Catharsis--in which my heart bleeds, just a little.

It has been an interesting day today. I am currently working on a couple of things right at the moment. Well, one thing really but it's a rather multifaceted project. When it comes down to it what I am essentially trying to do is turn my frustration, grief and sadness into love, peace and service. I consider myself a kind and loving person but over the past couple of months I find that it is all too easy to love to hate people. I am easily upset and irritated, I always seem to put my feelings first and my desires above everyone else. It makes me so sad to see how selfish I have become. It doesn't help that everyone tells me to take this time and to be selfish. I don't want to be selfish. It only hurts those that I love. I have been reading a book about love and learning to serve those that you love, particularly your spouse and it says that the definition of selfishness is "to sacrifice others for your benefit" whereas love is to "deny yourself for others". It also says that someone who is easily irritated is a selfish person. Love "controls emotions, it does not let emotions control you". Some days I do really well, especially with my desire to be happy from now on. Some days I just feel such a profound sadness.

It makes me sad because when I feel my emotions rioting with irritation or anger or frustration I remember that I can't be mad, I can't harbor hurt or irritation because it isn't productive. I can't be angry, I just have to let perceived slights--or even intended slights--go. I just have to let it go, I don't have the defense of getting upset with them. So it hurts and I can't understand why, when I am trying so hard to happy and trying so hard to be nice and not get frustrated with other people that they seem to be more so toward me. It sounds like I am wallowing, and maybe I am. Does that break my resolution to be happy? ha ha. I'll try not to be. But just hear me out.

I haven't decided if the perceived slights are more common because I have been so cranky lately that people are on the defensive or if because I am trying so hard I am reading people wrong? I don't know. I don't know how well I am doing on this project either. I will start again tomorrow.

On the Brooklyn front, I found the blog of a very kind woman whom administered in my life like an angel (if I can say it like that) It is so interesting to hear an echo of my words. She mentioned some things that I have been struggling with lately, so if you will allow me to permit, here is a bit of my catharsis.

Today in church I sat behind a mother with a brand new six week old baby. It will be 8 weeks since Brooklyn passed away. She would be 10 weeks old this week. The baby was so cute! She didn't look a thing like my daughter but all of the sudden I just felt a very deep sadness, right where my heart should be. I tried so hard not to cry. I can't even explain why or how it made me sad. I just had this desire to hold the baby. To ask to hold the baby. But I knew that if I asked to hold her daughter that my heart would just break. I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions together and that would be so embarrassing when so many others are trying not to make it weird for me. And I know that it shouldn't be a big deal if I start crying--but to me it is a big deal. When I hurt, I really hurt. It is raw and painful and sad. It borders on despair. And no one knows what to say, no one knows how to make it feel better. When I feel such sadness I just want someone to hold me in their arms and I feel like that should make it all better but it doesn't. It just keeps hurting, so sharp and sad. The only relief I get from that sadness is to cry it out or to pray to my Heavenly Father. I need the balm of Gilead. I'm not trying to take away the opportunity to serve me or mourn with me...it just doesn't seem to help. People say things and the harder they try to fix it the sadder I become.

anyway... let's get back on track. So after sitting behind this adorable child for an extremely distracting hour the mom came up to me and talked to me about Tuesday (her grandmother had asked me to watch the baby and siblings while they attend a mormon temple nearby). I had already said yes. So when she asked me I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't know if I could do it. Just imagining holding that brand new baby brought me to tears. 

She went on to say that baby isn't very good with a bottle so it might be frustrating. She asked how many kids I had. I said, "I just have my one son right now," though I thought, I have two. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her about Brooklyn, what if she changed her mind? I have been hoping to hold someone's newborn baby for awhile now, if only to be that much closer to holding Brooklyn.

Then she tried to tell me how it might be really hard to take care of the baby. I wanted to tell her that the baby would be easy and I know how it is to take care of a newborn and since her baby had no complications it should be a piece of cake, but all I could say was, "We will be fine. I can always call some reinforcements." It was such one sided conversation. Everything I wanted to say was tucked away under my injured wing.

I am so excited to watch her baby. I will have four or five hours to watch the baby all by myself. I will have to watch other kids too...but just to hold a little baby without someone else hovering or being a mom, but to pretend just for a day...is both the saddest and most wonderful thing I could ever imagine doing right now.

I will admit I am more than a little baby hungry right now. It's so frustrating that even though I have the ability to get pregnant quickly, that perhaps I should wait until the medical bills are paid. Maybe I should wait until we save up a little more. Maybe I should take a break from the insensitivity of professionals and the doctor's visits and the endless questions. Maybe I should just wait. But I don't want to wait. I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant right now. It will take an entire year before our next one is born. 10 months is a very long time.... but then I have to worry about the hormones and the pregnancy fatigue and the anxiety and the other symptoms that come with pregnancy. Medical expenses, additional diapers, and so much more. With the last two babies we just decided to have them and we did. And it all worked out, and it will again, but I should think things through a little more. 

Okay, catharsis over. If you didn't read it, good for you! If you did, I'm sorry. Those are all such ugly and painful feelings.

Thank you for sticking with me. Tomorrow we start over with our multifaceted love/service project. It's like dieting. I have to allow myself to indulge a little bit and then I can be so so so so so so SO strict. I just need a little comfort food every now and again. Tomorrow is a new day.

Headstone proof should be approved this week. Headstone should be in the ground within the next two months. :) I'm excited.

Courtney