Happy

Turns out, nothing is wrong. Well, something is wrong, but nothing to worry about. Should take care of itself.

I have realized this week that I can choose my attitude. Well duh, everyone knows that...but when it's so easy to just be sad and everyone tells you that you should be...it's actually kind of an empowering idea. :) I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, beautiful daughter. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I have good health and a Father in Heaven who loves me. I get to be with my family forever!

Well, of course life has its difficulties and I will have ups and downs but today is the first day of my resolution to be happy. I choose happiness. Brooklyn will always be part of me. I will never forget her, but I can't hold onto these feelings that have been dragging me down since last February. I want to make an effort every day to make Brooklyn proud of me and to strengthen my family.

I choose happiness.

Rest

Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional break down. All the noise inside my head is so hard to ignore like the roaring of a crowd at a sporting event. Funny how something so loud can fade to the background. All of my thoughts have to compete with all this...noise. I feel like no matter where I go I imagine everyone is thinking about me, but trying to seem like they're not. If I leave early, it's fine, I'm just leaving because of my grief--you know, I just have the perfect excuse. I know, how egocentric of me to think that everyone else's world revolves around me. Pshht, mine does, I don't know what everyone else has a problem with... (ha ha)
I just get so worried, you know? I'm dealing with my own emotional baggage and the loss of my littlest one, but I am also worried about Bentley and the effects he is feeling, I am concerned for my husband--and more recently for Brooklyn's extended family. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm so tired of feeling exhausted. My body is rebelling, showing signs of stress and there are some days when I just want to...go to Lagoon! Go do something really fun! Feel overwhelmingly happy and just laugh. It's like a craving. I just can't function with all this misery. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier just to put all of Brooklyn's things in a box, put away her pictures and just not think anymore! But how in the world can I do that when she is my daughter?
It's so interesting how many people want to fix my emotions and my feelings by offering solutions. I just want to say, "Please, stop it!" I don't want to hear about therapists, I don't want a reminder of doctrine. I know all these things and it feels very thoughtless when everyone says it in the exact same manner, some times even the same words. And it's so difficult when people ask me how I am, because most people just ask because it is customary--and how am I supposed to answer that? I just say I'm fine. It's especially difficult when it becomes very personal, not customary. When I say "I'm fine" and they stop and look at me and say, "Are you really?" Almost as if at that moment I need to dig deep and assess how I really feel only to find that I am not doing that great.

With all of this stress my body is certainly feeling it and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I've been really nervous and scared. There, I said it. It's so easy to just keep on keep on as usual. I have to be strong, so let's be strong for one more thing. With Brooklyn's death so recent I just can't get it out of my mind that we are all mortal and we never know when our turn is up. I know it's crazy and irrational but I just...I thought that all my testing would be done for awhile. Ha ha. I thought maybe I could just rest. And maybe I will, maybe I'm just getting worked up for nothing. Really wouldn't be the first time. :) Maybe I should just pray and be thankful for the things I have instead of asking for more understanding and more faith. Ha.

I'm reminded of a scripture I just wanted to share with you.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest," Matthew 11:28

When I was in labor, bringing Brooklyn into the world my whole body was shaky and I felt uncomfortable. When contractions hit it was like my entire body was focused on my uterus which caused intense pain. My body labored and labored and hurt and pushed until Brooklyn was born. I am metaphorically still laboring. My spirit is working and fighting and learning and striving to be faithful. I am working hard to trust in the Lord.
Obviously this is a time for growth, and with all the noise and all the things I need to do there just comes a time when I have to get on my knees and say, "I cannot do this on my own." And I know that He is just waiting for me to admit it and I carry on as if I can do anything and that I am not affected by all that has been happening...He is waiting for me to come unto him. I'm not above the trials of life, I'm not above frustration or pain or suffering. But then I pray...every day, but sometimes when I am at my weakest I am able to get the most support.

And the noise....

ceases

and I feel peace.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heaven laden and I will give you rest.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest to your souls.

"For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light."


His yolk is easy. He will give you rest. And I don't know about you but I desperately need to rest.

Here is a song to lighten your load today.

I leave these thoughts with you in the name of our Savior, even Jesus Christ.

Thoughts

I just want to share a few thoughts today.

