I guess I'm not really sure how I feel.
People inquire after my mental/ emotional state all the time and I just say, "I'm well," or "I'm doing great,". Thing is, I've known that I would lose my child since February 7th. It's been 4 months of endless mourning and worrying. Now, after all this time I have finally lay her to rest. I don't know that I would say that I "lost" her because I will get her back... It's almost like she never happened. After months of waiting and fearing and hoping and crying all of the sudden it's over.
How can life just...resume... like that? One day it's me and Bentley paling around and then my life is consumed with the life of my other child and then...POOF! It's just me and Bentley again, all day every day. We play blocks and we read books and now that he is old enough I get to take him outside to play.
But then I sit down and I take out her pictures and I remember how her head fit in my hand, or how I used to gently run my fingers over her head and touch the nape of her neck or how her hands were clenched and I would open them each day just to help the muscles stretch. I try to remember her little cry and if I concentrate I can hear it in my mind. That's when I become sad. I look at Bentley, bored beyond belief and remember that I tried to give him someone to play with...
It's only been a week. Seriously? Has it only been a week? I feel like I've been dealing with these emotions for years. I feel tired again.

How does a person feel after such an experience? I truly feel at a loss for how I feel. Should I be angry? Should I be weeping? Should I be out going to movies and the zoo and parties? Should I be carrying on as normal? What is normal anymore? I had a child. I had two children and life changed forever. Just because the oxygen cord doesn't run through my house anymore...do I just pretend it was never there? Which stage of grief am I in? Does anyone have the answers to my questions?
It's as if someone came along and just pulled a chapter out of my life and I'm just kind of...rifling through the pages trying to figure out where those lost characters went. How can I go from being pregnant to suddenly not. Other than my swollen chest and my extra weight I don't feel like I ever was pregnant.

And then I want to talk to someone. I want to ask them how I should feel. I want to know what I'm supposed to do with all the memories that I have of Brooklyn. When I go to speak to someone I just freeze. I don't really want to talk to them. I don't want to share my feeling with them. They don't understand. They don't understand that all I want to talk about is how Brooklyn was so cute and how she used to get hiccups all the time and how it made her so angry! And how her face turned purple every time she had a bowel movement and it was so adorable. I want to talk about how sweet she was and how she slept all the time and she looked like a little frog when she was in her diaper. How I was so worried for her I couldn't sleep at night and so I always slept with my hand under her back so she would wake me up when she was hungry. How sweet it was when she would suck on her bottle and how it tired her out. And how my heart ached for her poor broken body. She was running a marathon every day but she chose to come to earth and to put on that body so that I could meet her.

I don't want to be sad. I am so blessed. I have a beautiful family who I love. I have a wonderful, supportive husband. I have a handsome son and a beautiful daughter and Brooklyn wouldn't want me to be sad. She is a busy woman up in heaven and far too much to do than babysit her crying mother. That being said, I know that there is a place for sadness and I cannot be strong all the time.

I just don't want to forget. If I forget most of my life I don't ever want to forget Brooklyn. I don't want to forget the little details. I want to remember everything. It makes me so sad that so few people knew her like we do and that in a year or so people will forget. It will be like she really was never there. And that breaks my heart. And how do I comfort those that I love? I know it's not enough to not cry in front of them. They know I cry anyway.

Wish life came with a manual. :)

Today Bentley did the cutest thing. I was reading a book on grief, trying to get to a part I found relate-able. I was feeling sad when quite suddenly Bentley stopped playing, walked over to me and gave me a big hug. I thank Heaven for my little boy every day. What a blessing. What a gift.

I'm very blessed. I just have to remember that. I am so very blessed. And Brooklyn isn't really as far away as she seems. And I know I won't really forget her.


-Courtney