I guess I'm not really sure how I feel.
People inquire after my mental/ emotional state all the time and I just say, "I'm well," or "I'm doing great,". Thing is, I've known that I would lose my child since February 7th. It's been 4 months of endless mourning and worrying. Now, after all this time I have finally lay her to rest. I don't know that I would say that I "lost" her because I will get her back... It's almost like she never happened. After months of waiting and fearing and hoping and crying all of the sudden it's over.
How can life just...resume... like that? One day it's me and Bentley paling around and then my life is consumed with the life of my other child and then...POOF! It's just me and Bentley again, all day every day. We play blocks and we read books and now that he is old enough I get to take him outside to play.
But then I sit down and I take out her pictures and I remember how her head fit in my hand, or how I used to gently run my fingers over her head and touch the nape of her neck or how her hands were clenched and I would open them each day just to help the muscles stretch. I try to remember her little cry and if I concentrate I can hear it in my mind. That's when I become sad. I look at Bentley, bored beyond belief and remember that I tried to give him someone to play with...
It's only been a week. Seriously? Has it only been a week? I feel like I've been dealing with these emotions for years. I feel tired again.
How does a person feel after such an experience? I truly feel at a loss for how I feel. Should I be angry? Should I be weeping? Should I be out going to movies and the zoo and parties? Should I be carrying on as normal? What is normal anymore? I had a child. I had two children and life changed forever. Just because the oxygen cord doesn't run through my house anymore...do I just pretend it was never there? Which stage of grief am I in? Does anyone have the answers to my questions?
It's as if someone came along and just pulled a chapter out of my life and I'm just kind of...rifling through the pages trying to figure out where those lost characters went. How can I go from being pregnant to suddenly not. Other than my swollen chest and my extra weight I don't feel like I ever was pregnant.
And then I want to talk to someone. I want to ask them how I should feel. I want to know what I'm supposed to do with all the memories that I have of Brooklyn. When I go to speak to someone I just freeze. I don't really want to talk to them. I don't want to share my feeling with them. They don't understand. They don't understand that all I want to talk about is how Brooklyn was so cute and how she used to get hiccups all the time and how it made her so angry! And how her face turned purple every time she had a bowel movement and it was so adorable. I want to talk about how sweet she was and how she slept all the time and she looked like a little frog when she was in her diaper. How I was so worried for her I couldn't sleep at night and so I always slept with my hand under her back so she would wake me up when she was hungry. How sweet it was when she would suck on her bottle and how it tired her out. And how my heart ached for her poor broken body. She was running a marathon every day but she chose to come to earth and to put on that body so that I could meet her.
I don't want to be sad. I am so blessed. I have a beautiful family who I love. I have a wonderful, supportive husband. I have a handsome son and a beautiful daughter and Brooklyn wouldn't want me to be sad. She is a busy woman up in heaven and far too much to do than babysit her crying mother. That being said, I know that there is a place for sadness and I cannot be strong all the time.
I just don't want to forget. If I forget most of my life I don't ever want to forget Brooklyn. I don't want to forget the little details. I want to remember everything. It makes me so sad that so few people knew her like we do and that in a year or so people will forget. It will be like she really was never there. And that breaks my heart. And how do I comfort those that I love? I know it's not enough to not cry in front of them. They know I cry anyway.
Wish life came with a manual. :)
Today Bentley did the cutest thing. I was reading a book on grief, trying to get to a part I found relate-able. I was feeling sad when quite suddenly Bentley stopped playing, walked over to me and gave me a big hug. I thank Heaven for my little boy every day. What a blessing. What a gift.
I'm very blessed. I just have to remember that. I am so very blessed. And Brooklyn isn't really as far away as she seems. And I know I won't really forget her.
-Courtney
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
June 20th 2013
Brooklyn Olivia Williams passed away on Tuesday the 18th around 7:30 AM. During this time of transition, I feel her spirit in our home, comforting us, abiding with us. A time that seems so sad is actually rather endurable today. I know that this is a result of many prayers of hundreds of people across the nation. I thank everyone for putting our names on prayer rolls and saying a word or two in your churches and in your family and personal prayers. We feel the strength and comfort of your love and the power of the atonement of the Savior. We truly are being blessed during this time. It's like a bubble of warmth, of peace, of calm. I'm not saying it isn't sad or it wasn't difficult to lay my child down to sleep for a time unknown, but today I feel at peace.
We had a beautiful ceremony today at the cemetery, a small ceremony with friends, family and a few of our ward leaders. I wish I could have invited some of my dear friends, but I selfishly wanted to keep this sacred moment in my eternal family. I know that all of you were there in your hearts. Here are some photos that we took during the services. Thank you to my friends and family for bringing your wonderful spirits and your love to my little girl's graveside services. I know that she was there with us and it was absolutely beautiful.
