Brooklyn Olivia Williams

As you know, by now, the contractions that I felt yesterday morning (was it just yesterday?) were no false alarm. Around 1ish I started to freak out and I woke Jacob and Machiel, resident mom-in-law, neither of which were helpful in discerning whether my contractions were intense enough to warrant a drive to the hospital but after a few really painful, extremely intense contractions I said we would go and punch the staff in the face if they sent us home. I really, really, REALLY wanted that epidural.
Jake and I grabbed the hospital bag that I had put together the week before and we drove to the hospital- with me moaning and wailing in the passenger's seat. We got to Timpanogos Regional Hospital and I had to walk to Labor and Delivery (ha ha. For real? I had called them on the way over so I was surprised they didn't have a wheelchair or something) but I had to stop on the curb, by the front desk, just before we got into the room and then brace myself on the bed--and yes, ladies, that is a good reason to go into the hospital for labor. In case you were wondering.
At about 215 they checked me and my cervix was at a 5. They quickly got an IV in my arm, above my right wrist and called for an epidural. About 3 they put in my epidural and then my catheter and I was at a 7. We were calling people frantically to get a babysitter for Bentely so Machiel could join the birthing party-who at this point in time consisted of my mom, my dad, my husband and I. At about 330 ish the doctor broke my water and we waited for Machiel to get there and then at 355 we started pushing. 5 minutes later Brooklyn Olivia Williams was born.
:D Welcome to the world my little Brooklyn Olivia.

When Brooklyn was born she had a very weak cry, mucus was in her throat (just a little) and she was blue/purple. She literally looked like a smurf. The doctor handed her to me as soon as Jacob cut the cord and I just sat there holding my little 4.3 lb miracle. We asked Dad and Jake to give her a name and a blessing and they performed the priesthood blessing. The direction and blessing from the Lord was too sacred to share here on this blog but it was perfect and the feeling of peace I felt was overwhelming. I just knew everything would work out.
So, holding my naked, vernix covered child who was struggling to breathe, grasping for life, I pulled off the font of my gown and held her to my chest. They gave me a warm blanket to cover her with and I hummed to Brooklyn her very first lullaby. A silent prayer that whatever the Lord decided to do with the life of His daughter, that we would have the faith to accept it. Every eye in the room was filled with tears. The nurse was hugging my mom as I finished humming "I am a child of God".

We were basically left alone at this point, with my nurse hovering, to enjoy the last few minutes of Brooklyn's life unhindered by others. After a few minutes though her color began to change and it became apparent that Brooklyn's will was stronger than her condition. I thank God for the priesthood blessing that she received and for the mercy of God to allow us to have even those first sacred moments with her. We have been fighting for a little over 25 hours now, battling with her heart. She has been such a trooper! The hospital staff has far exceeded our expectations and made our birthing experience so wonderful. I am so grateful for all of the staff and their encouragement and their love and support. I couldn't have done this without them either. Within 15 hours of arriving at the hospital we were sent home with home health and we are enjoying our bundle of joy.

Contractions

Okay guys, I know I said that I wanted to go naturally into child birth for once, get an epidural after the fact? I lied. I thought I wanted to, but I lied.
It's 12:51 and I am having contractions.We went to bed at 10:30. I got up and took a bath at 11:00. Contractions seemed to have stopped by 11:15 when I fell asleep, but now the contractions are back. I am just about to start timing them. I will be turning on a movie or something to keep me busy momentarily, but for now I am sitting in the bathroom writing this, because any time I lay down the contractions come with a vengeance. Man, I wish I had a recliner right now. Might make this night bearable. Ah, here goes another one. umm... I'mma start timing these contractions.


