I just get so worried, you know? I'm dealing with my own emotional baggage and the loss of my littlest one, but I am also worried about Bentley and the effects he is feeling, I am concerned for my husband--and more recently for Brooklyn's extended family. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm so tired of feeling exhausted. My body is rebelling, showing signs of stress and there are some days when I just want to...go to Lagoon! Go do something really fun! Feel overwhelmingly happy and just laugh. It's like a craving. I just can't function with all this misery. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier just to put all of Brooklyn's things in a box, put away her pictures and just not think anymore! But how in the world can I do that when she is my daughter?
It's so interesting how many people want to fix my emotions and my feelings by offering solutions. I just want to say, "Please, stop it!" I don't want to hear about therapists, I don't want a reminder of doctrine. I know all these things and it feels very thoughtless when everyone says it in the exact same manner, some times even the same words. And it's so difficult when people ask me how I am, because most people just ask because it is customary--and how am I supposed to answer that? I just say I'm fine. It's especially difficult when it becomes very personal, not customary. When I say "I'm fine" and they stop and look at me and say, "Are you really?" Almost as if at that moment I need to dig deep and assess how I really feel only to find that I am not doing that great.
With all of this stress my body is certainly feeling it and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I've been really nervous and scared. There, I said it. It's so easy to just keep on keep on as usual. I have to be strong, so let's be strong for one more thing. With Brooklyn's death so recent I just can't get it out of my mind that we are all mortal and we never know when our turn is up. I know it's crazy and irrational but I just...I thought that all my testing would be done for awhile. Ha ha. I thought maybe I could just rest. And maybe I will, maybe I'm just getting worked up for nothing. Really wouldn't be the first time. :) Maybe I should just pray and be thankful for the things I have instead of asking for more understanding and more faith. Ha.
I'm reminded of a scripture I just wanted to share with you.
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest," Matthew 11:28
When I was in labor, bringing Brooklyn into the world my whole body was shaky and I felt uncomfortable. When contractions hit it was like my entire body was focused on my uterus which caused intense pain. My body labored and labored and hurt and pushed until Brooklyn was born. I am metaphorically still laboring. My spirit is working and fighting and learning and striving to be faithful. I am working hard to trust in the Lord.
Obviously this is a time for growth, and with all the noise and all the things I need to do there just comes a time when I have to get on my knees and say, "I cannot do this on my own." And I know that He is just waiting for me to admit it and I carry on as if I can do anything and that I am not affected by all that has been happening...He is waiting for me to come unto him. I'm not above the trials of life, I'm not above frustration or pain or suffering. But then I pray...every day, but sometimes when I am at my weakest I am able to get the most support.
And the noise....
ceases
and I feel peace.
"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heaven laden and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest to your souls.
"For my yolk is easy, and my burden is light."
His yolk is easy. He will give you rest. And I don't know about you but I desperately need to rest.
Here is a song to lighten your load today.
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