We had a beautiful ceremony today at the cemetery, a small ceremony with friends, family and a few of our ward leaders. I wish I could have invited some of my dear friends, but I selfishly wanted to keep this sacred moment in my eternal family. I know that all of you were there in your hearts. Here are some photos that we took during the services. Thank you to my friends and family for bringing your wonderful spirits and your love to my little girl's graveside services. I know that she was there with us and it was absolutely beautiful.
Friday, June 14, 2013
2 Weeks and 2 days old
Brooklyn is a little miracle.
Everything about her is so very tiny. Her face has filled out and her head is more round, but she looks like a little doll. And when she cries it's more of a "mew" than anything. It's such a sweet sound. Of all the little features she has my favorites are these: I love the thick, dark hair at the nape of her neck. And I love her teeny tiny fists. They are so small, no bigger than a...well...what could I compare it to? One of those big seed grapes. The black ones? Maybe a little smaller. I love her tiny mouth and her dark gray eyes. She is just beautiful.
The past two weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel my heart steadily climbing, plunging, and at times a smooth, easy coast. It's getting easier when she gets upset, she doesn't turn as purple and I am able to take a deep breath and deal with it calmly--mostly. The first few days I was afraid that if she got upset that it would be the end, her heart really can't take that much stress--but she has proven and continues to prove that her mission on this earth is not yet over.
Like any newborn Brooklyn sleeps most of the time, when she is awake her breathing is labored and she always makes this little "pfft"sound when she exhales. Having a bowel movement really taxes her and her face turns a light purple, it feels like whenever she's awake she's working on something down there. I sometimes prefer when she's sleeping, mainly because she doesn't seem to be bothered by her breathing or moving or having a bowel movement. And she just looks so peaceful.
When she does get upset I have been holding her to my chest in a sitting position and patting her back until she calms down. It stresses me out to think about what might be stressing her. I wish that I could just take all the pain away, all the frustrations. I would rather endure excruciating labor pains than see my little girl suffer. When I take a moment to think about it I am always reminded of when the Savior suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross. Knowing that Heavenly Father not only had to watch but that he could have done something about it and chose not to so that His son could finish the work He came to do. Not only that but He even had to withdraw his spirit leaving His son alone to bear the burden on his own. I know that Brooklyn and our family are being blessed right now. And even when she is suffering--if she is--she is never alone. Someone is always with her, and there are many on the other side of the veil comforting her.
I know that the Savior is comforting her too. At night when I go to sleep, I know at least one of His servants is watching closely over her.
Bentley is so funny lately. We had someone taking professional-like pictures and Bentley was sitting on the couch, holding Brooklyn (with assistance from Mom and Dad) and he grabbed Brooklyn's fist. It took us a moment to realize what he wanted, but he showed us. After I removed her fist from his hand he gave her 'rocks', by fist bumping her tiny fist. It was so adorable. Bentley is learning to get along with Brooklyn. When he gets out of time out he always distracts me by saying "Broo broo". Ha ha. It's very cute. He knows not to touch her oxygen cord that runs through the house and he's being constantly reminded not to touch Brooklyn. He always wants to kiss her and when we hug him now he will pat our backs (like we do to Brooklyn).
It's obviously a time of change and frustration for Bentley too, and he is testing us like crazy. It makes me so sad that I have to keep putting him in time out for throwing fits but I can't deal with his fits and Brooklyn at the same time. He is getting back on schedule though, and hopefully his top molars will finally come through so he can have a couple days free of mouth-pain.
He is growing so much again. I know I have said that before, but now his vocabulary has jumped. He knows many animals and their sounds, he knows people and can identify their pictures. Bentley can identify his books by name and can pick out his shoes and bring them to you. I keep wondering, "is this kid really 16 months?" well, he isn't, but he will be in 6 days. Crazy.
Whenever Bentley is acting out and he gets in trouble, I can see the pain in his eyes. He really doesn't understand why his mom suddenly doesn't have the time for him any more. And it's not that I don't have time, it's just that I am always holding Brooklyn and when I'm not holding her, Bentley wants someone else's attention--almost like he's punishing me. All he really wants is his mom back. I hope this transition doesn't last a long time. I hate that my little buddy misses me when I'm standing right in front of him.
Bentley has discovered closets and doors. He likes to hide in them and wait for you to look for him so he can say "Aboo!", he likes to chase mom and dad around the house and laughs when we jump out at him. Jacob has taught him how to laugh maniacally and it is so stinkin' cute.
