Finally, the news is out! I can write about the topics I have been thinking about lately. It's actually been rather nice to have to keep some of my thoughts to myself. I have been able to ponder on how I am feeling and try to work it out myself instead of blogging it for the world to see.
With Bun #3 in the oven there is lots to think about and consider. At first I immediately had trouble falling asleep, my mind was clouded with fears, doubts and depression. It took a few days to come around to the idea that, yes, we indeed are pregnant and yes, I did make this decision of my own accord, and no, there is no way to go back. I'll admit, I fell apart in front of a couple of people, while I agonized over how I should feel. When I finally came to myself I felt ashamed for how I fell apart, on more than one accounts. It was silly and childish and a huge moment of weakness--but when I fell apart, it really felt like a huge problem.
Thankfully the Lord has given me peace concerning this child. Honestly, if this child does end up having Trisomy 18, everything would be okay, but I feel confident that this time we will have a different experience. And I am so looking forward to being excited to have a baby, to dream about their birth and to snuggle with them and play with them and look forward to a long earth life with them. Yes, I feel at peace this time. Looking through Brooklyn's videos I am torn between loving nostalgia for the endless hours Sara and I watched that australian soap opera while we watched over my tender child, or the joy of having her for 20 days....and the heart rending pain of remembering what it felt like to watch her struggle for life. The moment of her birth that I was certain would be her last. When I look at Bentley's photos I am filled with warm fuzzies and the new mom excitement, remembering how beautiful he was and how sweet every moment was. Even when it was 4 AM and I was exhausted and he was crying.
Yes, I am looking forward to that once more. I'll take a boy, or a girl...heck, I'd take both. or two of either (twins, not quadruplets) but according to our 8 week ultrasound, there is only one baby in there. One beautiful, perfect little child.
In February we will go see the high risk doctor and have a detailed ultrasound to check for congenital defects and look for Trisomy 18--however unlikely--. It will be an interesting time. Last February we found out our daughter was going to die. I hope that this February we will find that our child will live. I would very much like a change of pace.
Now, if only I didn't have to wait so long.....
204 Days left.
Happy New Year, everyone. I hope the new year ushers in the happiest news for you.
Lots of Love,
Courtney
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