Having courage does not mean that you aren't scared. I'll admit that the times that I have showed the most courage is when I have been scared out of my mind. The scriptures say that where there is fear there cannot be faith. I have often thought of this as I have gone through the last... 6 months or so. Each time fear and doubt threatened to swallow me up I would look fear in the face and say, "With God, anything is possible" and I would willingly stick my hand into the lion's mouth so-to-speak. I literally just said to myself that while I was so scared to encounter death, to witness the death of my child and to bury her and not know what kind of pain or suffering she would go through that I was going to choose not to be scared because it was in God's hands. Sometimes I was exceedingly faithful and other times my fears threatened to swallow me alive. That is where the power of God comes in. You have to believe that he will help you, that is how you have faith and then as you ask Him to help you He will pour out his blessings to make you strong.

And it's so interesting because I know that God can heal the sick and the lame, He has all power and yet, with my tiny daughter's broken body He chose to take her back home. It's so strange that you hear statistics about children who die at a young age and never imagine that your child will be one of them. Clearly God had another plan for her.

I guess that's all I had to say... I guess I just really want you to know that there are some incredibly scary things in life that will take a tremendous amount of faith to overcome, but you can do it and it is okay sometimes to be unsure of yourself and to be scared. Those are completely human emotions and God understands that we are inferior beings, the important thing is what you do next. How you show faith. You must go to work and pray and ask for the strength that you lack and then continue to be strong as if it all depends on you. God will bless you with an enormous amount of help, He will lift your burdens and make them lighter. He won't always take them away--He didn't remove Brooklyn's condition--but He will abide with you and heal your spirit. There is nothing wrong with feeling fear every now and again, but you will have the choice to trust God and know that He has a plan for you and your family. I know He has a plan for Brooklyn and I know she will be busy keeping my family safe.

I love Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and my Master. He is so merciful. He knows everything that I am going through. I always find comfort and solace when I ask for it through the atonement. I don't know how I could have gotten through this without His comfort and His love. I love Heavenly Father. He is such a kind and wonderful God. He has seen me through the darkest and saddest of times and blessed me with joy unimaginable. And I love and cherish Jacob, my sweet husband. He is such a strength and a comfort to me. He is my best friend. And I love Bentley and Brooklyn. They bring so much happiness to my life.

I encourage you not to wallow on the sad things in your life but to look up, for it is better to look up, and count your blessings. And as you do so you will bring the spirit of the Lord into your house and He will help you see His hand in your life!

Out of the mouth of babes

Bentley and I went to a baby contest for Steel Days. It's a celebration we have in a nearby city...anyway... we were playing on the playground and Bentley was watching another boy who had a remote control car. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that a remote control car could be dangerous on a playground but I'd never encountered that situation before. Well, before I knew it the car had driven right off the end of the playset and fallen to the woodchips below. Bentley, who had been playing with the car started scooting backwards like he was going to follow the car, not realizing that we were probably 6 feet in the air. I caught him by the arm just in the nick of time! I was a mess. He started crying, I started crying, I probably hurt his arm when I yanked him back from the edge and I can only imagine the tone of voice I must have used.
There are few times in my life that I have felt that kind of terror. It's not something I would like to feel again any time soon.
Isaiah, the boy who was playing with the car (about 8-9 years old) sat down next to me on the stairs of the playground and let Bentley hold his car while I took a moment to collect myself, along with my dignity. He told me that he had a similar experience with his sister and that it could be really scary. His brother was being judged for the contest, he loved cars, etc...
It was very comforting to me that the person who probably witnessed my whole episode from start to finish was a child. There was no judgement in his kind eyes. He was willing to share with Bentley as long as Bentley wanted and he just sat there and talked to me in a quiet way, the way you might talk to a frightened child. He didn't remark about my fit or about Bentley's. He just sat there with me until I was calm enough to walk away. It's no wonder that we are supposed to be like children in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. I don't know what kind of family this boy came from but he took the time to comfort a stranger several years his senior. What maturity and love that boy had.

I hope to be more like Isaiah.

Bentley won't be playing on the playground any time soon. We're going to stick to grass and sidewalks. Maybe sand.

Homesick

Today I'm a little frustrated. For some reason I feel like people should be more considerate or understanding. For example, if I go to the Doctor's office and one of the workers asks about my baby and I tell them that she passed away, I would think the first thing she would do is tell everyone so that I don't get asked a second time. As per usual, however, I was asked a total of 3 times at my OBGYN's office. And honestly it isn't about the fact that I was asked, I enjoy talking about Brooklyn, but I hate having to explain it and the look of shock, horror and pity that crosses their face. I think that is one of the hardest things to bear. It doesn't matter how I am feeling that day, one of those looks can crush me. All the emotions I felt before Brooklyn was born and right after she passed away just come flooding back in an overwhelming wave and I have to push all of those feelings back into their box and tie them off with a nice little pink bow.