Jacob is back at school researching. He is so amazing. I know it must be hard to leave every day, but the faith that he has that the Lord will care for his family strengthens me. That's the only way I ever leave the house, knowing that God will take care of our family.
Jake has been getting up early to exercise and eating healthier, trying to get in shape. Consider me impressed. We both have our target weights we would like to get down to and I can't wait until I can jog/run/walk again. I'm getting antsy just sitting around the house while Jake is going on walks with Bentley. I have been so grateful for my husband through all that is going on. This past year really has driven home the notion of "cleaving" unto your spouse. I have friends and family members who support me and who love me but at the end of the day I can turn to my spouse and find the comfort that no one else on earth can give me. Marriage truly is a God-given institution.
With Father's day around the corner I just want to take a second to say how grateful I am for Fathers. I am grateful for my Dad. I am grateful for the righteous example that he set for me, for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to exercise it in my home as I was growing up. He was there in moments when I needed him and he helped me find my way. I love him.
I am so thankful for the man who raised my husband. He is such a good example to Jake and also to myself and he inspires us to be better. I know that the man is not without the woman, neither the woman without the man, especially when it comes to child-rearing but I am forever grateful for the righteous example he gives to us.
And I am so thankful for my husband. Jacob is such a good father, he loves his children to the point of boasting ;). He cares for them and plays with them and kisses them good night every single night. He is a good man and brings a beautiful spirit into our home whenever he is here. I know Bentley loves his dad and he is SO HAPPY when his dad comes home from school. I love that Jacob never loses his temper with Bentley and he takes him to get the mail every day. They are well on their way to being buddies. I love that he is so patient with me and he cares for me and I have no doubt that he loves me.
And last, but certainly not least I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who is mindful of my family. He has such an all encompassing eternal plan of happiness. It is perfection. Every institution that He gives us brings joy into our home. I am so grateful for His invention of the Family. I am so thankful He allows us to have children and to learn from them. I am so thankful for his sacrifice. I am so thankful for His son.
I will post a video of Bentley, but I just wanted to say, Thanks for all your support everyone and for your prayers. Our family has been so blessed because you have taken time out of your life to pray on our behalf. Thank you for your selfless service and your love.
I love you.
On behalf of my family,
Happy Father's Day.
Courtney, Jacob, Bentley & Brooklyn
Everything about her is so very tiny. Her face has filled out and her head is more round, but she looks like a little doll. And when she cries it's more of a "mew" than anything. It's such a sweet sound. Of all the little features she has my favorites are these: I love the thick, dark hair at the nape of her neck. And I love her teeny tiny fists. They are so small, no bigger than a...well...what could I compare it to? One of those big seed grapes. The black ones? Maybe a little smaller. I love her tiny mouth and her dark gray eyes. She is just beautiful.
The past two weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel my heart steadily climbing, plunging, and at times a smooth, easy coast. It's getting easier when she gets upset, she doesn't turn as purple and I am able to take a deep breath and deal with it calmly--mostly. The first few days I was afraid that if she got upset that it would be the end, her heart really can't take that much stress--but she has proven and continues to prove that her mission on this earth is not yet over.
Like any newborn Brooklyn sleeps most of the time, when she is awake her breathing is labored and she always makes this little "pfft"sound when she exhales. Having a bowel movement really taxes her and her face turns a light purple, it feels like whenever she's awake she's working on something down there. I sometimes prefer when she's sleeping, mainly because she doesn't seem to be bothered by her breathing or moving or having a bowel movement. And she just looks so peaceful.
When she does get upset I have been holding her to my chest in a sitting position and patting her back until she calms down. It stresses me out to think about what might be stressing her. I wish that I could just take all the pain away, all the frustrations. I would rather endure excruciating labor pains than see my little girl suffer. When I take a moment to think about it I am always reminded of when the Savior suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross. Knowing that Heavenly Father not only had to watch but that he could have done something about it and chose not to so that His son could finish the work He came to do. Not only that but He even had to withdraw his spirit leaving His son alone to bear the burden on his own. I know that Brooklyn and our family are being blessed right now. And even when she is suffering--if she is--she is never alone. Someone is always with her, and there are many on the other side of the veil comforting her.
I know that the Savior is comforting her too. At night when I go to sleep, I know at least one of His servants is watching closely over her.
