Still

Yesterday I went to the cemetery to see if the monument company had placed Brooklyn's headstone. I was reminded of when Brooklyn died. In fact, every time I drive by the mortuary I am reminded of this. The movies always make death very dramatic. The music and the crying and the heartbreak. After we discovered Brooklyn had died we were with her body for several hours. At first it was just shock. We sat there together. The house was very still. As if one less spirit in the house decreased all sounds by half. The world didn't stop. There was no dramatic music, just an acute awareness of how still my child really was. After awhile It began to hit me that she was gone. I removed all of the stickers and the oxygen from her face and I dressed her for burial. I realized that I would have to let the funeral home take her body away.

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't watch. It was too much for me. Everyone else watched though--and in the end I watched the van drive away with my daughter's body.

Shortly after I was in the funeral home. I was surprised at how peaceful it was. So quiet. So calm. For a place that sees so much death it was just...not what I expected. The funeral director was very kind and understanding. He helped us pick out a casket and explained to us that the headstone would not be ready for burial, it would be put in months later. And I don't know what I was expecting at the grave-side services but it was so strange to be sitting in the chairs before my daughter's casket as we sang and spoke of Christ and of being reunited and having faith in God's plan. Weird because everyone wants to comfort you and no one knows how so you end up sitting there, smiling for all those watching--at least, I did. I wasn't sad that day, because Brooklyn was with me. I could feel her. Sometimes I still can.

I didn't get to know Brooklyn as long as some who lose a loved one. Perhaps that's why my whole world didn't come crashing down during those days. I know she's in a better  place and she is free from her prison-body. Sometimes I miss her though, very intensely. One blessing I have been grateful for is the lack of jealousy or envy of other women's babies.

I have noticed an increase in my desire for more children. I'm afraid I will have to wait until after I go back to the doctor for an ultrasound of my chest. I am positive nothing is wrong, but I would hate to get pregnant and then discover that I have a serious problem.

My heart aches, just a little when I think of my sweet little Brooklyn.

My son and I are back to life as normal. He is just...growing up so fast. I don't mourn my daughter every day...just...some days. Most of the time I am too busy learning my son's personality to worry about anything else.


I guess i didn't really say anything...just...expressing some feelings.

Here is a video of my little Brooklyn. If for no one else, then for me. I can't figure out how to put it on, but here is the link.

C


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBT6DeY94uM

Growing, Growing, Growing

This little boy turned 18 months this last week and over the past couple of days he has just...grown! He is so big now! He can say, "I love you,", "Ravioli" and now he does the actions to this song. I love him so much!!!

Grow baby, grow! Just not too fast. Mommy loves you being little.


Moi <3

Goodbye /Death and Cruelty

"Goodbye,"

Such a simple expression. The act of bidding someone a fond farewell, until we meet again. As Bentley and I watched Grandma leave today we were both feeling it, a visceral reaction to the word, "Goodbye". I'm sure Bentley was remembering another time he waved goodbye to a loved one. I get so worried with people coming and going that he might start to think that everyone is temporary. This time I was sure to explain that she would not come back for a long time. Of course, there is skype, but that really isn't a replacement for holding someone in your arms or talking with them face to face. Technology has its perks and it's detriments. 

Goodbye, Grandma! Can't wait to see you again.

And then there were two. With hubby off to work today it's Bentley and I. He's having some quiet time. I was hoping he would go to sleep, but it doesn't sound like it.

Perhaps Goodbyes, whether in life or in death are meant to cause such sadness, to inspire us to want to be good, to want to do right by those we love. To do whatever we can to see them again. Saying "Goodbye". It sounds so final. It's not though, is it? If a loved one lives far away, you can see them again some day. If a loved one dies, you will still see them again. It will be much longer and you will have to account for all the time between when you saw them last and when you see them again...but you will see them again. Death is not this scary monster that Hollywood makes it. While tragic, yes, death is peaceful. Death is freedom from pain and suffering, it is liberating to the sick and the lonely and the infirm. We are supposed to live and thrive and do our best, but, with all things that have their season, death is meant to happen to all.

Some live to be old, sharing their wisdom, learning new lessons. Some are young, perfect and sheltered from this cruel world. Someone said the other day that God is a cruel God...I reject this statement wholeheartedly. Would a cruel God give us a body? A body with which to run and to play, to eat and to sleep and to work and relax? Would he give us an experience on earth where we can feel so much sorrow, but at the same time so much joy and love and laughter? Would a cruel God give us endless chances to repent and to say we are sorry? Would a cruel God send His only son to bear excruciating agony, to be nailed to a cross and to die for us? Would  a cruel God provide for us? Create life in us? sustain our every breath? Create a world for our benefit and our enjoyment? Would a cruel God comfort us and love us? And hear our prayers?

