Death, Life and Brooklyn

I have been reflecting today about many things that I wanted to share with you today. Sorry there are no pictures, I'm writing this late at night and my laptop doesn't have a sim-card slot. First things first, though, I need to address the number of people who have been expressing their heartfelt condolences and feelings about the subjects I have been writing. I just wanted to say, "Thank You." I don't really know what to say when I receive an email or a letter or even a text about my experience or someone else's. I kind of feel like what needs to be said already has, but it's always nice to know that your words have been heard by the one you are sharing them with. So, Thanks.

Today as I was reflecting on 'loss', I recalled a boy from my childhood. Granted, it was only 9 years ago. A friend of mine had their father suddenly pass away. It was a freak accident, really. It just happened to be his time. He is survived by his wife and several children. Six, to be exact. At this point in my inexperienced life I hadn't the foggiest idea how this event might effect my friend. I was sad for him, we all were.  I didn't expect it to change our relationship or my life or even his life for that matter. I was in a play and it was very important to me and he was my crush and life would continue as normal. It didn't though.

Everything changed after his father was buried. He withdrew from all of his ward friends. He joined the kids at school who used to torment me and he ignored me altogether. Shortly afterward we got into a fight and exchanged words that I am so ashamed even left my mouth. Looking back, I don't blame him for the way he fled. I'm sure he felt uncomfortable around 14 year old kids who didn't know how to act or what to say. He found new friends who probably didn't ask him too many questions or gave him weird looks. There were no expectations. He could reinvent himself. And I'm sure there were no memories attached.

My heart aches when I think about this experience. I only wish that I had enough common sense back then to take it all back. I wish that I could have done it all over again with what I know now. I wish that I could have been a pillar of strength, like I always used to think I was. One can never know how deeply affected a person can be. Or how the effect will change their lives forever. I know that I have already apologized once. I wish he knew how many prayers have been offered on his behalf on my side. And how often I have begged for his forgiveness and the Father's.

I also spent a great deal of time thinking about the boys who used to torment me. What was their problem? I don't understand how teasing a 13 year old girl to tears could be so entertaining. Sometimes I wonder if I really was just that strange...or if, perhaps they were being protective of my friend. I moved a year later, but I have seen them since all of that happened and they seem to still hold feelings of distaste for me. So strange. Makes me wonder what in their life is so messed up that they need to act that way. I guess I'll never know.

I had a discussion with a new mother today. I went over to hold her baby, but I ended up not asking to hold her daughter. There was no reason, really. When I got there I took one look at the baby girl and I just felt so...detached. I don't know if people know this about me, ha ha, and it's not something to brag about, but I don't really love holding other people's children. Don't get me wrong. I love newborns and I love babies and I love mommies. There's just nothing like holding your own flesh and blood in your arms. And this baby looks nothing like me. She's caucasian but a mix of Swedish and Tongan and the parents are mixes of other ethnicities. A beautiful child, but I felt no connection. No need to hold her. Anyway...I just wanted to clarify.

We talked about Brooklyn and what was going on with her. In our conversation I grew a little disturbed. The mom has her opinions--which she is certainly entitled to. She made the comment that in my situation she would be bitter. Which, I suppose is not that absurd. People can be bitter over loss, it happens. Granted, I still have Brooklyn at this point, but it feels like she is already gone some days. What bothered me was the way she said it, as if, were I bitter it would be perfectly fine.

She also stated, after I explained that Doctors have discussed our 'options'
(when I say options, I mean to say that the Doctor would induce me today, if I asked him.) with us and I have decided to continue the pregnancy until Brooklyn is carried at full term. For better or for worse. She stated that she would have already been induced. Again, in such a manner that I felt like I was being given permission to do so.

I'm sure she didn't intend to make me feel so. She meant everything well, I'm sure, but I couldn't help but feel the way I did.

I am disturbed because of the negative undertones of the discussion. I don't feel like I can be bitter. Sad, yes. Helpless maybe... but I don't believe anyone is entitled to be bitter. With the knowledge that we have that families can be together forever, or knowing that God has given us everything or hang all that and just knowing that God sent us down here for a purpose and that our children are not ours (as I have previously stated) how can we ever be anything but grateful? Do we FEEL bitter some times? Absolutely! We wouldn't be human otherwise! Are we entitled to be so? We may think that we are. We shouldn't be, though. And some days it is a fight to change my attitude. It's a shame that when I have bad days I immediately become selfish and think only of myself. Misery indeed loves company.

The other reason I was disturbed is because I most certainly am pro life. Now, I would never dream of judging a woman who did decide to deliver at 28 weeks. I understand that many children in Brooklyn's condition don't make it through the third trimester. I am aware that by having a baby early your chances of holding the child while she is still breathing go up. However, if God wanted Brooklyn to come early, he would make it happen. If God wants to take her home before she breathes her first breath then He has every right to. I, however, believe that if God wanted to heal her he would expect me to do my part. I want to give Brooklyn the very best chance that she can have. If, by chance, she doesn't have Trisomy 18 then they could still save her. If she does, then at least I will get to hold her. Alive or not. And I will get to enjoy my pregnancy a little longer. Other children can wait. Weight-loss can wait.

I have faith in God. And for some people, they might find a different option or choice for their particular circumstance. But as for me and my family, this is the right decision. God will provide. He has and he will continue. I thank Him every day for Brooklyn and for Bentley. I only get this time once and I will enjoy it as much as I can.

For all of you with a difficult decision or who have other voices whispering at their ear. God will provide for you. Fall back on what you have learned as a child or what you have learned as you have embraced the gospel. "And the Lord thy God shall lead you. Shall lead you by the hand and give thee answers to thy prayers."

I know this to be true. I have prayed about it. Have peace. Be still and know that He is God.

In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.