Courtney

5 days 23 hours and 53 minutes

EIGHT DAYS - 194 hours and 4 minutes

    Last night girls from the Activity Days (an activity/lesson group from our church) came by to bring me flowers. They are so sweet. On the card it clearly says that I am allowed to lie in bed and eat snacks. I don't know how much the girls know, but one of them asked me what a contraction was. I thought for a second and then I explained to the girls that a contraction happens when the muscles of the uterus tighten and try to push the baby out. The girls gave me a look of disgust and one of them even said, "Eww!" ha ha ha. If only they knew everything else related to pregnancy. The other Activity Day leader (I am in charge of Activity Days with another woman) said, from inside her car, "That's how everyone feels about contractions," 

   We really have been spoiled by the generosity and kindness of the people in our church and our family members. For many people when adversity occurs, especially in a public way like the passing of a family member or a critical illness people find out after the fact but for us we have known in advance, people have brought us dinners and sent us cards and given us flowers and I cannot count how many people asked if they can do anything for us. Strangers and families alike have given priceless gifts to our little Brooklyn and she hasn't even been born yet. I know that the most difficult days may be ahead of us but we are looking forward with hope. We know that we are not alone on earth or in the extended spheres. God is aware of our family and it has been apparent by the comfort that we have received on many fronts. 

Eight more days, little Brooklyn. God keep you safe, my angel.

On the other side of things, Bentley is having a blast with his Grandma here. It's been nice because I literally don't do anything these days. Still trying to make sure I make it to the induction date! Although, thankfully, since that night of contractions I have been drinking more water and the braxton hicks are markedly less intense--and less frequent.

Bentley is enjoying all the attention and the extra love. He is getting sharper and sharper too. In a matter of days he has mastered the Ipad with the 5 little monkey's app, understands how to "find the star" and change the rhyming animal pages. His words are getting better and every day he reads scriptures with me. He loves it. Lately he is full of laughs too. All you have to do is laugh in his direction and he will start laughing--just to be cute. and it is cute. I can't believe how fast he is growing up.

Anyway, here are some pictures. :D Enjoy.

NINE DAYS

We have NINE days or 219 hours and 34 minutes from the moment I am writing this sentence until it is time to be induced. I imagine that Brooklyn is just as anxious to come down and receive a body as we are for her to come safely. We just have to make it that much further so that everyone can be here when she is born. Thankfully she gives no indication that she is coming sooner, the braxton hicks have stopped, now there is only pressure and, well, I'll spare those who are queasy from reading the gross side of pregnancy. Needless to say it's not really comfortable or pretty, but I'm not being required to do anything strenuous, or even tedious--unless you count waiting, which I do. I don't even do the dishes. I just make a mess in the kitchen and it gets cleaned up behind me (:D thanks to my angel mother-in-law). It's been a nice, relaxing couple of days. I even read a full book! We don't want to take any chances that I am going to overdo it and go into labor.
Bentley is oblivious, as always. It makes me frown when I think that I will have to be away from him for even a day. He is so dependent on his mom. He likes to wake up and see me and go to sleep seeing me and play with me and read with me--but I have full confidence in his caretakers so that comforts me.
Last night I started packing a bag for the hospital. You know, clothes, underwear, socks, etc... It was then that I ran into my first dilemma. I want to take too many blankets! I have all these gorgeous blankets to wrap Brooklyn in and they just take up too much room! Jake laughed at me, he told me just to bring them all! "Leave them in the car" he says. I know he's right, it's not really the most important thing in the world but I just want everything to be perfect. I don't want to forget something or make someone run out to the car or anything. I will just have to pack the whole house.

11 Days

I feel like life is an endless current of moments, like watching a movie in fast forward and only parts of the movie are played in real time or even slow motion. When I have obligations or work or school time seems to slowly plod along, but here at home I lose track of days.

Grandma Machiel is here now, we have been partying every night. Okay, not true, but Jacob and I have been busier than ever in the evenings. I don't know why, I guess we are trying to party it up while she's here and get out of the house a little. With little more than 11 days until Brooklyn is born we are all preparing for some kind of shift in our life. 

Two days ago Brooklyn gave us quite a scare. I thought to walk to Walmart, I really wanted a redbox. I didn't want to drive because that would defeat the purpose of getting a cheap movie. Since, you know, Walmart is a total of two minutes from my house by car. *please feel free to roll your eyes* Anyway, I walked to walmart and began to feel rather uncomfortable, just sick and queasy and lots of pressure. Jake picked me up and then we went home. And no, I didn't walk by myself, Machiel and Bentley were with me. During dinner 15 minutes later I was hit by a force I liken to a baseball bat to the abdomen. I jumped up, breathing to get through the contractions. I showered, I bathed, I lay down, I drank water I tried to relax and nothing was working. Contractions every 4 minutes continuing for 3 hours. Eventually as we watched my hard-won movie I finally was able to relax and after a priesthood blessing of peace, among other things, the contractions slowed and eventually stopped.