The God that I have come to know and love is not cruel. My God is merciful. Of course there are bad things in this world. Of course difficult situations arise and loved ones die. But people have their free agency and God has many things to teach us. 

There is a song that I have come to love throughout my daughter's life and death. The words go like this:

How could the father tell the world of Love and Tenderness?

He sent his Son, a new born babe, with peace and holiness.

How could the father show the world the pathway we should go?

He sent his Son to walk with men on earth that we may know.

How could the father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?

He sent his Son to die for us, and rise with living breath.

And all he asks is that we keep His commandments. That we live like His Son. How do you explain to a fish what it is like to breathe air? It's not something you can explain. They don't know what lungs are, they don't know what oxygen is...God knew the perfect way to teach us was to show us, to demonstrate to us what His will for us was and then to command us to follow His Son so we can return to him. This year I asked God to teach me many things. In answer God blessed me with a daughter. I've come to learn that Angels are often disguised as daughters.

The Lord was with me every step of the way, like a loving parent, drying my tears, hushing my fears and cradling me in his love. He has provided help to pay for Brooklyn's funeral expenses, he has fed me through the generosity of strangers and friends and he has uplifted me through the power of the Atonement, through the power of His Son, Jesus Christ. 

I ask you, is God Cruel?

I guess that is a question you will have to ask yourself. I, for one, know that He is merciful. He is a just and merciful God. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. God knows all. His ways are higher than our ways. He knows us. He loves us. He has a plan for us. We just need to trust God. He will reunite us with our families one day. And one day, when His Son comes again every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess that He is our Lord and Redeemer. He is the Son of God and He has redeemed us from our sins. 

I hope to obtain those blessings one day. I hope to see Brooklyn again and to take her in my arms and to rejoice with her.

I love my Heavenly Father. I love His Son, Jesus Christ. And I know that His words are true and faithful.

And I know these things to be true because God answers prayers and He has reassured me time and time again.

I leave these thoughts with you in the name of Jesus Christ.

Bentley and Mommy

My feelings as of late have been...tender. Bentley is still teething (will it ever end?) and he is really cranky especially at night, which means that he cries longer than usual when I put him to sleep. I can't stand it. I know I should stay out of his room but then I remember that one never really knows how long their loved ones or oneself will be here upon this earth. Not in a morbid way, just, we shouldn't take our loved ones for granted. Anyway, lately I have been spending more time in Bentley's room rocking him to sleep. He's getting old enough that now he kicks and fights me sometimes, but when he becomes tired he relaxes and he just babbles to me.

Oh, how I love this time. Bentley doesn't cuddle very often and he doesn't get sick often, so my cuddle time has been cut down severely. Guess it has to happen. I wish it didn't though.

My progress with that book is going well, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel like I am already thinking more about others and less about myself. Between that book and scripture study I just feel more loving. It helps that I am thinking of others and not dwelling on the sad feelings that I have. I can feel them being shelved. It may seem like I am just suppressing my feelings but I remind you that I have been grieving since february. Now my thoughts begin to turn to having a baby again--but only some days. I want a new cuddle buddy, I want another little voice in our house, but at the same time, I think I can wait longer. I probably should wait, I should probably avoid doctors for the next little while. I don't want to have to go through the story a million times with a new OB. And yes, I will be going to a new clinic. Not that the clinic didn't do well, I Just didn't find that we were very compatible. 

I laugh sometimes...you don't have children because you want a cuddle buddy...I do want more children in my home, though. more work, yes, more money, of course, but what isn't? and I can't think of anything that brings more joy than my family. 

Anyway, enjoy your Sunday. :)

Catharsis--in which my heart bleeds, just a little.

It has been an interesting day today. I am currently working on a couple of things right at the moment. Well, one thing really but it's a rather multifaceted project. When it comes down to it what I am essentially trying to do is turn my frustration, grief and sadness into love, peace and service. I consider myself a kind and loving person but over the past couple of months I find that it is all too easy to love to hate people. I am easily upset and irritated, I always seem to put my feelings first and my desires above everyone else. It makes me so sad to see how selfish I have become. It doesn't help that everyone tells me to take this time and to be selfish. I don't want to be selfish. It only hurts those that I love. I have been reading a book about love and learning to serve those that you love, particularly your spouse and it says that the definition of selfishness is "to sacrifice others for your benefit" whereas love is to "deny yourself for others". It also says that someone who is easily irritated is a selfish person. Love "controls emotions, it does not let emotions control you". Some days I do really well, especially with my desire to be happy from now on. Some days I just feel such a profound sadness.

