Baby #3 - July 22nd 2014

Finally, the news is out! I can write about the topics I have been thinking about lately. It's actually been rather nice to have to keep some of my thoughts to myself. I have been able to ponder on how I am feeling and try to work it out myself instead of blogging it for the world to see.

With Bun #3 in the oven there is lots to think about and consider. At first I immediately had trouble falling asleep, my mind was clouded with fears, doubts and depression. It took a few days to come around to the idea that, yes, we indeed are pregnant and yes, I did make this decision of my own accord, and no, there is no way to go back. I'll admit, I fell apart in front of a couple of people, while I agonized over how I should feel. When I finally came to myself I felt ashamed for how I fell apart, on more than one accounts. It was silly and childish and a huge moment of weakness--but when I fell apart, it really felt like a huge problem.

Thankfully the Lord has given me peace concerning this child. Honestly, if this child does end up having Trisomy 18, everything would be okay, but I feel confident that this time we will have a different experience. And I am so looking forward to being excited to have a baby, to dream about their birth and to snuggle with them and play with them and look forward to a long earth life with them. Yes, I feel at peace this time. Looking through Brooklyn's videos I am torn between loving nostalgia for the endless hours Sara and I watched that australian soap opera while we watched over my tender child, or the joy of having her for 20 days....and the heart rending pain of remembering what it felt like to watch her struggle for life. The moment of her birth that I was certain would be her last. When I look at Bentley's photos I am filled with warm fuzzies and the new mom excitement, remembering how beautiful he was and how sweet every moment was. Even when it was 4 AM and I was exhausted and he was crying.

Yes, I am looking forward to that once more. I'll take a boy, or a girl...heck, I'd take both. or two of either (twins, not quadruplets) but according to our 8 week ultrasound, there is only one  baby in there. One beautiful, perfect little child.

In February we will go see the high risk doctor and have a detailed ultrasound to check for congenital defects and look for Trisomy 18--however unlikely--. It will be an interesting time. Last February we found out our daughter was going to die. I hope that this February we will find that our child will live. I would very much like a change of pace.

Now, if only I didn't have to wait so long.....


204 Days left.

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope the new year ushers in the happiest news for you.

Lots of Love,

Courtney

Bounce!

Today's been kind of an up and down day. Speaking to a woman on the phone, she asked me how many children I have. A simple enough question. I just sat there. I'm sure it seemed strange, then, the words just came out of my mouth. "I have two, one is deceased." Well, gee, talk about awkward. Thankfully she had experienced something of a similar nature in her life and she understood my little mishap. I just get so used to people asking if I have one and debating every time what I should say or how I should answer it. Sometimes I just say yes because it's so much easier...but it still feels dishonest. And to be 100% serious, it really only bothers me when I am having a down day. I don't understand where this day came from either. I feel like I have been having some good days. Perhaps I'm just being selfish. My little one and I had a great day today. We played we laughed and we enjoyed each other's company. What more could I ask for?

You know what? No. I have been so blessed lately. There really is no reason to go on  and on about how sad I am and how frustrated I am. Like I'm entitled to be a sally-sob story. I refuse to let this get me down. So someone asked how many kids I have, people are going to ask me that for the rest of my life. I can't kick myself about this for the rest of my life. I can't let the time other people spend with me determine my  happiness or whether or not someone wants to go to the store with me. This pettiness has to end! Just get over it! Just pick yourself up off the floor and think of happy things. Think of the blessing of financial aid. Think of the warm home you have over your head. The presents given to your little one because of the kindness of church members. Think of that heavenly child awaiting you on the other side.

I know sometimes it is easier said than done, but I have faith that when God says we can become like him we can have power over our bodies, our emotions, our mind and anything else that we are. That's why we have the atonement. The Lord can help us overcome our weaknesses and this new-found weakness is not going to determine how I am feeling. I determine how I am feeling.

I choose not to be sad.

I choose to be happy. I choose to feel empowered. I know in whom I have trusted.

Thanks for reading.

Courtney

New church calling!

As many of you know, in our church we don't have any paid clergy this means that all of the members have to work together to fill in the slots and help make the ward what it needs to be. Today I was released in my calling in Activity days for the 10 and 11 year old girls. We are losing our girls to Young womens (Girls 12-18) so they don't need me anymore. Instead,  I was placed into the the primary! Activity days IS in the primary but now I am the Primary Chorister. I get to sing with the kids ages 3 to 12 years every Sunday and prepare for our special primary program in October. I'm really excited for this new calling and I hope I can do it to the best of my ability. 

The winds of change are coming! I believe that this change came at the perfect time, the Lord knows what He is doing and I know He's been hearing my prayers. The children aren't used to visual aids or anything so I basically have a clean slate, I can do whatever I want to teach them the music. :) Anyway, I'm excited.

On another exciting note, our letter came back from the hospital's financial aid and they have granted our petition. This means that all of the hospice bills incurred from our little Brooklyn's life have been forgiven and we are free to save up for the next child or big event in our lives that comes our way. We are so thankful for this tender mercy and so thankful for all the prayers we have received on our behalf. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Courtney

Bound, bound, bound and rebound.

Did you ever see that Jackalope? It was one of the Disney/ pixar shorts right before a movie. The Incredibles, I think... Where the sheep gets sheared naked and dumped in the desert until the next summer and he's embarrassed because he's pink? And he's so sad about it?

That's how I feel this week. It's been an endless cycle of sheep summers. I wake up feeling good, and then the shearers come and I just feel so cut down, my self esteem is taking hits I didn't know were possible and I find myself wading through a wasteland of doubt and self loathing. I don't remember ever suffering from depression before this summer. I guess I was just high on the substance of ME. Lately though, it's getting harder to remember why I used to be SO AWESOME.

