Baby #3 - July 22nd 2014

Finally, the news is out! I can write about the topics I have been thinking about lately. It's actually been rather nice to have to keep some of my thoughts to myself. I have been able to ponder on how I am feeling and try to work it out myself instead of blogging it for the world to see.

With Bun #3 in the oven there is lots to think about and consider. At first I immediately had trouble falling asleep, my mind was clouded with fears, doubts and depression. It took a few days to come around to the idea that, yes, we indeed are pregnant and yes, I did make this decision of my own accord, and no, there is no way to go back. I'll admit, I fell apart in front of a couple of people, while I agonized over how I should feel. When I finally came to myself I felt ashamed for how I fell apart, on more than one accounts. It was silly and childish and a huge moment of weakness--but when I fell apart, it really felt like a huge problem.

Thankfully the Lord has given me peace concerning this child. Honestly, if this child does end up having Trisomy 18, everything would be okay, but I feel confident that this time we will have a different experience. And I am so looking forward to being excited to have a baby, to dream about their birth and to snuggle with them and play with them and look forward to a long earth life with them. Yes, I feel at peace this time. Looking through Brooklyn's videos I am torn between loving nostalgia for the endless hours Sara and I watched that australian soap opera while we watched over my tender child, or the joy of having her for 20 days....and the heart rending pain of remembering what it felt like to watch her struggle for life. The moment of her birth that I was certain would be her last. When I look at Bentley's photos I am filled with warm fuzzies and the new mom excitement, remembering how beautiful he was and how sweet every moment was. Even when it was 4 AM and I was exhausted and he was crying.

Yes, I am looking forward to that once more. I'll take a boy, or a girl...heck, I'd take both. or two of either (twins, not quadruplets) but according to our 8 week ultrasound, there is only one  baby in there. One beautiful, perfect little child.

In February we will go see the high risk doctor and have a detailed ultrasound to check for congenital defects and look for Trisomy 18--however unlikely--. It will be an interesting time. Last February we found out our daughter was going to die. I hope that this February we will find that our child will live. I would very much like a change of pace.

Now, if only I didn't have to wait so long.....


204 Days left.

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope the new year ushers in the happiest news for you.

Lots of Love,

Courtney

Bounce!

Today's been kind of an up and down day. Speaking to a woman on the phone, she asked me how many children I have. A simple enough question. I just sat there. I'm sure it seemed strange, then, the words just came out of my mouth. "I have two, one is deceased." Well, gee, talk about awkward. Thankfully she had experienced something of a similar nature in her life and she understood my little mishap. I just get so used to people asking if I have one and debating every time what I should say or how I should answer it. Sometimes I just say yes because it's so much easier...but it still feels dishonest. And to be 100% serious, it really only bothers me when I am having a down day. I don't understand where this day came from either. I feel like I have been having some good days. Perhaps I'm just being selfish. My little one and I had a great day today. We played we laughed and we enjoyed each other's company. What more could I ask for?

You know what? No. I have been so blessed lately. There really is no reason to go on  and on about how sad I am and how frustrated I am. Like I'm entitled to be a sally-sob story. I refuse to let this get me down. So someone asked how many kids I have, people are going to ask me that for the rest of my life. I can't kick myself about this for the rest of my life. I can't let the time other people spend with me determine my  happiness or whether or not someone wants to go to the store with me. This pettiness has to end! Just get over it! Just pick yourself up off the floor and think of happy things. Think of the blessing of financial aid. Think of the warm home you have over your head. The presents given to your little one because of the kindness of church members. Think of that heavenly child awaiting you on the other side.

I know sometimes it is easier said than done, but I have faith that when God says we can become like him we can have power over our bodies, our emotions, our mind and anything else that we are. That's why we have the atonement. The Lord can help us overcome our weaknesses and this new-found weakness is not going to determine how I am feeling. I determine how I am feeling.

I choose not to be sad.

I choose to be happy. I choose to feel empowered. I know in whom I have trusted.

Thanks for reading.

Courtney

New church calling!

As many of you know, in our church we don't have any paid clergy this means that all of the members have to work together to fill in the slots and help make the ward what it needs to be. Today I was released in my calling in Activity days for the 10 and 11 year old girls. We are losing our girls to Young womens (Girls 12-18) so they don't need me anymore. Instead,  I was placed into the the primary! Activity days IS in the primary but now I am the Primary Chorister. I get to sing with the kids ages 3 to 12 years every Sunday and prepare for our special primary program in October. I'm really excited for this new calling and I hope I can do it to the best of my ability. 

The winds of change are coming! I believe that this change came at the perfect time, the Lord knows what He is doing and I know He's been hearing my prayers. The children aren't used to visual aids or anything so I basically have a clean slate, I can do whatever I want to teach them the music. :) Anyway, I'm excited.

On another exciting note, our letter came back from the hospital's financial aid and they have granted our petition. This means that all of the hospice bills incurred from our little Brooklyn's life have been forgiven and we are free to save up for the next child or big event in our lives that comes our way. We are so thankful for this tender mercy and so thankful for all the prayers we have received on our behalf. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Courtney

Bound, bound, bound and rebound.

