Today a student in my husband's class went in for an induction. Apparently several months ago they discovered their child had Trisomy 18. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat on the fetal heart tone monitor and so they suspect the baby will be stillborn. Thinking about this situation I thought of these words:
Where has gone the pitter-patter beat
Predecessor to pitter-patter feet?
Words again fail to express the truly horrific feelings of the loss of my child. I just think of the agonizing wait to find out how bad off my child was and how likely it was that I would see her alive in this world. Not knowing which moment it would be that she would leave this world. I remember the moment I was told about her trisomy, as I've said before. In some ways she died that day, in my mind. My heart just breaks for this wonderful young mother.
We have truly been blessed in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We have been given restored knowledge that we can be together with our families forever if we keep God's commandments and the covenants we make in the temple. I know that I will see my Brooklyn again. This knowledge does not strip my experience with grief, it just emboldens me when I stare into the gaping jaws of despair. I know that there is hope. God is a merciful God and He will return to us all the things we lose in this life, only he will return them magnified and improved.
Sometimes I wish I could take other's burden's upon myself. I know that I can handle some things but I don't know what others can handle. I imagine that's how our parents feel about this difficult last year. It must be so difficult to watch your children go through a very hard trial, not knowing what they need or how to help or how to heal their hearts.
Thing is, we can't take on ourselves other's burdens, that's not a power that we have--we can't even handle our own burdens sometimes (although we can help shoulder them occasionally)! There is someone who can and will and does, however. His name is Jesus Christ. He bore every imaginable hurt, and he suffered for us in the garden of Gethsemane, all the way to Golgotha.
The question is not, will we endure difficult things. The question is how will we endure it? Will we ride into the wind on our raggedy mule, fighting the torrential rains (of seemingly hell itself) into the gates of heaven? Or will we fall, broken, hopeless and without faith?
Put your faith in Jesus Christ and in that God that gave you life. Fight. Push on. Do not give up. Sad things will happen. YOU CAN ENDURE. God gave you that power. He gave you agency. And He promised that He would help you through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ.
When I heard about Kayla and her baby with Trisomy 18, now considered stillborn, I just wanted to...tell SOMEONE. I just wanted to be heard. It's so hard to tell someone who doesn't understand, because they don't know what to do with that knowledge. They don't know what to say or how to react. Sometimes I just want someone to hear that I am hurting. To know that I am not alone in this. To let myself remember that Others in this situation are not alone. And together we are strong.
And another thing. To have a perfect child that only needs a body to get into heaven, a child too precious to endure the wickedness in this world. Is the most painful blessing I have ever received. And I would do it all over again if I had to. I wouldn't have changed anything about her. She was hand picked by the Lord to return home. And I DO believe that. What a beautiful gift.
Thanks for listening.
My social worker's baby died just before Brooklyn was born. Here is her blog in case anyone would like more thoughts on losing a child. Her words are extremely insightful. And very honest. I appreciate how she deals with her grief. http://babytatumtime.blogspot.com
Love you all,
Thank you for your emails and comments.
Courtney
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