Funny, how easy it is to get scared and to become frustrated or sad or angry. I just have to remind myself that everything is going to work out. Or, I guess, The Father has to remind me that everything will work out. And everything will. Whether she comes today or tomorrow or on the 2nd (though, I would much prefer the 2nd if I have my way) it will be okay. God is aware of my little Brooklyn. And that thought gives me peace. She deserves his love more than I do, she is perfect, not yet tainted by the evils of this world. :) and He will not let her suffer more than is needful.

Anyway, thank you everyone for your support and for your prayers. It means everything to me.

Have faith. Believe in Christ. Believe in the God who gave you life and hold fast to the Iron Rod. It will show you which way you should go.

Courtney

16 Days and Counting

Sorry I haven't posted anything, I DID start a post a few days ago but I got distracted and had to come back to it. I will not be posting it now. I can't believe that there are only 16 days left (after today) It really is happening now. I can feel that Brooklyn is dropping, I am almost 100% sure that she has dropped and is preparing to come into the world. This week she's been very active, sticking her feet out, sticking her elbow out or her knee and she's so small that when I push on her she just turns her whole body or disappears completely, bobbing to the bottom of my uterus and bouncing right back up to hit my hand. It makes me laugh. It also makes me grateful. 

Throughout this pregnancy, especially the last couple of months Brooklyn has really manifested her personality. She is a calm, quiet child, much like Bentley was in the womb, but she is very aware of her mother. Whenever I begin to worry that she may have already returned to her maker she gets the hiccups or she starts to move and I feel at ease. When we talk about her or when we are in church--or at the holy Temple of God she will say hi and communicate with me. In those sacred moments I feel very close to her.

Today I am grateful for Brooklyn. She has brought so many things to our family, love, joy, heartache, sadness, pain, rejoicing, eternity, the spirit. She is simply too good for this world. 

I had a sacred experience with a family member that I will not share here, but I will share my insights from that experience. When we talk of perfection we often speak of things that are flawless and beautiful, things as we believe that they should be--whole. I realized in a moment of stillness, a moment of listening, that while this may be true as well, some things are meant to be "imperfect" by those standards. Some things are unique. 

Brooklyn's body is imperfect and broken in many ways but because of her "imperfections" she is perfect and beautiful to me. Her body wasn't formed this way by accident, it was formed this way by a loving Heavenly Father who understands the plans for her. He has a different plan, a different vision for her. A different kind of perfection. And who are we to balk?

I'll admit, the prospect of losing a child is still a very melancholy thought. It's bittersweet to think about something so beautiful "going the way of all the earth". Even harder when I think that she might suffer and that I will not be able to do anything about it. I don't expect everyone to understand, I don't know that anyone else can understand exactly how I feel... But I have faith that it will all work out. 16 days (17, counting today) and then Brooklyn will be here. I pray that we might have some time with her. I pray that it isn't selfish to ask to keep someone so perfect upon the earth for a few brief moments in time. If it is, though, then I pray  that I will see her again soon. And that her life, or death, will influence our lives for the better as her life already has. 

:D Happy Birthday to my Mother In Law (yesterday) and sweet Taylia, my niece (today) and to everyone else out there who have birthdays around this time. 

Here's to preparing for Brooklyn's Birthday,

Courtney

March 7th-26 Days

This beautiful work of art is called "In His constant care" I saw it at Costco today and I found myself speechless. At first my heart was broken because the piece was very expensive. I inquired at the name of the painting and the representative showed me where some smaller versions of the print could be found. I knew it would be coming home with me.