Did you ever see that Jackalope? It was one of the Disney/ pixar shorts right before a movie. The Incredibles, I think... Where the sheep gets sheared naked and dumped in the desert until the next summer and he's embarrassed because he's pink? And he's so sad about it?

That's how I feel this week. It's been an endless cycle of sheep summers. I wake up feeling good, and then the shearers come and I just feel so cut down, my self esteem is taking hits I didn't know were possible and I find myself wading through a wasteland of doubt and self loathing. I don't remember ever suffering from depression before this summer. I guess I was just high on the substance of ME. Lately though, it's getting harder to remember why I used to be SO AWESOME.

Then, every now and again, the Jackalope comes and says, "Pink? Pink? What's wrong with pink! Seems to me you've got a pink kink in your think!" He tells him how great it is to be pink and says you've got to "Bound, bound, bound and rebound!" I keep reminding myself that I need to accentuate the positive and stop thinking such harsh thoughts.

The reason I am so awesome and wonderful, the reason my husband found me so attractive is because I am a confident, optimistic person and I have faith in God. I just want to hold on to those qualities. They are so rare these days. I don't want to be a bitter, hateful, self loathing person. I can endure hard things and still be resilient and positive.

To help dispel the dark clouds that seem to be looming over my head (think of the sad zoloft commercial), I am trying to be more productive in the home. Winter has brought on a slew of delicious treats and I have had no restraint and the 10 lbs I have gained do not flatter me. So instead of worrying about the extra weight and the freezing weather outside. I just have to select better eating choices and try to walk more than I am sitting while I spend the day with Bentley.  I also tend to want to spend money to make myself feel better, so to offset that, I am trying to add to the family budget by writing online for a "freelance" company of sorts. And I am trying so hard not to dwell on the sad parts of missing my daughter.

Today someone was talking to me about my children and she was teary eyed and her voice was wobbly and it was so sweet and I didn't want to listen because I have been having a hard week when it comes to my daughter and I didn't want to cry in front of her. I really didn't. Because the crying I want to do is unproductive. I just want to be sad and wallow and hate the world.

But we can't afford to do that, now can we? There's too much to do and it's hard enough to kick myself in the pants and get to work without the doomsday cloud ticking down over my head.

We have got to bound and REBOUND. What goes up must come down, but then it can go back UP again. And Rebound.

Growing up, my mom has always been there to empower me. She has always been there to tell me how wonderful and smart I am and how I am so valuable and I can do ANYTHING I want because I have an endless potential. I guess it's just getting harder, now that I don't have my personal cheerleader "shish boom ba"-ing me through life. I have to be my own cheerleader now. Be someone else's cheerleader. I know a few cheers. ;)

When it all comes down to it I just need to remember that I am a child of God and I come from a Father of Endless potential. Kittens grow up to be cats. Puppies grow up to be dogs. And humans, if they are righteous, grow up to be God's. Because that's where we came from. All the depressing whisperings come from the adversary who is spiteful and hateful and angry and he wants nothing more than to see me and my family fail. Every moment he can keep me down is a victory for him. And I can rise above it. I can be empowered. I just need to ask in faith and act with confidence.

And remember that it's okay to be sheared pink. And it's okay to be 10 lbs fatter. And it's okay that you don't look like a model every day. You are loved regardless of your shape, your weight, and sometimes your mood. You have an endless potential. You can do ANYTHING. You see the positive in the world.

Walk tall. You're a daughter. A child of God. Be strong. Please remember who you are.

Try to understand.

You're part of his great plan.

He's closer than you know.

Reach out.

He'll take your hand.

6 months. Random reminiscing.

Eating donuts outside in.

Talking about family with my husband and I realized that our little Brooklyn would have been six months already. It's crazy how many babies I know that are about the same age. Brooklyn would never have had the same progression, but it's strange to see these babies grow when our Broo Broo is eternally the same in my mind. Never growing, never changing, always that sweet baby-face wrapped in her polka-dotted blanket.

Today my son and I sat on the couch and read through Brooklyn's book, given to us by her uncle. He had fun pointing out all the butterflies on the pages and babbling about Brooklyn in his own little way. At one point we came to a picture of my son holding my daughter, and he said, "She's sad,"--we've been working on our emotions, happy, sad, mad--and I said, "Oh no, she's not sad, she's happy. She's just sleeping." He accepted this with ease, but then he asked me, "Where Broo Broo go?" This too, is a new question. He often asks where Daddy go or grandpa go, sometimes even "Where mommy go?" I was touched by this innocent, yet urgent question. 

I explained in very concise terms that Brooklyn's body was very sick, so she died and now she lives with Jesus. We will see her again in a long long long long time. 

It was so odd to hear my almost two year old say, "She died".

That's right, sweet heart. But we will see her again.

I ask him often if he wants a new sibling and he always says no. He doesn't want another Broo Broo, he doesn't want a sister or a brother. He's fine the way things are. Ha ha. 

Please don't mistake this post for my depression catharsis, I'm merely musing. We've been so blessed this year, but her absence is still felt, and I think now that my son can express himself better, he wants a better explanation. :) I'll just keep explaining it to him. He's growing fond of Brooklyn's blanket and her bear. 

