That's how I feel this week. It's been an endless cycle of sheep summers. I wake up feeling good, and then the shearers come and I just feel so cut down, my self esteem is taking hits I didn't know were possible and I find myself wading through a wasteland of doubt and self loathing. I don't remember ever suffering from depression before this summer. I guess I was just high on the substance of ME. Lately though, it's getting harder to remember why I used to be SO AWESOME.
Then, every now and again, the Jackalope comes and says, "Pink? Pink? What's wrong with pink! Seems to me you've got a pink kink in your think!" He tells him how great it is to be pink and says you've got to "Bound, bound, bound and rebound!" I keep reminding myself that I need to accentuate the positive and stop thinking such harsh thoughts.
The reason I am so awesome and wonderful, the reason my husband found me so attractive is because I am a confident, optimistic person and I have faith in God. I just want to hold on to those qualities. They are so rare these days. I don't want to be a bitter, hateful, self loathing person. I can endure hard things and still be resilient and positive.
To help dispel the dark clouds that seem to be looming over my head (think of the sad zoloft commercial), I am trying to be more productive in the home. Winter has brought on a slew of delicious treats and I have had no restraint and the 10 lbs I have gained do not flatter me. So instead of worrying about the extra weight and the freezing weather outside. I just have to select better eating choices and try to walk more than I am sitting while I spend the day with Bentley. I also tend to want to spend money to make myself feel better, so to offset that, I am trying to add to the family budget by writing online for a "freelance" company of sorts. And I am trying so hard not to dwell on the sad parts of missing my daughter.
Today someone was talking to me about my children and she was teary eyed and her voice was wobbly and it was so sweet and I didn't want to listen because I have been having a hard week when it comes to my daughter and I didn't want to cry in front of her. I really didn't. Because the crying I want to do is unproductive. I just want to be sad and wallow and hate the world.
But we can't afford to do that, now can we? There's too much to do and it's hard enough to kick myself in the pants and get to work without the doomsday cloud ticking down over my head.
We have got to bound and REBOUND. What goes up must come down, but then it can go back UP again. And Rebound.
Growing up, my mom has always been there to empower me. She has always been there to tell me how wonderful and smart I am and how I am so valuable and I can do ANYTHING I want because I have an endless potential. I guess it's just getting harder, now that I don't have my personal cheerleader "shish boom ba"-ing me through life. I have to be my own cheerleader now. Be someone else's cheerleader. I know a few cheers. ;)
When it all comes down to it I just need to remember that I am a child of God and I come from a Father of Endless potential. Kittens grow up to be cats. Puppies grow up to be dogs. And humans, if they are righteous, grow up to be God's. Because that's where we came from. All the depressing whisperings come from the adversary who is spiteful and hateful and angry and he wants nothing more than to see me and my family fail. Every moment he can keep me down is a victory for him. And I can rise above it. I can be empowered. I just need to ask in faith and act with confidence.
And remember that it's okay to be sheared pink. And it's okay to be 10 lbs fatter. And it's okay that you don't look like a model every day. You are loved regardless of your shape, your weight, and sometimes your mood. You have an endless potential. You can do ANYTHING. You see the positive in the world.
Walk tall. You're a daughter. A child of God. Be strong. Please remember who you are.
Try to understand.
You're part of his great plan.
He's closer than you know.
Reach out.
He'll take your hand.
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