Today, driving home from the OB's office I was reminded of another drive, coming home from our first visit with the high-risk doctor with a knowledge of Brooklyn's possible condition. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Such a complex mixture of sadness and hope. I was a leaky faucet for days.

And then when I got the call about Brooklyn's Trisomy. I was at the store, days from my birthday, and when I realized who was calling me I just felt a feeling of dread. I heard him saying the words I knew he would say and then that was it. Life continued on as normal, except for the breaking of my heart. 

Pardon my reminiscing, I've already told you before that this blog is sort of my catharsis, a sacred space for my thoughts. I just have to get some things off of my chest. 

Speaking of which, I want to say for the record that with everything going on in my life I am doing fine. I am not having baby blues, I am not bitter, I am not suffering more than is needful and I am not depressed. There are days when I am fine and then there are days when my anxiety and my stress and my sadness is just filled to the brim and I just need to bawl it out, I just need a moment with my Father in Heaven or a listening ear to just hear how I am feeling. It's like shaking up a bottle of soda and the lid needs to be taken off. I just need a relief! My baby just died! My hormones are crazy! I have bills to pay and a grave site to finish and a house to clean and a child to raise and finances to see and food storage to collect and weight to lose--this is not an easy place to be in! Everyone who loses someone is going to have hard days. Everyone. I don't care who you are. That doesn't mean that they are depressed. I do not want to see a therapist, I do not want medication. Because, seriously, I need more doctor's bills? No. 

I heard a song today called "Homesick" by Mercyme. It explains my feelings very well.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

What a beautiful way to pen my feelings. No one can fix this. It's not broken. It is how things are meant to be.  And whenever I turn to the Lord I am rewarded 70 times 7. He has not left me alone. I find solace and comfort in His loving arms. I know that He has watched over my family and continues to do so. We are so blessed. The reason I cry is because I love her so much and it will feel like forever before I get to hold her again. It feels like forever since the last time I held her. Held her so close and patted her back with her teeny head on my shoulder. It feels like forever.

But one day I will get her back and I will be with her every day of forever and it will be so wonderful. I'm just a little homesick right now.

I have decided that I don't want Brooklyn's death to consume my life. I have noticed that I obsess over it some days--which is to be expected, I know--and those days are...sad-er. Not worse, just, sad. I still stand by my statement that I am relieved for Brooklyn. There are certainly things worse than death and running a marathon every day is not something I would wish for anyone, especially one so tiny. In any case I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my life and enjoy Bentley. Brooklyn will always be my little girl and now that I am starting to hang pictures of her in my house it feels like she is mine and always will be, even if I can't see her. She is my perfect little angel, awaiting me in heaven. And I know she helps me to be strong each day. She has a sweet spirit like that.

Bentley on the other hand, bless his heart, has been a little crazy lately. Still an angel, but he is teething and he is having separation anxiety--and now he's pushing our buttons trying to see if we will give in to his demands. Fits are becoming common place and sometimes he's just in need of a nap. Even so we still have fun. We read scriptures in the morning and play at the park, sometimes he takes a bath and gets to play with his toys.

Can I say he is just the cutest thing ever? The other night he woke up and was not tired AT ALL. So I went upstairs and slept in the guest bed with him and whilst I am trying to fall asleep Bentley was sitting up, staring at me whispering, "Ma ma," and then I felt his little hand poking my face over and over again. I just thought to myself, 'you never know how long anyone will live on this earth, and when he grows older I want to be able to look back and say that I loved my children and I enjoyed all the stages of their life.' I will have time for sleep later, but the precious moments like that I will never get back.
When Bentley is not being a cranky child he is adorable. Yesterday he grabbed my pant-leg and pulled me into the front room just so he could hug me. What a sweet kid.

Here are some pictures of my sweet boy. :D enjoy

After Bentley cut his head on a chair-leg, I held a wet washcloth to the wound. This is the face he gave me.

At the ER waiting.

Attempting to make it more humane by numbing his head.

Bentley hugging Merlin, our cat whom was with us only a few weeks.

We are a happy family.

Bentley and Grandpa on the tractor.

War Eagle ;)

Wearing mommy's apron. too cute.

Slipping through my fingers

I can't believe how long it has been. My sister's baby just turned one month old. He is such an adorable little baby, just barely learning to hold his head up. I just think, "wow, has it been that long?" My nephew was born on the 11th of June. A healthy, handsome little baby. Seeing that picture of Lucas holding his head up I felt a little pang. Right where my heart should be. I'm so happy for her family, I am so proud of baby Luke but I realized that it's been almost a month since she passed away. I know I've said that before, but...what? Bentley grew up so fast. I guess I should have known. It's going to be so weird watching my nephew grow up and see my little girl every time I look at him. What a tender blessing. One of those bitter-sweet kind of things. I can't help but think "If Brooklyn were a month old, she probably wouldn't have been able to hold her head up," or something similar.

