Roller Coaster part 2

I know that we of the female kind get a bad rap for being emotional, sometimes bordering on the extreme but I have never considered myself deserving of this description until just recently. I truly am happy--most of the time--but my mood seriously fluctuates like the track of Expedition Everest in Disney's Animal Kingdom, Florida. Sometimes I coast along, sometimes my mood drops and other times I'm not sure if I am sideways or upside down or just spinning. The slightest things can set me off. Suddenly I will just feel a surge of emotion, be it sadness or anger. I am easily frustrated or stressed and I have to instantly decide to fight the feeling or I will dwell on it for hours. Like a pig, wallowing in the mud.

I honestly started wondering when I became such a cranky person. If I perceive the slightest twitch in a person's face that signals disapproval or confusion I feel utterly despondent. Pictures of Brooklyn make me happy and then sad and then the whole next day I am short tempered and impatient.

Then someone came over today, a wonderful woman who has been so kind to me during this time in my life. She actually works as a volunteer social worker. She was different from other people who work in the medical world, for some reason I really felt a connection to her. Today as we were speaking she informed me that on the 31st of May her own little girl passed away. My heart just broke for her but it was comforting to find someone to talk to who was experiencing the same kind of twilight zone. The one where you want to be so happy all the time because you know it's not the end and you will see her again really soon...but you are battling the emotional fall out of...losing a child. I don't know what else to compare it to.

It's hard because, when I am happy, I am happy. And I have very little to write about. It doesn't flow as well unless I am writing about Bentley or posting his pictures. This blog is my catharsis, really, to some how define what I am feeling. And sometimes I just need to pour all that emotion into a container so that I don't become a raging dragon at the first person sticking their head out of the sand.  :) Sorry, Jake. I think men really get a bum deal sometimes.

Anyway. Don't get me wrong. I am doing well. I am taken care of. I just want to be heard some days. Without fear of being judged or misunderstood. I just need to say it.

Thanks for listening.


Courtney