It truly has been such a blessing to have so many hands, it really is true that many hands make light work. I have help keeping my house clean, help chasing Bentley down and help holding my little one so I can catch up on much needed sleep.
Bentley has certainly felt the shift. He has gone from cute and adorable to jealous and cranky! The first day we had her home Bentley sat in his highchair, grabbed hold of his own hair and pulled it until his face showed pain. ha ha ha. It was actually rather funny--until he pulled MY hair and then it wasn't funny any more. He watched her warily for awhile, now he kind of ignores her. Sometimes he will come over and say "Baby!" other times he will wave and say, "Hi,". Personally, I really like it when he says, "Sister!"
It's been really nice though, in the mornings when Machiel is watching Brooklyn so I can sleep, Brian will take Bentley for a walk in the jogging stroller that Grandma Machiel bought. Bentley loves it. I am sure he is so tired of being in this house all the time. Another new development in this house is Bentley's sudden love of technology. He is ADDICTED to Grandma's Ipad. ADDICTED! He throws fits when he can't play with it. FITS! My child? What happened to my sweet, loving child? Tell me Terrible Twos are not around the corner. I just don't know if I can take it!! Oh well, I love him no matter what, even when he is kicking me and screaming and saying "Down!" I am sure that one day he will want to cuddle me again, even if it is when he is sick.
Brooklyn herself is such a little miracle. Ever since we brought her home she has continued to thrive. The first day when we were figuring things out she would get upset and start turning purple. I don't know what else to do but to keep her fed and happy so that she doesn't get upset like that. Her little heart can only take so much and I want to keep her around as long as I possibly can. Maybe that's selfish of me, to keep her from her eternal blessings, but she is my child and I will do everything I can for her.
Brooklyn is being fed through an NG tube, which means that a tube runs up into her nose and down her throat into her stomach. We feed her 20-30 ml of breast milk every hour and a half to two hours. At first we started with 5 ml and every other feeding we added 1 ml. Now that we are up a little more she is sleeping a little longer at night, which is really nice for me because I am a tired post-pregnant woman.
It truly is a miracle. Who would have thought that Brooklyn would do so well? When she was born I was ready for her to die. The door between life and death was wide open and I was ready to hand her back to the Father. I cherish every moment of her life. I love her little breaths, I love her tiny cry. I look into her dark grey eyes and sometimes through the newborn fog I can see her looking at me. I wonder how much pure knowledge she has in that tiny body of hers. I wonder what she can remember of Heaven. I wonder if she knows how long she will be with me on earth. The Perinatologist doctor thinks it will be a couple of weeks. I am praying for a few months. I would love a year. I would love ten years.
I know that this wish is selfish. There are so many mothers who have given their children back before they have drawn their first breath, many who have gone through the loss without having any time at all. I am so grateful for this answer to my prayers. For the answer to so many prayers of those who have been praying for my little family. I am grateful for any moment of borrowed time that I have been allowed. I will keep taking pictures and videos and enjoying my little family. My growing family. It's such an amazing miracle that I have two babies instead of just one! It is no longer the three amigos but the four compadres! Jacob, Bentley, Courtney and Brooklyn. We have our handsome pale boys with blue eyes and our brown eyed girls.
The best part is no matter what happens I will get to keep my family for eternity. It is this truth that keeps me sane, that pulls my frayed nerves together and allows me to keep moving forward. Life has stopped for this last week but it must continue. Jacob is going back to school. Brian and Sara will have to leave on friday. Mom went back to work. Machiel and I are the only ones who will be able to continue living in the twilight zone. We will learn to live with oxygen tanks and cords running through the house, we will figure out how to keep feeding her ever growing body and life will continue, not as normal, because life will never be the same. Brooklyn has changed our life forever in so many great ways. And on the days when my fear threatens to be bigger than my faith I kneel in prayer and the Lord makes it bearable.
I believe that we were all put on this earth as a test, to prove that through all things in life that we would be true to Heavenly Father. He has restored his church on this earth so that we can know and understand His laws and return to him through obedience. I know that through our lives we will be asked to do hard things. We can do hard things. If there is nothing else that I have learned through the last four months it is this. No matter what happens everything will be okay as long as we put the Lord first. He will make everything work out for our good. We don't receive everything that we ask for in this life, not every blessing will be given to every person on this earth. But I believe that God, in His mercy, blesses us with exactly what we need--and sometimes things that we want. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with this time with Brooklyn. I am so grateful He has so many servants on this earth who are blessing our lives through their kind condolences and their quiet service. We have had meals brought, flowers sent, kind words of love and support and beautiful gifts given to my little Brooklyn. I couldn't ask for more evidence of Heavenly Father's love. And every day I ask for it I feel His loving arms around me. I feel the comfort of the Savior as a healing balm for the injury only He knows.
Thank you for all your support.
Courtney, Jacob, Bentley and our sweet baby Brooklyn.
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