Sometimes I will be sitting at the table and I wonder what it would have been like to have two children to feed. Crazy, I'm sure, but one day I'll understand how that feels. And I'll get Brooklyn back, but by then all my other children will be grown. Her life will be a wonderful teaching opportunity to remind them of their eternal goal, which is heaven. To be with their sister once more. 

I went to visit a new mom in the hospital. I guess I really haven't seen any new born babies ever since Brooklyn was born. It was a tender experience. One I wasn't really prepared for, but I had my little boy there too and he kept me going. It was such a blessing, though, to see the influence this brand new baby had on the people visiting her. Such a sweet spirit. The child is pending adoption but I hope wherever she ends up she will be loved and cared for. 

That was us, six months ago.

:) no matter. You've got to accentuate the positive or the negative will swallow you whole. And there is so much to be grateful for. 

:) Love you all. Keep the faith. :) Remember, the night is always darkest before the dawn...but the dawn always comes. :)

Thankful

Tonight I was with my son as he was falling asleep and I was really frustrated because I had already left his room and he had thrown a huge fit. Which of course, makes me less likely to go back in because I don't want him to think he can get his way by throwing a fit! After a particularly sad wail I finally relented and I was laying in the dark, hugging my little boy feeling frustrated and irritable at anyone and everyone who could have possibly interacted with me today. I started feeling so sad. Why do I have to be so cranky all the time!? It can't be because of grief ALL THE TIME. It has to be a character flaw or something.

Well, in the spirit of changing my 'tude and softening my own heart. I want to take a moment to say what I am grateful for.

First I want to recognize the sweet innocent spirit who helped me to remember this. My little boy, who cried "Mommy!!" for ten minutes before I went in to lay with him. So desperate for my attention, so quick to forgive. Always quick to forgive. He has been such a strength to me, always loving me no matter how happy or sad or upset I can be. He is always willing to give me hugs and kisses and he is full of laughter. He just lights up my world. I hope I can have more patience with him. I've been much better this past week of taking the time to just be with him and listen to him. It has helped me to control my patience better. We've been reading scriptures together too and I know that has helped. I love him so much. 

I am also thankful for my little Brooklyn, our angel baby. She continues to teach me so much. I am so thankful that I got time with her. So many people don't get time with their angel babies. I am thankful for her sweet spirit and her love for Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for the way everything happened. I am so thankful I get her back again. I am so thankful I have so many pictures of her. Beautiful pictures. To remember my baby with.

There is another person I also am thankful for, my friend and companion, my sweet husband. He has been more than patient with me as I have tried to learn how to cope with everything. He is always thinking of me in the little ways and he is so patient with me when I forget this. The other night I was feeling so low. He spent over an hour just building up my confidence until I was in a much better news, laughing even. I am so thankful for him. He works so hard and he seems to play so little in comparison. And he is most often accessible to me and to my son. He is a great man. I am thankful.

I am so thankful to the volunteer groups and the medical professionals who bent over backwards to make our experience with Brooklyn the very best that it could be. Who took hand molds and free pictures and comforted me while she was living, and were very kind after Brooklyn passed away. I am particularly grateful for Heather, my social worker, and the NICU at the hospital where we delivered. and my Nurse Susan who was there at delivery.

My blood family would have to be next on the list. They have helped in many subtle ways. Their approach is not always seen, but always felt. My mom took a whole week off to help with my daughter and stayed up all night with her so I could get some sleep. Words can't express how wonderful moms are. And the rest of my family has been so loving and so supportive. They would be no matter what, but I feel it so much lately. I love them all so much. I am thankful for each one of them. All of my brothers, my sister, my sisters in law and my brothers in law. They are so good to us.

I am so thankful for my in-laws. I can't pick just one. They are such a good example to me and they have shown me nothing but love for almost three whole years. They are so generous with their time and their means and they show so much love to my son and daughter I could not ask for better family, indeed, or friends. They have been there through the good times and through the darkest of times and we have grown close over the last year for which I am grateful. Thank you.

I am so thankful that during a time when so many people want, we have so much. We have a home, we have food on the table and many sets of clothing. But most of all we have each other. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ and we have a loving Father in Heaven who sees all and knows all. He cares for us each individually and I have felt his love this past year. 

Take a moment, think about what you are thankful for. 

There is a hymn in my church that I love. It goes like this:

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed

when you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

count your many blessings,

name them one by one

and it will surprise you what the Lord has don

Faith! A Talk.

I was asked to speak in church on "Faith" using the Ensign article "Seeing the promises afar off" these are my remarks!

Today I would like to touch on a very sacred topic, I hope you don’t mind. I pray that the spirit may be with us so that we can learn together.

From the very beginning I knew my Brooklyn would be a very special girl. On February 7^th 2013  she was diagnosed via ultrasound with a terminal condition. After subsequent testing the diagnosis was confirmed. Because of the complex nature of the condition no intervention could reasonably be enlisted. It was the worst news I had ever received in my life. My heart felt like it would break. Yet, at the same time I remember feeling the distinct impression that “Everything would be okay.”.

One might ask in light of the situation, “How could everything be okay?” In fact, I made mention of that question many times in one of my many prayers to God. It was incomprehensible to me that—somehow--through death everything would turn out okay. Yet the feelings of peace persisted. She would be okay.  