This painting speaks to me--for obvious reasons, I would think. It is such a contrast to my visit to the OBGYN today. It's amazing to me that Brooklyn has been labeled a "Trisomy 18 baby". I think my OB referred to Brooklyn by that label at least 3 times. Twice to the PA student and once to the hospital staff as he was scheduling my induction. And every time he did this he gave me a 'reassuring smile and a couple winks. "Courtney's baby is a Trisomy 18 baby," he would say, "We don't expect her to do very well," And he went on to discuss an earlier induction and complications that don't concern him like being born breach and other things that he's not worried about because "she's a Trisomy 18 baby". And I apologize if this next sentence seems insensitive but you wouldn't write off a person for being diagnosed with terminal cancer. You and your family would most likely pursue some kind of treatment. I don't see how Brooklyn's situation is any different. She has a dire diagnosis but as far as I'm concerned she deserves a fighting chance. You can never predict what will happen everything is in the Lord's hands. And yes she does have trisomy 18 and her heart is defective and no one expects her to live very long---but I will not stand by and do absolutely nothing. I will do my best to get that little girl here safe and sound and care for her as long as her short life will allow.

It's appalling to me the things my Doctors say to me. If Brooklyn didn't have a terminal diagnosis the doctors wouldn't DARE say half of the things that they think they say to me. I know that it's a difficult situation for doctors to be in, how sensitive and how honest should you be? But really. Try to be a little more sensitive when you are talking about someone's loved one. It's not a baby. It's MY baby. SHE is my little girl. Her name is Brooklyn. And her birthday is tentatively June 2nd 2013. I just wish that they would realize that.

Two more visits and an induction and then I am never going back to this OB as long as I live.

Anyway. Enjoy the picture. I really will upload pictures or videos or both of Bentley next time. Cross my heart.

 Hug your kids and hug your spouse--and everyone else you love

Courtney

The Final Sonogram

Today Jacob and I drove down to the hospital for Brooklyn's ultrasound for the last time. It was a routine visit, we didn't even get to see our regular peri-natologist. Some other doctor came in and looked at our sweet Brooklyn, he told me everything looked normal and to be expected with her diagnosis. I explained that we were inducing in a month and he let me know that this would probably be our last ultrasound. There was an edge of finality about the whole visit. Every month I've been able to look forward to seeing Brooklyn again. Now we have five weeks and then she will be here. All the waiting will be over. 

Everything is the same, it appears. Brooklyn's diagnosis still stands. Her cute little hands are balled and her heart is irregular. Although, according to the ultrasound machine she's measuring 3 weeks smaller now, instead of 2. Dr. Spencer guessed that she would be between 4 and 5 lbs, closer to 4 probably. The biggest consolation to me was that this time she was head down. I can't tell you how much I don't want to deliver her breach. The doctor already told me that he would be comfortable with delivering her breach--because of her diagnosis. This frustrates me because, once again, they act as though she has already died and nothing else can be done to further her life. Argh! I know they're trying to be as accommodating as possible and be as straightforward as they can but sometimes I just want to tell them to keep it to themselves. "Talk to your husband" they say, "tell us what you are most comfortable with" le sigh. Doctors who mean well...

Anyway. I started working on Brooklyn's burial gown. The fabric is lovely. It's satin and white with lace and little pearls along the lace. I've only cut out the pieces but hopefully it will turn out well. If not, I have extra fabric and I'll do it again. The dress is only nine inches tall. 

On that note...

Bentley is a hoot. And he drives me silly sometimes. Today he dropped a glass measuring bowl on his foot. It's an Anchor brand (and those are not small) and then he knocked over the large clock that normally sits on my mantel--and shattered it. He tossed a friend's fridge magnet and busted it into pieces. And the cute little boy just smiles like nothing is wrong. He's adopted new phrases, "Oh no!" and "Knock knock!" and today he stood and looked headlong at me, put his hands to his chest and said, "Mine!" I don't know where he learned that word. I really don't. I try to say "that's mommy's" or "you can't play with daddy's phone" or whatever. I laughed out loud when he said that. He's teething still so he's crankier than normal but every now and again I get to see my cute little happy boy. He loves going outside but always tells me that he wants to go inside--he prefers baths to showers and likes to say "bye bye" after people close my door. He's growing up too fast. Make it stop!

I'm so tired.

Courtney