I'm so glad I have so many pictures of her.

It will be a good thing, watching Lucas grow, a perfect reminder of my perfect little angel. A constant reminder that she is waiting for me. One day I will get to watch her grow up. One day I will be with her again. What a precious, precious gift.

Be still, Oh, my heart, one day we will be whole again.


Courtney

Roller Coaster part 2

I know that we of the female kind get a bad rap for being emotional, sometimes bordering on the extreme but I have never considered myself deserving of this description until just recently. I truly am happy--most of the time--but my mood seriously fluctuates like the track of Expedition Everest in Disney's Animal Kingdom, Florida. Sometimes I coast along, sometimes my mood drops and other times I'm not sure if I am sideways or upside down or just spinning. The slightest things can set me off. Suddenly I will just feel a surge of emotion, be it sadness or anger. I am easily frustrated or stressed and I have to instantly decide to fight the feeling or I will dwell on it for hours. Like a pig, wallowing in the mud.

I honestly started wondering when I became such a cranky person. If I perceive the slightest twitch in a person's face that signals disapproval or confusion I feel utterly despondent. Pictures of Brooklyn make me happy and then sad and then the whole next day I am short tempered and impatient.

Then someone came over today, a wonderful woman who has been so kind to me during this time in my life. She actually works as a volunteer social worker. She was different from other people who work in the medical world, for some reason I really felt a connection to her. Today as we were speaking she informed me that on the 31st of May her own little girl passed away. My heart just broke for her but it was comforting to find someone to talk to who was experiencing the same kind of twilight zone. The one where you want to be so happy all the time because you know it's not the end and you will see her again really soon...but you are battling the emotional fall out of...losing a child. I don't know what else to compare it to.

It's hard because, when I am happy, I am happy. And I have very little to write about. It doesn't flow as well unless I am writing about Bentley or posting his pictures. This blog is my catharsis, really, to some how define what I am feeling. And sometimes I just need to pour all that emotion into a container so that I don't become a raging dragon at the first person sticking their head out of the sand.  :) Sorry, Jake. I think men really get a bum deal sometimes.

Anyway. Don't get me wrong. I am doing well. I am taken care of. I just want to be heard some days. Without fear of being judged or misunderstood. I just need to say it.

Thanks for listening.


Courtney

Thankful

Words always fail to convey the feelings in my heart but I am going to try.

Today is a day for gratitude. Gratitude to those who have given their lives so that we can have freedom. Freedom to live in peace, freedom to own land and raise a family and freedom to worship our God. What a miraculous blessing that we have. It is our responsibility to protect that freedom for it is a gift given from our Father in Heaven. I am grateful for all of those who are currently fighting for freedom and for all those who continue to stand up for what is right in a world that seems to be so...wrong....

but I would be remiss if I didn't thank an entirely different group of people in this world. Throughout my pregnancy and Brooklyn's life I have always had support. I know that God is always mindful of my family but it is true that He has been answering our prayers through the hands of angels. I can't express how deeply I feel gratitude for those who have been such good friends to me throughout the months and days of stress and anxiety. I am so grateful to have family who love us and serve us. And I am so thankful for each individual prayer on our behalf. Thank you to those in my church who have brought us meals for weeks running, who took care of my in laws when they went to church without me while Brooklyn was alive and for welcoming me back with love and warmth. Thank you for your kind words and cards, for your loving thoughts, condolences and friendship. It is such a comfort to know that I have so many people who love and care for my family. Thank you for inquiring after my wellness and especially worrying about my sweet husband. I am so thankful for the knowledge that I have help if ever I need it and Bentley has about a hundred stand-by babysitters. :)
And thank you to all those who don't live close--and those who I don't know personally--who have sent their love and their service through prayers. What a truly beautiful gift. That so many people would pray for my little girl, and my family, has really touched my heart.
Thank you for putting my name on your prayer rolls and for taking time out of your busy lives to spare a thought for our aching hearts. Have peace, knowing that God has heard all of our prayers and answered them ten fold.

I love and adore all of you. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful independence day. Spend it with your loved ones. You have the freedom to do so. Don't take a minute for granted!

Courtney

The Broken Bandaid

I know what you are thinking. My life is in transition, this is no time to make major decisions in my life. I need to think about things and decide when I am not so emotionally compromised, but I am mature enough to handle major decisions even in distress. So this past week I went out and brought home an orange and white tabby cat. He is quite adorable. He is orange and white, as previously stated, and has blue green eyes. He's only about two months old---And I can't stand him.