In the book of Mormon there is a story of a man named Enos. Enos was a righteous man and while hunting he was pondering on the goodness of God. And his soul hungered. This description is something I think we all can relate to. At one point in our lives we have felt hunger. It is a very powerful feeling when you are hungry enough. This “spiritual hunger” caused Enos to pray all day long unto God. Pleading for himself and for his people. God Granted his petition. Then he felt moved to pray for the lamanites who were an unrighteous, unrepentant, blood thirsty people. He prayed that they would have the scriptures and that they did not destroy them like they had promised. God told Enos that even if his own people perished the lamanites would receive the word and would be saved.

In enos’s words:

And I, Enos, knew that God ^acould not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

 7 And I said: Lord, how is it done?

 8 And he said unto me: ^aBecause of thy ^bfaith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee ^cwhole.

Anne C Pingree stated in her talk “Seeing the promises afar off”

“Faith, the spiritual ability to be persuaded of promises that are seen “afar off” but that may not be attained in this life, is a sure measure of those who truly believe. Elder Bruce R. McConkie expressed this truth in these words: “Faith in its full and pure form requires an unshakable assurance and … absolute confidence that [God] will hear our pleas and grant our petitions” in His own due time. Believing that, we too can “stand fast in the faith” today and tomorrow.

When we learned of this news, my soul hungered. I felt a driving force that brought me to my knees to struggle in prayer like Enos did. At first I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for inaccurate test results. I prayed for instantaneous healing. Then I just prayed. Soon after we found out the news Elder Bednar gave a talk for a CES fireside about  recently married couple. 3 weeks later the husband was diagnosed with cancer. Elder Bednar came to give him a blessing and before the blessing he asked him if he had the faith not to be healed. The husband and wife were faithful in accepting the will of the Lord and he was healed.  This resonated with me and I began to seriously consider the fact that my daughter’s condition would be fatal. As I continued to pray, I began to be okay with this. In accepting this diagnosis I was able to look beyond the difficult trial and begin to see the blessings that she would bring to our life. And all along the way the continued assurance that all would be okay.

I love the first book of Nephi, chronicling the journey of Nephi’s family in the wilderness. One particular time I really felt a connection to him was when he is asked to go back to Jerusalem to get the brass plates. Nephi makes three separate attempts to receive the plates, even at the risk of his own life. Nephi describes his trial in this way:

“And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.”

One year I attended girls camp the leaders had a special activity set up. A rope was attached to a tree and wound through the forest. We were blindfolded and told to “grasp the iron rod” and to  “Listen to the holy ghost” amid the other voices trying to tell us what to do. This activity became allegorical for my life and I reflect on it often. When I first began I heard a soft voice tell me “Hold on to the rod and don’t let go until you reach the end.” Suddenly there were many voices shouting, offering me rewards I might have walked away from the “Iron rod for” I was not fooled. I continued following the string for an indeterminate length of time when a voice said, “You’ve done it! You can let go now!” Holding on to the iron rod I felt relieved, I then began to let go, when suddenly I remembered that my instruction was to hold on until I reached the end. I faithfully clasped the “iron rod” and continued on my way despite the other voices telling me to let go. When I finally reached the end I knew it was the end and I received a candybar as my reward. I was grateful I listened to that still small voice.

Richard G Scott said in April of 2003

 “A fundamental purpose of earth life is personal growth and attainment. Consequently, there must be times of trial and quandary to provide opportunity for that development. What child could ever grow to be self-supporting in maturity were all the critical decisions made by parents? So it is with our Heavenly Father. His plan of happiness is conceived so that we will have challenges, even difficulties, where decisions of great importance must be made so that we can grow, develop, and succeed in this mortal probation.  Gratefully, in His perfect love, He has provided a way for us to resolve those challenges while growing in strength and capacity.”

Trials give us the opportunity to choose whether to listen to the other voices or whether to grasp the iron rod and push on toward the tree of life. If we do, our reward is much better than a candybar.

Anne C Pingree told of a trip with her husband to a remote area of their mission in the Ikot Eyo district in Nigeria Africa. The saints knew the appointed day but phones were scarce so no one knew the hour they would arrive. Many saints waited all day to receive a temple recommend. All of the members lived 3,000 miles away from the nearest temple in Johannesburg South Africa. None had received their temple endowment. Of this experience she says,

“When we arrived, I noticed among those waiting in the searing heat were two Relief Society sisters dressed in bold-patterned wrappers, white blouses, and the traditional African head-ties.

Many hours later, after all the interviews were completed, as my husband and I drove back along that sandy jungle trail, we were stunned when we saw these two sisters still walking. We realized they had trekked from their village—a distance of 18 miles round trip—just to obtain a temple recommend they knew they would never have the privilege of using.

These Nigerian Saints believed the counsel of President Howard W. Hunter: “It would please the Lord for every adult member to be worthy of—and to carry—a current temple recommend, even if proximity to a temple does not allow immediate or frequent use of it.”  In her hand, carefully wrapped in a clean handkerchief, each sister carried her precious temple recommend.”