Bentley is so funny lately. We had someone taking professional-like pictures and Bentley was sitting on the couch, holding Brooklyn (with assistance from Mom and Dad) and he grabbed Brooklyn's fist. It took us a moment to realize what he wanted, but he showed us. After I removed her fist from his hand he gave her 'rocks', by fist bumping her tiny fist. It was so adorable. Bentley is learning to get along with Brooklyn. When he gets out of time out he always distracts me by saying "Broo broo". Ha ha. It's very cute. He knows not to touch her oxygen cord that runs through the house and he's being constantly reminded not to touch Brooklyn. He always wants to kiss her and when we hug him now he will pat our backs (like we do to Brooklyn).
It's obviously a time of change and frustration for Bentley too, and he is testing us like crazy. It makes me so sad that I have to keep putting him in time out for throwing fits but I can't deal with his fits and Brooklyn at the same time. He is getting back on schedule though, and hopefully his top molars will finally come through so he can have a couple days free of mouth-pain.
He is growing so much again. I know I have said that before, but now his vocabulary has jumped. He knows many animals and their sounds, he knows people and can identify their pictures. Bentley can identify his books by name and can pick out his shoes and bring them to you. I keep wondering, "is this kid really 16 months?" well, he isn't, but he will be in 6 days. Crazy.
Whenever Bentley is acting out and he gets in trouble, I can see the pain in his eyes. He really doesn't understand why his mom suddenly doesn't have the time for him any more. And it's not that I don't have time, it's just that I am always holding Brooklyn and when I'm not holding her, Bentley wants someone else's attention--almost like he's punishing me. All he really wants is his mom back. I hope this transition doesn't last a long time. I hate that my little buddy misses me when I'm standing right in front of him.
Bentley has discovered closets and doors. He likes to hide in them and wait for you to look for him so he can say "Aboo!", he likes to chase mom and dad around the house and laughs when we jump out at him. Jacob has taught him how to laugh maniacally and it is so stinkin' cute.
Jacob is back at school researching. He is so amazing. I know it must be hard to leave every day, but the faith that he has that the Lord will care for his family strengthens me. That's the only way I ever leave the house, knowing that God will take care of our family.
Jake has been getting up early to exercise and eating healthier, trying to get in shape. Consider me impressed. We both have our target weights we would like to get down to and I can't wait until I can jog/run/walk again. I'm getting antsy just sitting around the house while Jake is going on walks with Bentley. I have been so grateful for my husband through all that is going on. This past year really has driven home the notion of "cleaving" unto your spouse. I have friends and family members who support me and who love me but at the end of the day I can turn to my spouse and find the comfort that no one else on earth can give me. Marriage truly is a God-given institution.
With Father's day around the corner I just want to take a second to say how grateful I am for Fathers. I am grateful for my Dad. I am grateful for the righteous example that he set for me, for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to exercise it in my home as I was growing up. He was there in moments when I needed him and he helped me find my way. I love him.
I am so thankful for the man who raised my husband. He is such a good example to Jake and also to myself and he inspires us to be better. I know that the man is not without the woman, neither the woman without the man, especially when it comes to child-rearing but I am forever grateful for the righteous example he gives to us.
And I am so thankful for my husband. Jacob is such a good father, he loves his children to the point of boasting ;). He cares for them and plays with them and kisses them good night every single night. He is a good man and brings a beautiful spirit into our home whenever he is here. I know Bentley loves his dad and he is SO HAPPY when his dad comes home from school. I love that Jacob never loses his temper with Bentley and he takes him to get the mail every day. They are well on their way to being buddies. I love that he is so patient with me and he cares for me and I have no doubt that he loves me.
And last, but certainly not least I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who is mindful of my family. He has such an all encompassing eternal plan of happiness. It is perfection. Every institution that He gives us brings joy into our home. I am so grateful for His invention of the Family. I am so thankful He allows us to have children and to learn from them. I am so thankful for his sacrifice. I am so thankful for His son.
I will post a video of Bentley, but I just wanted to say, Thanks for all your support everyone and for your prayers. Our family has been so blessed because you have taken time out of your life to pray on our behalf. Thank you for your selfless service and your love.
I love you.
On behalf of my family,
Happy Father's Day.
Courtney, Jacob, Bentley & Brooklyn
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A Family
We returned home from the hospital on the night of Brooklyn's birth. Bentley was asleep so we didn't see him. My mother stayed up with Brooklyn and I got some sleep, of course, I was pumping every hour, so it wasn't much sleep. Machiel took turns too and between the four of us (me, Jake, mom and Machiel) we managed the first couple days. Brian and Sara arrived Friday evening.
It truly has been such a blessing to have so many hands, it really is true that many hands make light work. I have help keeping my house clean, help chasing Bentley down and help holding my little one so I can catch up on much needed sleep.
