Nightmares

I woke up at 12 with crazy bad cramps again. I don't think I wrote about them on the blog but they are so severe. It's not quite like labor pains that I remember. Whatever they are, they hurt. I got up, took a shower and climbed back into bed with my son and my beloved husband.
Then I had the dream.
When I was pregnant with Bentley I used to have the most horrific dreams that Jacob was going to leave me. I woke up sad and crying every time and poor Jacob didn't know what to do with himself.
These dreams are different. It's my third dream. I pray they are a sign of pregnancy and not some ill-boding prophecy.

My dream had just ended. It was a nice dream. Machiel had been visiting the Utah huntsville hospital campus and I got to see all my friends and say hello and say Hi to Machiel--when I heard the loud, high pitched beeping of my front door-lock. I opened my eyes and I realized that everyone in my family was in bed with me. Literally. So I jumped up and walked quickly out of my bedroom and flipped on the back light and the kitchen lights and I stepped through the hallway into the front room. There was a draft. The front door was open.
A man was standing in the front room. I tried to scream. The man rushed me. I tried to scream again with all of my might, "Jacob, there's a man inside the house!" unfortunately for me it came out as a feeble whisper. The man grabbed me by the hair and held something toward me-a knife or a gun-- but he didn't hurt me. I got away and ran around to the kitchen, turning lights back on that had mysteriously been turned off.
In the Kitchen someone was holding my son. I yanked him away from the intruder and ran into the bedroom and said, "Jake, get up. There's a man in the house and he has a weapon." my husband stirred and fell back to sleep. I yelled it this time and my voice worked!
Jake sat up and looked at me, alarmed. His eyes got wide and he pointed to the door behind me. I dropped Bentley and ran to try and lock the door but Jacob was too quick. He ran at the intruder and I realized too late that the two intruders were holding knives.
I will spare you the details but I will never forget what happened next. I only pray that God will erase the next moments forever from my mind.

I woke up, gasping and terrified, lying between Jacob and Bentley like I had in my nightmare.

It's dreams like these that make me want a gun. I don't know if I could ever pull the trigger on another human being. I don't even know if I could shoot an animal with one of those contraptions. All I know is that in my dream when they turned on my husband I grabbed the nearest sharp object I could find to try and save him. So maybe I could, if pressed. Knowing Bentley or Jacob was on the line. I might be enticed to do so. What struck me as odd is in every one of my dreams, it doesn't matter if the intruder or intruders are caught by the homeowners. They want to hurt us. They don't run away because we are awake or even when we confront them. I am not surprised that even in my dream Jacob would play the Hero. True to his character. Though. I hope if it ever happens in real life that we both have the good sense to barricade the bedroom door, call 911 and...I don't even know what. Get a gun. ha ha.

I am writing this post with the lights on, sitting in the front room. When I lay down I have cramps again. The cramps will go away but this nagging fear will last for hours. It happened the first two times too. In each dream there is an intruder and a threat of danger, if not dying. I wake up in terror and Jacob sleeps through it all. I just want to wake him and cry and cry and cry. But Bentley is sleeping and Jacob has school in the morning, so. Congratulations, everyone gets to read about it.

Supposing that this is just a pregnancy dream I must say that the first time around, with Bentley, I think I was feeling an irrepressible anxiety that I couldn't handle the responsibility of a child. I felt like I would have to do it alone and didn't think that I could do it. Of course I don't have to do it alone. The Lord is there, God is there and my husband is there. Not to mention Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and friends. we are well taken care of.
I can't help but wonder if, this time, my dreams are being affected by Brooklyn's prognosis. My daughter is in danger of dying and there is nothing I can do about it. Almost like my mind is interpreting it into the most horrific scene to explain my discomfort. Like a man coming into my home uninvited and harming my family. My husband. The man who I love most in the entire universe. And I am helpless. I can't stop it. I just have to stand by and witness the horror. Knowing how much I love Bentley, I can only imagine how much I will love Brooklyn all the more when I see her. Perhaps my body is right this time. Perhaps the dreams serve a greater purpose by showcasing my worst fear, shocking my system before it happens. Neither Jacob nor I can stop what is happening, only God can. And I have to watch my loved one suffer.

And the worst part is that they feel so real. I could feel the draft. I could feel my voice not working, from, who knows what, terror? I think it is because the reaction is so visceral my body actually tries to scream, even though I'm asleep.

It's 3:27. I suppose a prayer is long overdue at this point. So I'm going to leave you with a happy thought.
No matter what happens in life, I have faith that God is at the helm. Jesus Christ has paid for me with his blood and because He rose again, we shall also rise again. So no matter what happens in this life, I trust that He will care for us. And the best way to chase away feelings of fear and insecurity is to testify of the Son of God.
I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.