A dog needs constant attention. A dog needs to be taken to the bathroom every couple of hours. A dog needs babysitting, training, loving, playing, walking etc... Which is why I brought home a cat. A cat is independent, a cat takes itself to the bathroom. All you have to do is pet it once in a while, brush its fur and make sure it has food and water. Right? So I bring this cat home and we find out that it has an extreme case of separation anxiety. If I leave the room the cat will mew, then meow and then start into hysterics. I have never heard a cat meow like that. If you've ever seen Seven Brides for Seven Brothers before, the part where Gideon is trying to get Alice to come outside and is meowing frantically? That's how my kitten meows. He will meow for an hour sometimes because I am downstairs and he is upstairs and can't find me. He won't go upstairs to eat or to drink or go to the bathroom. We have to take him upstairs or downstairs depending on what he wants; and this cat is supposed to be an inside cat!

Anyway, I was getting more and more frustrated with this little kitten to the point where I really started resenting it. At some moments I still do. But what's a girl to do? I can't get rid of the cat, my husband and son adore him. We've named him Merlin, he's part of our family now. And who would take him? He's got some kind of eye infection right now.
And now, here comes the "I told you so,"...What was I thinking!? Why in the world did I go out and get a cat and bring it home only to despise it and hate it and wish ill upon it? Well, I think I have it figured out.

It's been kind of a stressful two weeks. Two weeks ago today my little Brooklyn passed away, the following Monday my little Bentley got stitches and two weeks ago this Thursday is the day we buried our child. It feels like a hundred years ago, and in some ways, it feels like yesterday. Time has been on fast forward. Our bills are being processed and school fees are coming up and finances are a little crazy--I haven't been a functioning wife for almost the last two whole months! Now I have to get back into meal planning and cleaning and bill paying and entertaining and making friends and all the things that come with life and with all these stresses I went out and bought a cat. The one thing on earth that I can depend on to do what it should do. Eat, poop, sleep, come to me when it needs love, start over. It was the band aid to fix all my frustrations.  Only...it wasn't the band aid I thought it would be. The cat is needy and lonely and sickly and frustrating beyond belief and while it is cute and cuddly it's not my child. And I think deep down I really wanted something to hold, something to cuddle. It's been a hard week because I am just so cranky. I have to smile and be strong for everyone else but my family suffers because all that extra energy I put out into the neighborhood and on facebook or talking to friends takes a toll on the energy I have left for when I am at home and let me just say, I'm normally a sunny person but at my house it has been all thunderclouds.

I have been reminded and adequately chastened to remember that there is nothing on this earth that can heal wounds like the Savior's love. There is power in the angelic ear of a friend or a therapeutic discussion of loss and love and comfort, relating to one another. But the power of the atonement is for just such a circumstance. The atonement will not "fix" everything, you can't "fix" a wounded spirit, but it can be mended. There will be scars, there will be pain but you will find solace in the loving arms of Jesus Christ. When you are kneeling at your bedside, weeping, as women (and men) are apt to do, picture in your mind that you are weeping into the lap of the Savior. I believe that is exactly what we do when we utilize the atonement. He smooths our hair and he comforts us and he makes us feel better so that we can be strong enough to learn the lessons that he has to teach us. You can't just put a band aid on loss, you can't just bandage a sickness or a trial like losing a job or failing your test or fighting with a friend. It takes healing, it takes learning, it takes the humility of a child to trust that the Father will do what is best for you and then trusting His Son to make up the difference in you.

I still haven't decided what to do with my cat. Anyone know a family who wants one? He's really cute! ;) I have, however, decided that it is okay to move on with my life, to be happy and enjoy my son. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be sad some days and it's okay to miss my daughter a little--and a lot. And most importantly, it's okay to turn to the savior every minute of the day. He never tires of hearing my prayers. He knows the inner workings of my heart and He feels most potently the anguish inside of everyone.

I know this to be true. I find comfort and joy in reading the Bible and the Book of Mormon. They Testify of Christ, they teach us of his gospel and they encourage us to repent. To turn around and to return to His way so that we can be a family again in Heaven with our Father in Heaven and with our loved ones from earth. I don't know about you, but I want to see my Brooklyn again. I want to do anything I can to get back into her presence and hold her in my arms again. I miss that most.

If you are struggling with this part of the Gospel or you want to know more and are not a member, Ask the Missionaries! They can help you. They can help whether you are a member, a non member, interested or just have questions. Ask the missionaries. Or ask me. I have lots to say on the subject.

Courtney