then and I am free to feel the anguish and, sometimes the anger, that comes with the pain of my trial. I know God can heal my daughter. I have no doubt. I also know that if she is not healed, then all the more glorious for us because she will be in the Celestial Kingdom. Why would I want to keep her from those wonderful blessings that she has earned?

 I know I'm not the only one who is going through this pain of the spirit at the idea--or the experience--of losing a loved one...but some days it sure feels like it. Today as I picked out my gift for my friend it felt like a deep bruise. Each time I looked upon something adorable for her little girl to wear, it was like someone was pushing on my bruise. It pleaseth him to bruise me, but He knows I will come out stronger for it. He knows that when I am reunited with her and all of my family that we will be filled with joy that we cannot comprehend at this time. I echo the words of Nephi

 "And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have ^atrusted."

We are all imperfect beings striving to live a perfect life like our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows that we can't do that, but He asks us to trust Him, to have faith in Him and to believe that The Father created a plan for us. They know every hair on our head and every hidden emotion in our hearts. I know this with all of my heart because as I have prayed for strength and prayed for the healing balm of Christ to be applied I have felt the warmth and comfort of a loving Father and His Son.  

28 ¶^aCome unto me, all ye that ^blabour and are heavy laden, and I will give you ^crest.

 29 Take my ^ayoke upon you, and ^blearn of me; for I am ^cmeek and^dlowly in ^eheart: and ye shall find ^frest unto your souls.

 30 For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light.

Of these things I testify in His name, even the name of Jesus Christ.

Happy Anniversary!

I know it's only been two days, but I can't help it! I'm drawn to my blog right now. Today is our Anniversary. Jake and my marriage is turning two. How fun. We used the last of the gift cards given to us at our wedding to purchase half our meal from one restaurant, and half from the other. It was a hit! Jake got some food that we ate on our honeymoon and I'm excited to snack on it for the next few weeks. I can't believe it's been two years. So much has happened that it feels like much longer and yet not long at all. Kind of like raising a kid.

Speaking of our little one, Bentley is a HOOT. He has been so funny these last few days. I took him outside to play with his bright orange soccer ball and I just had to laugh. I would roll the ball toward him and the wind would push it back and Bentley was laughing hysterically. Then today as I drove off to go to the Dr's he gave me this really sad face like.. "Dad...That's not fair."
There is this yellow plastic box that holds bath stuff and Bentley wanted Dad to put it on his (Bentley's) head. He would scowl at Dad until the yellow box was placed on his(Bentley's) head and then Bentley would laugh and then take it off and want Dad to do it again, all while scowling. I was asleep otherwise we might have caught it on camera.
Bentley has also taken up growling and putting his hands in fists like a sumo or a wrestler. It's so funny.

He also surprised me by learning a few new words: lemon, dinner, temple, dark, dot and daisy. He says Daisy very well.

Brooklyn is kicking a lot more now. I was relaxing on the giant bean bag and Bentley was leaning against my belly when suddenly he got kicked in the ribs! I don't think he noticed, but I jumped. She's definitely got some strength to her. Tomorrow we get to see her again. I looked up the 3D ultrasound, or 4D (whatever) at the office, we are almost big enough to do that.

We talked to the doctor about birthing options and what will happen for us. It was a very strange visit. It was almost like my doctor didn't know what to do with me. He listened to the heartbeat, didn't measure my uterus, told me it wasn't really all that important and said that now we just wait. Then he excused me. I did ask about the birthing options and he answered my question, but all in all I kind of wondered why I still have to see an OBGYN. If I am seeing a perinatologist, I would rather just see him. Problem is, He only deals with unborn children. He doesn't deliver. Bummer. I like him. It is just sad to talk to my OB because they just...don't know what to do and don't really know what to say. I don't think my OB thought I understood the diagnosis. I think he expected me to be horribly distraught, but he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. Well, honestly, he's not the OB I wanted to see, but my real DR. Was on Call today, so this was the first time I saw this other one. Pah. Anyway....

:) Life is good right now. Bentley and Brooklyn both have appointments tomorrow and I get to spend the evening with my husband. Life is so wonderful.

I have such a beautiful family.

Happy Anniversary, Jake. I love you! I am so lucky to have you in my life! I hope I never EVER forget it!

Family

Last night Brooklyn was kicking while Jacob and I were doing a puzzle together. I paused to put my hand on my belly to see if I could feel her on the outside--and I could! I immediately told Jacob he needed to feel it too. He placed his hand on my belly, above my belly button, and he was rewarded with three strong kicks.
The joy I felt at the life inside of my womb is inexplicable. I had so much love in that moment for my husband and my little girl. It was a sweet, peaceful feeling of light and joy. That is what this life is all about. Family. Knowing that we will be together forever is such a great blessing.

I wasn't going to post this on my blog, but I just had to put it on something and I couldn't find my journal. :) Bentley and I watched this video twice this morning. It is so beautiful! I know that Bentley and Brooklyn are children of God. And so are you! I hope this video gives you the uplift that you need at this time! You are a child of God! He has sent you here for a purpose! He loves you.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.