She went on to say, “My husband and I tenderly recalled these sisters and so many other West African Saints on that remarkable day in April 2000 when President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “We announce at this conference that we hope to build a house of the Lord in Aba, Nigeria. Brothers and sisters, I testify that sometimes “miracles…confirm…faith.”

We knew that when we came to earth, this would be a time of testing. And it would be difficult. But it’s okay.

The Lord has said

 “I have decreed in my heart, saith the Lord, that I will prove you in all things, whether you will abide in my covenant, even unto death, that you may be found worthy.

“For if ye will not abide in my covenant ye are not worthy of me” (D&C 98:14–15; emphasis added).

The law of sacrifice provides an opportunity for us to prove to the Lord that we love Him more than any other thing. As a result, the course sometimes becomes difficult since this is the process of perfection that prepares us for the celestial kingdom to “dwell in the presence of God and his Christ forever and ever” (D&C 76:62).

Our little Brooklyn lived 20 miraculous days beyond birth with much difficulty.  Her whole life was an uphill battle. And yet, in her sweet innocence she never gave up faith, she seemed to be fueled with the fire of the testimony of God. Throughout the duration of our trial I found myself kneeling in fervent prayer to understand his ways “for his ways are higher than our ways”.  He never told me that she would die. I was never told how she would die or why she had to die. And when she passed away it was merciful and beautiful and poignant.

I learned that we can do hard things and it’s okay. There are some children who are not meant to remain on this earth. Some people who are called home, seemingly early. There is a greater calling for them on the other side. I will receive my daughter back one day, for that is God’s promise. I will not miss a single moment with her because she will be mine once more. During the difficult times, however, I must act in faith and remember to see the promises afar off. A glorious reward is waiting for me on the other side. Eternal life, eternal family, eternal happiness with Father in Heaven.

I was asked to bear a child and to return her to her Father in Heaven. There will be many things that we will be asked to do but if we have faith and hold to the iron rod, everything will be for our benefit and learning.

Jesus Christ was asked to bear all things. He suffered excruciating agony so that we would not have to. He asks us only to shoulder our burdens for a short time—with his help. There is not a burden he has not carried, a sorrow he has not wept for. He understand our deepest hurts and our most jubilant victories. He suffered and bled and died because he had a full vision of the promises afar off. He knew that we would receive all the promises of God but that some of the promises we would receive after this life.

The faithful words of the song Nearer my god, to thee, forever will ring in my heart.

Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me;

Still all my song shall be nearer, my God, to Thee,

There let the way appear steps unto heav'n;

All that Thou sendest me in mercy giv'n;

Angels to beckon me nearer, my God, to Thee,

My little Brooklyn has gone on to her mission and we will rejoice when we are reunited. Through the ups and downs of life remember that it is not great feat to give into fears and sorrows. We have the ability to look forward with a perfect brightness of faith. Trust in the Lord for all of the promises he has given have been kept and they will all be kept. I testify to you that our trials do not have to break us, they can be a defining shape of our character. As we rise to the challenge of becoming whom we are capable of being God will bless us. no matter what you are enduring right now…no difficulty is so heavy that the Lord cannot shoulder it with you. He will lift your burden, give you comfort and help you to see the promises afar off. Turn to him, ask in faith. Knock and it shall be given unto you.

There will assuredly come a day when “All that was promised the saints will be given.”

I testify of this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

November 10th

Today I want to testify of the goodness of God. 

I spend so much time lately thinking of how much I missed out on with Brooklyn gone. I get embarrassed because I am grieving and other people see it. What's wrong with showing weakness anyway? Everyone has a weakness. I have many. 

Although, today as I was listening to talks by Neal A. Maxwell I came to realize something...

God is all powerful. God is Just. God is merciful and He has a deep and poignant love for us. 

I know that I knew this at some point in this last year and it's a believe that seems to reappear every couple of weeks...How on earth I could forget something so important? 

Of course there are times that God allows us to suffer, that's how we grow. We build character as we go through trials and tribulation. When we can't see our way through the fog, when we feel like the world is going to implode, that's when we can ask God for perspective. We can ask for comfort through the atonement of Jesus Christ. And He has always given it to me. Sometimes we have to bear it a little longer than we would have liked but God is just and He knows our breaking point and if we keep our promises to God and follow his ways there is nothing that we cannot handle without his help.

My sweet daughter Brooklyn was 4lbs and 3 oz. 16 1/2 inches tall. She was perfect. And through the beauty and justice of her birth I learned compassion, empathy, how to submit my will to the Lords and most importantly I learned that I can do hard things--and God will be my support. There is nothing I cannot do with His help. 

And another thing, I didn't miss out on anything. Brooklyn is waiting for me on the other side. In fact, I have faith that she is there every day I need her, encouraging me, keeping her brother safe, preparing our home for the next little baby to grace the walls of our home with their laughter and innocent spirits. Why should I mourn the passing of an innocent, who leaves this world as perfect as, well, a new baby... and enters into an eternal rest. not eternal death. not damnation. Eternal progression, eternal rest. Rest from the difficulties of this world and the tribulations brought on by ourselves and others. 

