The Broken Bandaid

I know what you are thinking. My life is in transition, this is no time to make major decisions in my life. I need to think about things and decide when I am not so emotionally compromised, but I am mature enough to handle major decisions even in distress. So this past week I went out and brought home an orange and white tabby cat. He is quite adorable. He is orange and white, as previously stated, and has blue green eyes. He's only about two months old---And I can't stand him.

A dog needs constant attention. A dog needs to be taken to the bathroom every couple of hours. A dog needs babysitting, training, loving, playing, walking etc... Which is why I brought home a cat. A cat is independent, a cat takes itself to the bathroom. All you have to do is pet it once in a while, brush its fur and make sure it has food and water. Right? So I bring this cat home and we find out that it has an extreme case of separation anxiety. If I leave the room the cat will mew, then meow and then start into hysterics. I have never heard a cat meow like that. If you've ever seen Seven Brides for Seven Brothers before, the part where Gideon is trying to get Alice to come outside and is meowing frantically? That's how my kitten meows. He will meow for an hour sometimes because I am downstairs and he is upstairs and can't find me. He won't go upstairs to eat or to drink or go to the bathroom. We have to take him upstairs or downstairs depending on what he wants; and this cat is supposed to be an inside cat!

Anyway, I was getting more and more frustrated with this little kitten to the point where I really started resenting it. At some moments I still do. But what's a girl to do? I can't get rid of the cat, my husband and son adore him. We've named him Merlin, he's part of our family now. And who would take him? He's got some kind of eye infection right now.
And now, here comes the "I told you so,"...What was I thinking!? Why in the world did I go out and get a cat and bring it home only to despise it and hate it and wish ill upon it? Well, I think I have it figured out.

It's been kind of a stressful two weeks. Two weeks ago today my little Brooklyn passed away, the following Monday my little Bentley got stitches and two weeks ago this Thursday is the day we buried our child. It feels like a hundred years ago, and in some ways, it feels like yesterday. Time has been on fast forward. Our bills are being processed and school fees are coming up and finances are a little crazy--I haven't been a functioning wife for almost the last two whole months! Now I have to get back into meal planning and cleaning and bill paying and entertaining and making friends and all the things that come with life and with all these stresses I went out and bought a cat. The one thing on earth that I can depend on to do what it should do. Eat, poop, sleep, come to me when it needs love, start over. It was the band aid to fix all my frustrations.  Only...it wasn't the band aid I thought it would be. The cat is needy and lonely and sickly and frustrating beyond belief and while it is cute and cuddly it's not my child. And I think deep down I really wanted something to hold, something to cuddle. It's been a hard week because I am just so cranky. I have to smile and be strong for everyone else but my family suffers because all that extra energy I put out into the neighborhood and on facebook or talking to friends takes a toll on the energy I have left for when I am at home and let me just say, I'm normally a sunny person but at my house it has been all thunderclouds.

I have been reminded and adequately chastened to remember that there is nothing on this earth that can heal wounds like the Savior's love. There is power in the angelic ear of a friend or a therapeutic discussion of loss and love and comfort, relating to one another. But the power of the atonement is for just such a circumstance. The atonement will not "fix" everything, you can't "fix" a wounded spirit, but it can be mended. There will be scars, there will be pain but you will find solace in the loving arms of Jesus Christ. When you are kneeling at your bedside, weeping, as women (and men) are apt to do, picture in your mind that you are weeping into the lap of the Savior. I believe that is exactly what we do when we utilize the atonement. He smooths our hair and he comforts us and he makes us feel better so that we can be strong enough to learn the lessons that he has to teach us. You can't just put a band aid on loss, you can't just bandage a sickness or a trial like losing a job or failing your test or fighting with a friend. It takes healing, it takes learning, it takes the humility of a child to trust that the Father will do what is best for you and then trusting His Son to make up the difference in you.

I still haven't decided what to do with my cat. Anyone know a family who wants one? He's really cute! ;) I have, however, decided that it is okay to move on with my life, to be happy and enjoy my son. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be sad some days and it's okay to miss my daughter a little--and a lot. And most importantly, it's okay to turn to the savior every minute of the day. He never tires of hearing my prayers. He knows the inner workings of my heart and He feels most potently the anguish inside of everyone.

I know this to be true. I find comfort and joy in reading the Bible and the Book of Mormon. They Testify of Christ, they teach us of his gospel and they encourage us to repent. To turn around and to return to His way so that we can be a family again in Heaven with our Father in Heaven and with our loved ones from earth. I don't know about you, but I want to see my Brooklyn again. I want to do anything I can to get back into her presence and hold her in my arms again. I miss that most.

If you are struggling with this part of the Gospel or you want to know more and are not a member, Ask the Missionaries! They can help you. They can help whether you are a member, a non member, interested or just have questions. Ask the missionaries. Or ask me. I have lots to say on the subject.

Courtney