It's normal to go through cycles, I get it. This time, however, it has really been frustrating. I am generally a happy person (Those who have worked with me in any capacity can vouch for me) and a kind person, but I feel like I am much less forgiving and the wick of my anger is much shorter than it used to be. I just have to wonder why is that? When I have everything I have ever wanted and more. Can't I just be happy with what I have? Do I have to act like red-faced-irritated-rhino?
Upon further reflection I think it has to do with my grief. I can't tell you how wonderful my good days are. They are so wonderful and so happy and so positive and I can be patient and understanding with my toddler, but then the bad days come like thunderstorms with near banging doors and ruffled feathers, hiss, spit and vinegar. I know that it's a problem. Sometimes I feel like I am hurting and I don't know how to deal with it because I don't feel like crying and I'm trying to be happy and move on but I don't want to and the emotional stress wears me out and then Bentley is STILL teething. Sometimes I feel like it will never stop--and he's starting to be openly belligerent...All this notwithstanding, it doesn't excuse my outlet of grief as anger.
Anger is so dangerous and so inappropriate. I know it is one of the stages of grief but it's one that I could do without. I am so sick at myself when I make a snide remark or I think an unkind thought, when I complain or initiate negative conversations I just feel so sick to my stomach, and then I want to cry. And I feel like everyone is so over everything that happened this last june. I know it was five months ago but it feels like yesterday to me.
And I never know if I want to talk about it or not. I wish people would stop asking me to reexamine my feelings.
I wish I really knew what I wanted.
:) perks of being a girl, I guess.
Anyway, I am reading lots of talks by the apostles of the church and I am going to start studying the life of Christ to try and help myself overcome this cycle of anger, sadness and frustration and return to my happy, content self. I know that Brooklyn is mine forever. I know that I will see her again. I know she is happy. I want to be happy too. For my husband and for my son, if not for myself. They don't deserve to see that side of me when no one else gets to. I love them with all my heart.
There is a hymn in our church hymn book, it goes like this:
School thy feelings, O my brother;
Train thy warm, impulsive soul.
Do not its emotions smother,
But let wisdom’s voice control.
School thy feelings; there is power
In the cool, collected mind.
Passion shatters reason’s tower,
Makes the clearest vision blind. …
School thy feelings; condemnation
Never pass on friend or foe,
Though the tide of accusation
Like a flood of truth may flow.
Hear defense before deciding,
And a ray of light may gleam,
Showing thee what filth is hiding
Underneath the shallow stream.
School thy feelings, O my brother;
Train thy warm, impulsive soul.
Do not its emotions smother,
But let wisdom’s voice control.
I know that this is God's will for me, to learn to control my temper. If you are having a hard time controlling your emotions, I have a few recommendations.
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