Every day for Brooklyn was difficult. Every day for 20 days. A baby who could not do anything for herself. Even breathing which is so natural and easy for everyone else was like climbing everest to her. And she was the happiest, sweetest, most perfect little person I have ever met. Everyone that came into contact with her felt the spirit of God and felt a little more perfect that day.

And that's the whole goal, right? To become perfect? To become like a child?

A child submits to the will of their father, Brooklyn was completely at our whims. And we loved her every moment that we could despite our fears, despite our pains and our anxieties. We would have kept her if we had the choice. But I believe that God, in  his mercy knew that it was time for her to come home. 

This is a God that creates billions of people, worlds, galaxies, universes and has his hand in all of them keeping them and blessing them to work in perfect harmony. He is more powerful than any power on this earth. He has offered us everything. And through His son He has offered a way back. Jesus Christ is the way. If we follow His commandments. Be baptized in His name, keep our promises to him and learn all we can from His gospel we can return to live with God. And all our family members.

Sometimes when I feel sad, I have forgotten this. I have to remind myself that God is a god of order. He is the same yesterday today and forever. If he can free the Israelite from Pharaoh and create life from matter, he can help me to have children and raise them without incident. And if an incident need occur...then we will get through it. 

I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense...all I know is that I want to be like Brooklyn. I want to be a good example of a disciple of Christ. I want to have faith that He will care for me as he does for the flowers that don't work for their food, for newborn babes who can't even hold up their heads. I want to have faith that everything in the world is right, and not that everything in this world is tragic.

I apologize if I rambled but know this. God lives. His Son is Jesus Christ. Through Jesus Christ we can return to heaven and be with our family forever. FOREVER! And I am so happy to have met my sweet Brooklyn. She taught me so much. She continues to be a life lesson that the Lord uses to teach me. 

:) Keep the faith everyone.

Courtney

Happy Birthday London

9 purple carnations

The gift of losing a child

Today a student in my husband's class went in for an induction. Apparently several months ago they discovered their child had Trisomy 18. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat on the fetal heart tone monitor and so they suspect the baby will be stillborn. Thinking about this situation I thought of these words:

Where has gone the pitter-patter beat
Predecessor to pitter-patter feet?

Words again fail to express the truly horrific feelings of the loss of my child. I just think of the agonizing wait to find out how bad off my child was and how likely it was that I would see her alive in this world. Not knowing which moment it would be that she would leave this world. I remember the moment I was told about her trisomy, as I've said before. In some ways she died that day, in my mind. My heart just breaks for this wonderful young mother.

We have truly been blessed in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We have been given restored knowledge that we can be together with our families forever if we keep God's commandments and the covenants we make in the temple. I know that I will see my Brooklyn again. This knowledge does not strip my experience with grief, it just emboldens me when I stare into the gaping jaws of despair. I know that there is hope. God is a merciful God and He will return to us all the things we lose in this life, only he will return them magnified and improved.

Sometimes I wish I could take other's burden's upon myself. I know that I can handle some things but I don't know what others can handle. I imagine that's how our parents feel about this difficult last year. It must be so difficult to watch your children go through a very hard trial, not knowing what they need or how to help or how to heal their hearts.

Thing is, we can't take on ourselves other's burdens, that's not a power that we have--we can't even handle our own burdens sometimes (although we can help shoulder them occasionally)! There is someone who can and will and does, however. His name is Jesus Christ. He bore every imaginable hurt, and he suffered for us in the garden of Gethsemane, all the way to Golgotha.

The question is not, will we endure difficult things. The question is how will we endure it? Will we ride into the wind on our raggedy mule, fighting the torrential rains (of seemingly hell itself) into the gates of heaven? Or will we fall, broken, hopeless and without faith?

Put your faith in Jesus Christ and in that God that gave you life. Fight. Push on. Do not give up. Sad things will happen. YOU CAN ENDURE. God gave you that power. He gave you agency. And He promised that He would help you through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ.

When I heard about Kayla and her baby with Trisomy 18, now considered stillborn, I just wanted to...tell SOMEONE. I just wanted to be heard. It's so hard to tell someone who doesn't understand, because they don't know what to do with that knowledge. They don't know what to say or how to react. Sometimes I just want someone to hear that I am hurting. To know that I am not alone in this. To let myself remember that Others in this situation are not alone. And together we are strong.

And another thing. To have a perfect child that only needs a body to get into heaven, a child too precious to endure the wickedness in this world. Is the most painful blessing I have ever received. And I would do it all over again if I had to. I wouldn't have changed anything about her. She was hand picked by the Lord to return home. And I DO believe that. What a beautiful gift.

Thanks for listening.

My social worker's baby died just before Brooklyn was born. Here is her blog in case anyone would like more thoughts on losing a child. Her words are extremely insightful. And very honest. I appreciate how she deals with her grief. http://babytatumtime.blogspot.com

Love you all,

Thank you for your emails and comments.

Courtney

A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words bring about anger

I go through cycles. Do you go through cycles? I most certainly do. It's bad when  realize I'm stuck in a cycle, it's even worse when others realize that I'm stuck in a cycle. And lately this cycle is making me very sick to my stomach. It is a self-destructive cycle of laziness and depression followed by a renewed sense of purpose and determination to change, back into laziness and depression again. I don't know if depression is the right word, but it feels like the right word for the moment. I notice it most in my house keeping. In the doldroms of my cycle I have no energy and I am sluggish and I don't clean or have the desire to clean and I am extremely short tempered. I probably don't eat well and I sleep okay but then, when does the mom of a toddler get as much sleep as she actually wants? Mmm...never.