Bentley has certainly felt the shift. He has gone from cute and adorable to jealous and cranky! The first day we had her home Bentley sat in his highchair, grabbed hold of his own hair and pulled it until his face showed pain. ha ha ha. It was actually rather funny--until he pulled MY hair and then it wasn't funny any more. He watched her warily for awhile, now he kind of ignores her. Sometimes he will come over and say "Baby!" other times he will wave and say, "Hi,". Personally, I really like it when he says, "Sister!"
It's been really nice though, in the mornings when Machiel is watching Brooklyn so I can sleep, Brian will take Bentley for a walk in the jogging stroller that Grandma Machiel bought. Bentley loves it. I am sure he is so tired of being in this house all the time. Another new development in this house is Bentley's sudden love of technology. He is ADDICTED to Grandma's Ipad. ADDICTED! He throws fits when he can't play with it. FITS! My child? What happened to my sweet, loving child? Tell me Terrible Twos are not around the corner. I just don't know if I can take it!! Oh well, I love him no matter what, even when he is kicking me and screaming and saying "Down!" I am sure that one day he will want to cuddle me again, even if it is when he is sick.
Brooklyn herself is such a little miracle. Ever since we brought her home she has continued to thrive. The first day when we were figuring things out she would get upset and start turning purple. I don't know what else to do but to keep her fed and happy so that she doesn't get upset like that. Her little heart can only take so much and I want to keep her around as long as I possibly can. Maybe that's selfish of me, to keep her from her eternal blessings, but she is my child and I will do everything I can for her.
Brooklyn is being fed through an NG tube, which means that a tube runs up into her nose and down her throat into her stomach. We feed her 20-30 ml of breast milk every hour and a half to two hours. At first we started with 5 ml and every other feeding we added 1 ml. Now that we are up a little more she is sleeping a little longer at night, which is really nice for me because I am a tired post-pregnant woman.
It truly is a miracle. Who would have thought that Brooklyn would do so well? When she was born I was ready for her to die. The door between life and death was wide open and I was ready to hand her back to the Father. I cherish every moment of her life. I love her little breaths, I love her tiny cry. I look into her dark grey eyes and sometimes through the newborn fog I can see her looking at me. I wonder how much pure knowledge she has in that tiny body of hers. I wonder what she can remember of Heaven. I wonder if she knows how long she will be with me on earth. The Perinatologist doctor thinks it will be a couple of weeks. I am praying for a few months. I would love a year. I would love ten years.
I know that this wish is selfish. There are so many mothers who have given their children back before they have drawn their first breath, many who have gone through the loss without having any time at all. I am so grateful for this answer to my prayers. For the answer to so many prayers of those who have been praying for my little family. I am grateful for any moment of borrowed time that I have been allowed. I will keep taking pictures and videos and enjoying my little family. My growing family. It's such an amazing miracle that I have two babies instead of just one! It is no longer the three amigos but the four compadres! Jacob, Bentley, Courtney and Brooklyn. We have our handsome pale boys with blue eyes and our brown eyed girls.
The best part is no matter what happens I will get to keep my family for eternity. It is this truth that keeps me sane, that pulls my frayed nerves together and allows me to keep moving forward. Life has stopped for this last week but it must continue. Jacob is going back to school. Brian and Sara will have to leave on friday. Mom went back to work. Machiel and I are the only ones who will be able to continue living in the twilight zone. We will learn to live with oxygen tanks and cords running through the house, we will figure out how to keep feeding her ever growing body and life will continue, not as normal, because life will never be the same. Brooklyn has changed our life forever in so many great ways. And on the days when my fear threatens to be bigger than my faith I kneel in prayer and the Lord makes it bearable.
I believe that we were all put on this earth as a test, to prove that through all things in life that we would be true to Heavenly Father. He has restored his church on this earth so that we can know and understand His laws and return to him through obedience. I know that through our lives we will be asked to do hard things. We can do hard things. If there is nothing else that I have learned through the last four months it is this. No matter what happens everything will be okay as long as we put the Lord first. He will make everything work out for our good. We don't receive everything that we ask for in this life, not every blessing will be given to every person on this earth. But I believe that God, in His mercy, blesses us with exactly what we need--and sometimes things that we want. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with this time with Brooklyn. I am so grateful He has so many servants on this earth who are blessing our lives through their kind condolences and their quiet service. We have had meals brought, flowers sent, kind words of love and support and beautiful gifts given to my little Brooklyn. I couldn't ask for more evidence of Heavenly Father's love. And every day I ask for it I feel His loving arms around me. I feel the comfort of the Savior as a healing balm for the injury only He knows.
Thank you for all your support.
Courtney, Jacob, Bentley and our sweet baby Brooklyn.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
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