Homesick

Today I'm a little frustrated. For some reason I feel like people should be more considerate or understanding. For example, if I go to the Doctor's office and one of the workers asks about my baby and I tell them that she passed away, I would think the first thing she would do is tell everyone so that I don't get asked a second time. As per usual, however, I was asked a total of 3 times at my OBGYN's office. And honestly it isn't about the fact that I was asked, I enjoy talking about Brooklyn, but I hate having to explain it and the look of shock, horror and pity that crosses their face. I think that is one of the hardest things to bear. It doesn't matter how I am feeling that day, one of those looks can crush me. All the emotions I felt before Brooklyn was born and right after she passed away just come flooding back in an overwhelming wave and I have to push all of those feelings back into their box and tie them off with a nice little pink bow.

Today, driving home from the OB's office I was reminded of another drive, coming home from our first visit with the high-risk doctor with a knowledge of Brooklyn's possible condition. So many emotions, so many thoughts. Such a complex mixture of sadness and hope. I was a leaky faucet for days.

And then when I got the call about Brooklyn's Trisomy. I was at the store, days from my birthday, and when I realized who was calling me I just felt a feeling of dread. I heard him saying the words I knew he would say and then that was it. Life continued on as normal, except for the breaking of my heart. 

Pardon my reminiscing, I've already told you before that this blog is sort of my catharsis, a sacred space for my thoughts. I just have to get some things off of my chest. 

Speaking of which, I want to say for the record that with everything going on in my life I am doing fine. I am not having baby blues, I am not bitter, I am not suffering more than is needful and I am not depressed. There are days when I am fine and then there are days when my anxiety and my stress and my sadness is just filled to the brim and I just need to bawl it out, I just need a moment with my Father in Heaven or a listening ear to just hear how I am feeling. It's like shaking up a bottle of soda and the lid needs to be taken off. I just need a relief! My baby just died! My hormones are crazy! I have bills to pay and a grave site to finish and a house to clean and a child to raise and finances to see and food storage to collect and weight to lose--this is not an easy place to be in! Everyone who loses someone is going to have hard days. Everyone. I don't care who you are. That doesn't mean that they are depressed. I do not want to see a therapist, I do not want medication. Because, seriously, I need more doctor's bills? No. 

I heard a song today called "Homesick" by Mercyme. It explains my feelings very well.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

What a beautiful way to pen my feelings. No one can fix this. It's not broken. It is how things are meant to be.  And whenever I turn to the Lord I am rewarded 70 times 7. He has not left me alone. I find solace and comfort in His loving arms. I know that He has watched over my family and continues to do so. We are so blessed. The reason I cry is because I love her so much and it will feel like forever before I get to hold her again. It feels like forever since the last time I held her. Held her so close and patted her back with her teeny head on my shoulder. It feels like forever.

But one day I will get her back and I will be with her every day of forever and it will be so wonderful. I'm just a little homesick right now.