It's normal to go through cycles, I get it. This time, however, it has really been frustrating. I am generally a happy person (Those who have worked with me in any capacity can vouch for me) and a kind person, but I feel like I am much less forgiving and the wick of my anger is much shorter than it used to be. I just have to wonder why is that? When I have everything I have ever wanted and more. Can't I just be happy with what I have? Do I have to act like red-faced-irritated-rhino?

Upon further reflection I think it has to do with my grief. I can't tell you how wonderful my good days are. They are so wonderful and so happy and so positive and I can be patient and understanding with my toddler, but then the bad days come like thunderstorms with near banging doors and ruffled feathers, hiss, spit and vinegar. I know that it's a problem. Sometimes I feel like I am hurting and I don't know how to deal with it because I don't feel like crying and I'm trying to be happy and move on but I don't want to and the emotional stress wears me out and then Bentley is STILL teething. Sometimes I feel like it will never stop--and he's starting to be openly belligerent...All this notwithstanding, it doesn't excuse my outlet of grief as anger.

Anger is so dangerous and so inappropriate. I know it is one of the stages of grief but it's one that I could do without. I am so sick at myself when I make a snide remark or I think an unkind thought, when I complain or initiate negative conversations I just feel so sick to my stomach, and then I want to cry. And I feel like everyone is so over everything that happened this last june. I know it was five months ago but it feels like yesterday to me.

And I never know if I want to talk about it or not. I wish people would stop asking me to reexamine my feelings.

I wish I really knew what I wanted.

:) perks of being a girl, I guess.

Anyway, I am reading lots of talks by the apostles of the church and I am going to start studying the life of Christ to try and help myself overcome this cycle of anger, sadness and frustration and return to my happy, content self. I know that Brooklyn is mine forever. I know that I will see her again. I know she is happy. I want to be happy too. For my husband and for my son, if not for myself. They don't deserve to see that side of me when no one else gets to. I love them with all my heart.

There is a hymn in our church hymn book, it goes like this:

 School thy feelings, O my brother;

Train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

But let wisdom’s voice control.

School thy feelings; there is power

In the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason’s tower,

Makes the clearest vision blind. …

School thy feelings; condemnation

Never pass on friend or foe,

Though the tide of accusation

Like a flood of truth may flow.

Hear defense before deciding,

And a ray of light may gleam,

Showing thee what filth is hiding

Underneath the shallow stream.

School thy feelings, O my brother;

Train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

But let wisdom’s voice control.

I know that this is God's will for me, to learn to control my temper. If you are having a hard time controlling your emotions, I have a few recommendations.

Slow to Anger

School Thy Feelings O my brother

Cooling your anger


As they say on Batman:

The night is always darkest before the dawn.

Courtney

"You are not yet as Job"

This past week I have had several encounters with people who are experiencing a very difficult time. Each time I have been able to listen with a cheery heart despite the difficulties they were going through. Perhaps I came off a little unsympathetic, but each time they referenced my daughter's passing and how difficult it must have been--but I was in such a good mood I really couldn't remember how it felt. Each time I talked to these people, I tried to dig deep to remember what it felt like to go through that very difficult time in my own life. All that digging produced the effect I think they are feeling. I should have stopped digging. It has, however, been eye opening to listen and to hear and feel their frustration and their hurt. Then I was privileged to give a lesson on the martyrdom of the prophet Joseph Smith to the 12 year old kids in our church and I was taught an important lesson.

The prophet Joseph Smith astounds me. At 14 years old he was reading the scriptures in James, chapter 1 verse 5 and decided to ask God which church to join. God and His son appeared to Joseph and told him that he should join none and that God would restore His church through Joseph Smith. At 14. Then the persecution began. As a teenager he was reviled and abused and tormented by a variety of people. In the following years he had several more visions, received the gold plates (which was the record he translated into the Book of Mormon) and established the church. Along this road he was tarred and feathered, he was beaten by mobs, several of his children died in their infancy, some members of the church betrayed him, his wife questioned him at times, he was fraudulently arrested and charged with ridiculous crimes of which he was innocent and at last he was murdered in cold blood leaving his family and the budding church to deal with the opposition of the people of Illinois. None of which could have been very easy. And yet he never lost faith. He was faithful until the end.

There was one point, in Liberty Jail, when persecution was raging and Joseph and others were illegally arrested and held in a dungeon of a jail and not allowed to see their family for months and were treated poorly Joseph asked this question of God

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

This wonderful, obedient servant had been and was currently enduring pain beyond my comprehension. I have lost one child, he lost six. Along with everything else that was going on in his life, he lost 6 babies. I've seen marriages and lives fall apart because of much less than this. And do you know the Lord's response?


" My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job." Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7-10

No matter what happens in this life, it will be okay. Even Joseph Smith, who went through all this at one time asked God where he was, wondered if the Lord still had a handle on his life.

