Everything about her is so very tiny. Her face has filled out and her head is more round, but she looks like a little doll. And when she cries it's more of a "mew" than anything. It's such a sweet sound. Of all the little features she has my favorites are these: I love the thick, dark hair at the nape of her neck. And I love her teeny tiny fists. They are so small, no bigger than a...well...what could I compare it to? One of those big seed grapes. The black ones? Maybe a little smaller. I love her tiny mouth and her dark gray eyes. She is just beautiful.
The past two weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel my heart steadily climbing, plunging, and at times a smooth, easy coast. It's getting easier when she gets upset, she doesn't turn as purple and I am able to take a deep breath and deal with it calmly--mostly. The first few days I was afraid that if she got upset that it would be the end, her heart really can't take that much stress--but she has proven and continues to prove that her mission on this earth is not yet over.
Like any newborn Brooklyn sleeps most of the time, when she is awake her breathing is labored and she always makes this little "pfft"sound when she exhales. Having a bowel movement really taxes her and her face turns a light purple, it feels like whenever she's awake she's working on something down there. I sometimes prefer when she's sleeping, mainly because she doesn't seem to be bothered by her breathing or moving or having a bowel movement. And she just looks so peaceful.
When she does get upset I have been holding her to my chest in a sitting position and patting her back until she calms down. It stresses me out to think about what might be stressing her. I wish that I could just take all the pain away, all the frustrations. I would rather endure excruciating labor pains than see my little girl suffer. When I take a moment to think about it I am always reminded of when the Savior suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross. Knowing that Heavenly Father not only had to watch but that he could have done something about it and chose not to so that His son could finish the work He came to do. Not only that but He even had to withdraw his spirit leaving His son alone to bear the burden on his own. I know that Brooklyn and our family are being blessed right now. And even when she is suffering--if she is--she is never alone. Someone is always with her, and there are many on the other side of the veil comforting her.
I know that the Savior is comforting her too. At night when I go to sleep, I know at least one of His servants is watching closely over her.
Bentley is so funny lately. We had someone taking professional-like pictures and Bentley was sitting on the couch, holding Brooklyn (with assistance from Mom and Dad) and he grabbed Brooklyn's fist. It took us a moment to realize what he wanted, but he showed us. After I removed her fist from his hand he gave her 'rocks', by fist bumping her tiny fist. It was so adorable. Bentley is learning to get along with Brooklyn. When he gets out of time out he always distracts me by saying "Broo broo". Ha ha. It's very cute. He knows not to touch her oxygen cord that runs through the house and he's being constantly reminded not to touch Brooklyn. He always wants to kiss her and when we hug him now he will pat our backs (like we do to Brooklyn).
It's obviously a time of change and frustration for Bentley too, and he is testing us like crazy. It makes me so sad that I have to keep putting him in time out for throwing fits but I can't deal with his fits and Brooklyn at the same time. He is getting back on schedule though, and hopefully his top molars will finally come through so he can have a couple days free of mouth-pain.
He is growing so much again. I know I have said that before, but now his vocabulary has jumped. He knows many animals and their sounds, he knows people and can identify their pictures. Bentley can identify his books by name and can pick out his shoes and bring them to you. I keep wondering, "is this kid really 16 months?" well, he isn't, but he will be in 6 days. Crazy.
Whenever Bentley is acting out and he gets in trouble, I can see the pain in his eyes. He really doesn't understand why his mom suddenly doesn't have the time for him any more. And it's not that I don't have time, it's just that I am always holding Brooklyn and when I'm not holding her, Bentley wants someone else's attention--almost like he's punishing me. All he really wants is his mom back. I hope this transition doesn't last a long time. I hate that my little buddy misses me when I'm standing right in front of him.
Bentley has discovered closets and doors. He likes to hide in them and wait for you to look for him so he can say "Aboo!", he likes to chase mom and dad around the house and laughs when we jump out at him. Jacob has taught him how to laugh maniacally and it is so stinkin' cute.
Jacob is back at school researching. He is so amazing. I know it must be hard to leave every day, but the faith that he has that the Lord will care for his family strengthens me. That's the only way I ever leave the house, knowing that God will take care of our family.
Jake has been getting up early to exercise and eating healthier, trying to get in shape. Consider me impressed. We both have our target weights we would like to get down to and I can't wait until I can jog/run/walk again. I'm getting antsy just sitting around the house while Jake is going on walks with Bentley. I have been so grateful for my husband through all that is going on. This past year really has driven home the notion of "cleaving" unto your spouse. I have friends and family members who support me and who love me but at the end of the day I can turn to my spouse and find the comfort that no one else on earth can give me. Marriage truly is a God-given institution.
With Father's day around the corner I just want to take a second to say how grateful I am for Fathers. I am grateful for my Dad. I am grateful for the righteous example that he set for me, for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to exercise it in my home as I was growing up. He was there in moments when I needed him and he helped me find my way. I love him.
I am so thankful for the man who raised my husband. He is such a good example to Jake and also to myself and he inspires us to be better. I know that the man is not without the woman, neither the woman without the man, especially when it comes to child-rearing but I am forever grateful for the righteous example he gives to us.
And I am so thankful for my husband. Jacob is such a good father, he loves his children to the point of boasting ;). He cares for them and plays with them and kisses them good night every single night. He is a good man and brings a beautiful spirit into our home whenever he is here. I know Bentley loves his dad and he is SO HAPPY when his dad comes home from school. I love that Jacob never loses his temper with Bentley and he takes him to get the mail every day. They are well on their way to being buddies. I love that he is so patient with me and he cares for me and I have no doubt that he loves me.
And last, but certainly not least I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who is mindful of my family. He has such an all encompassing eternal plan of happiness. It is perfection. Every institution that He gives us brings joy into our home. I am so grateful for His invention of the Family. I am so thankful He allows us to have children and to learn from them. I am so thankful for his sacrifice. I am so thankful for His son.
I will post a video of Bentley, but I just wanted to say, Thanks for all your support everyone and for your prayers. Our family has been so blessed because you have taken time out of your life to pray on our behalf. Thank you for your selfless service and your love.
I love you.
On behalf of my family,
Happy Father's Day.
Courtney, Jacob, Bentley & Brooklyn
No comments:
Post a Comment