It makes me sad because when I feel my emotions rioting with irritation or anger or frustration I remember that I can't be mad, I can't harbor hurt or irritation because it isn't productive. I can't be angry, I just have to let perceived slights--or even intended slights--go. I just have to let it go, I don't have the defense of getting upset with them. So it hurts and I can't understand why, when I am trying so hard to happy and trying so hard to be nice and not get frustrated with other people that they seem to be more so toward me. It sounds like I am wallowing, and maybe I am. Does that break my resolution to be happy? ha ha. I'll try not to be. But just hear me out.

I haven't decided if the perceived slights are more common because I have been so cranky lately that people are on the defensive or if because I am trying so hard I am reading people wrong? I don't know. I don't know how well I am doing on this project either. I will start again tomorrow.

On the Brooklyn front, I found the blog of a very kind woman whom administered in my life like an angel (if I can say it like that) It is so interesting to hear an echo of my words. She mentioned some things that I have been struggling with lately, so if you will allow me to permit, here is a bit of my catharsis.

Today in church I sat behind a mother with a brand new six week old baby. It will be 8 weeks since Brooklyn passed away. She would be 10 weeks old this week. The baby was so cute! She didn't look a thing like my daughter but all of the sudden I just felt a very deep sadness, right where my heart should be. I tried so hard not to cry. I can't even explain why or how it made me sad. I just had this desire to hold the baby. To ask to hold the baby. But I knew that if I asked to hold her daughter that my heart would just break. I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions together and that would be so embarrassing when so many others are trying not to make it weird for me. And I know that it shouldn't be a big deal if I start crying--but to me it is a big deal. When I hurt, I really hurt. It is raw and painful and sad. It borders on despair. And no one knows what to say, no one knows how to make it feel better. When I feel such sadness I just want someone to hold me in their arms and I feel like that should make it all better but it doesn't. It just keeps hurting, so sharp and sad. The only relief I get from that sadness is to cry it out or to pray to my Heavenly Father. I need the balm of Gilead. I'm not trying to take away the opportunity to serve me or mourn with me...it just doesn't seem to help. People say things and the harder they try to fix it the sadder I become.

anyway... let's get back on track. So after sitting behind this adorable child for an extremely distracting hour the mom came up to me and talked to me about Tuesday (her grandmother had asked me to watch the baby and siblings while they attend a mormon temple nearby). I had already said yes. So when she asked me I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't know if I could do it. Just imagining holding that brand new baby brought me to tears. 

She went on to say that baby isn't very good with a bottle so it might be frustrating. She asked how many kids I had. I said, "I just have my one son right now," though I thought, I have two. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her about Brooklyn, what if she changed her mind? I have been hoping to hold someone's newborn baby for awhile now, if only to be that much closer to holding Brooklyn.

Then she tried to tell me how it might be really hard to take care of the baby. I wanted to tell her that the baby would be easy and I know how it is to take care of a newborn and since her baby had no complications it should be a piece of cake, but all I could say was, "We will be fine. I can always call some reinforcements." It was such one sided conversation. Everything I wanted to say was tucked away under my injured wing.

I am so excited to watch her baby. I will have four or five hours to watch the baby all by myself. I will have to watch other kids too...but just to hold a little baby without someone else hovering or being a mom, but to pretend just for a day...is both the saddest and most wonderful thing I could ever imagine doing right now.

I will admit I am more than a little baby hungry right now. It's so frustrating that even though I have the ability to get pregnant quickly, that perhaps I should wait until the medical bills are paid. Maybe I should wait until we save up a little more. Maybe I should take a break from the insensitivity of professionals and the doctor's visits and the endless questions. Maybe I should just wait. But I don't want to wait. I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant right now. It will take an entire year before our next one is born. 10 months is a very long time.... but then I have to worry about the hormones and the pregnancy fatigue and the anxiety and the other symptoms that come with pregnancy. Medical expenses, additional diapers, and so much more. With the last two babies we just decided to have them and we did. And it all worked out, and it will again, but I should think things through a little more. 

Okay, catharsis over. If you didn't read it, good for you! If you did, I'm sorry. Those are all such ugly and painful feelings.

Thank you for sticking with me. Tomorrow we start over with our multifaceted love/service project. It's like dieting. I have to allow myself to indulge a little bit and then I can be so so so so so so SO strict. I just need a little comfort food every now and again. Tomorrow is a new day.

Headstone proof should be approved this week. Headstone should be in the ground within the next two months. :) I'm excited.

Courtney