Then, every now and again, the Jackalope comes and says, "Pink? Pink? What's wrong with pink! Seems to me you've got a pink kink in your think!" He tells him how great it is to be pink and says you've got to "Bound, bound, bound and rebound!" I keep reminding myself that I need to accentuate the positive and stop thinking such harsh thoughts.

The reason I am so awesome and wonderful, the reason my husband found me so attractive is because I am a confident, optimistic person and I have faith in God. I just want to hold on to those qualities. They are so rare these days. I don't want to be a bitter, hateful, self loathing person. I can endure hard things and still be resilient and positive.

To help dispel the dark clouds that seem to be looming over my head (think of the sad zoloft commercial), I am trying to be more productive in the home. Winter has brought on a slew of delicious treats and I have had no restraint and the 10 lbs I have gained do not flatter me. So instead of worrying about the extra weight and the freezing weather outside. I just have to select better eating choices and try to walk more than I am sitting while I spend the day with Bentley.  I also tend to want to spend money to make myself feel better, so to offset that, I am trying to add to the family budget by writing online for a "freelance" company of sorts. And I am trying so hard not to dwell on the sad parts of missing my daughter.

Today someone was talking to me about my children and she was teary eyed and her voice was wobbly and it was so sweet and I didn't want to listen because I have been having a hard week when it comes to my daughter and I didn't want to cry in front of her. I really didn't. Because the crying I want to do is unproductive. I just want to be sad and wallow and hate the world.

But we can't afford to do that, now can we? There's too much to do and it's hard enough to kick myself in the pants and get to work without the doomsday cloud ticking down over my head.

We have got to bound and REBOUND. What goes up must come down, but then it can go back UP again. And Rebound.

Growing up, my mom has always been there to empower me. She has always been there to tell me how wonderful and smart I am and how I am so valuable and I can do ANYTHING I want because I have an endless potential. I guess it's just getting harder, now that I don't have my personal cheerleader "shish boom ba"-ing me through life. I have to be my own cheerleader now. Be someone else's cheerleader. I know a few cheers. ;)

When it all comes down to it I just need to remember that I am a child of God and I come from a Father of Endless potential. Kittens grow up to be cats. Puppies grow up to be dogs. And humans, if they are righteous, grow up to be God's. Because that's where we came from. All the depressing whisperings come from the adversary who is spiteful and hateful and angry and he wants nothing more than to see me and my family fail. Every moment he can keep me down is a victory for him. And I can rise above it. I can be empowered. I just need to ask in faith and act with confidence.

And remember that it's okay to be sheared pink. And it's okay to be 10 lbs fatter. And it's okay that you don't look like a model every day. You are loved regardless of your shape, your weight, and sometimes your mood. You have an endless potential. You can do ANYTHING. You see the positive in the world.

Walk tall. You're a daughter. A child of God. Be strong. Please remember who you are.

Try to understand.

You're part of his great plan.

He's closer than you know.

Reach out.

He'll take your hand.

6 months. Random reminiscing.

Eating donuts outside in.

Talking about family with my husband and I realized that our little Brooklyn would have been six months already. It's crazy how many babies I know that are about the same age. Brooklyn would never have had the same progression, but it's strange to see these babies grow when our Broo Broo is eternally the same in my mind. Never growing, never changing, always that sweet baby-face wrapped in her polka-dotted blanket.

Today my son and I sat on the couch and read through Brooklyn's book, given to us by her uncle. He had fun pointing out all the butterflies on the pages and babbling about Brooklyn in his own little way. At one point we came to a picture of my son holding my daughter, and he said, "She's sad,"--we've been working on our emotions, happy, sad, mad--and I said, "Oh no, she's not sad, she's happy. She's just sleeping." He accepted this with ease, but then he asked me, "Where Broo Broo go?" This too, is a new question. He often asks where Daddy go or grandpa go, sometimes even "Where mommy go?" I was touched by this innocent, yet urgent question. 

I explained in very concise terms that Brooklyn's body was very sick, so she died and now she lives with Jesus. We will see her again in a long long long long time. 

It was so odd to hear my almost two year old say, "She died".

That's right, sweet heart. But we will see her again.

I ask him often if he wants a new sibling and he always says no. He doesn't want another Broo Broo, he doesn't want a sister or a brother. He's fine the way things are. Ha ha. 

Please don't mistake this post for my depression catharsis, I'm merely musing. We've been so blessed this year, but her absence is still felt, and I think now that my son can express himself better, he wants a better explanation. :) I'll just keep explaining it to him. He's growing fond of Brooklyn's blanket and her bear. 

Sometimes I will be sitting at the table and I wonder what it would have been like to have two children to feed. Crazy, I'm sure, but one day I'll understand how that feels. And I'll get Brooklyn back, but by then all my other children will be grown. Her life will be a wonderful teaching opportunity to remind them of their eternal goal, which is heaven. To be with their sister once more. 

I went to visit a new mom in the hospital. I guess I really haven't seen any new born babies ever since Brooklyn was born. It was a tender experience. One I wasn't really prepared for, but I had my little boy there too and he kept me going. It was such a blessing, though, to see the influence this brand new baby had on the people visiting her. Such a sweet spirit. The child is pending adoption but I hope wherever she ends up she will be loved and cared for. 

That was us, six months ago.

:) no matter. You've got to accentuate the positive or the negative will swallow you whole. And there is so much to be grateful for. 

:) Love you all. Keep the faith. :) Remember, the night is always darkest before the dawn...but the dawn always comes. :)