I just want to testify to all of you out there who are hurting. All of your aching hearts and eyes tired from crying will be made whole in time. God does not forget his children. Sometimes we are asked to bear burdens, and they are called burdens for a reason. But God is always near us and he has promised that if we keep his commandments and live up to our potential angels cannot be restrained from being our associates. As it says in a song,

For a little while 

Have I forsaken thee; 

But with great mercies will I gather thee. 

In a little wrath I hid my face from thee 

For a moment. 

But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee, 

And with mercy will I take thee ‘neath my wings, 

God has not forsaken you. he will not forsake you. He cannot forsake you. Don't you know that Jesus died for you? Don't you know that He has graven you upon the palms of His hands? Jesus suffered and died for each one of us and if we have faith in him he will succor us. He will heal us. Have faith. Know God loves you, even if you can't feel it right now.  You are not alone.

I know this because He has been teaching me this very concept this year. Keep the faith. I'm praying for you.


Courtney

A few words on Loss and dealing with it

It's so strange how loss can creep up on you at basically any given moment. It's like, a whole week of good, positive feelings and then BAM! And you can just feel that pit in your chest and the burning behind your eyes. Today at the grocery store I happened to see a woman I used to know. She was with her family and I stopped by to say Hi when this strange look came over her face. I had two lightning fast thoughts back to back. 1. I wonder if she's still uncomfortable about that one thing that happened in our neighbor hood and 2. She knows about Brooklyn--or does she know about Brooklyn? Now, I don't speak for the general populace of people who have lost a loved one but for me, sometimes I have feelings of...shame. And it's so silly to put it that way but I don't have any other way of explaining it. It's almost like...I have this gaping wound where everyone can see it but only some people actually look at it. And when they look right at it and I know they are looking at it I feel a mixture of sadness for the cause of the wound, embarrassment for the other person's discomfort and shame that they are seeing something so intensely personal and I did not give them permission to see it. 

My cousin made some comments today. He is having a rough time right now and his family is just...falling apart. I apologize if any involved parties read this and have hurt feeling about that comment, but it's just so tragic. He commented that everything is so fake and that people just pretend that everything is fine and happy. Now, I have no idea how everyone must be feeling but sometimes it's true. Sometimes we do fake the happy. No one wants to air out their dirty laundry where everyone can see it. No one wants to feel everyone's eyes on their wide open wounds. Even if they are healing. It's ugly and raw and sad. 

I do want to say that not everyone is fake. Not everyone just puts on a show all the time. Sometimes we do it to shield loved ones from unnecessary pain. Sometimes we do it to keep ourselves together. But for all those of you who are going through a difficult time. It's okay to feel sadness. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to feel anger and pain. It's natural to feel these things. And it's okay to talk to other people. You don't have to fake a smile all the time. It's more than okay to sit down with a friend and say, "You know what? I'm having a really bad day. Things aren't going so well." sharing your burden with others can be a very cathartic and therapeutic experience. Sometimes it helps just to work through the craziness in your head and say it out loud. Sometimes that friend is the answer to our most private and sacred prayers. 

No matter how you slice it, everyone is going through a hard time. No matter what it is. If you assume that everyone is experiencing a crisis, you will be right 50 % of the time. You can't fix it. Don't try. It will be awkward, it will be uncomfortable. Just do what you feel is right. If you want to acknowledge it, do, if you don't, don't. Just show love to everyone you meet. You never know what healing is under way, or what hurts are fresh and painful. Everyone needs a smile. Everyone needs a laugh. And everyone needs a friend.

And for those of you who are suffering and cannot find relief through friends or books or music or anything else, turn to God. He will heal you through the atonement of His son. 

God loves you and nothing will ever change that love. Nothing.

Courtney 

How to be happy~

I have been thinking a lot lately about my son's newest habit. He loves to find joy in EVERYTHING. Doors open and close, you can go up AND down stairs, a trampoline is bouncy and puddles are fun to splash in. What I love about this new found joy is that he isn't content to experience it himself. After enjoying the activity once or twice (without fail) it suddenly occurs to him that EVERYONE should love this activity. A whole new world of happiness and love opens up in his little heart and he grabs the nearest person (usually mom) and says, "Come here!"

Reading with Mom

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I will follow after my son's example and invite you all to "Come here," so I can share something wonderful with you too.

When I lived in Alabama I worked at a nursing home. It was the first time I had lived outside of a predominately Mormon community and I was not prepared for the opposition that some organizations and individuals give to those of my faith. Well, I worked with a man who was very against The "Mormons" and during my lunch break one day he instigated a discussion with me about how Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet and the Book of Mormon wasn't true. Me, I was surprised and taken aback and like any person backed into a corner I went on the offensive.
I will never forget the man's reaction when I boldly said, that I knew Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that the Book of Mormon is the Word of God and I had read it and He should too. And I held up my Book of Mormon for him to read it.

His eyes went HUGE and he said "No thank you!" and He bolted from the room.

At this same nursing home people were always asking me, "Why are you so happy?" I was asked in many different ways but it usually boiled down to this question.

My answer to you is: Because I know that the Gospel was restored on this earth. I have read the Book of Mormon and it is the word of God. God has a living prophet on the earth and He teaches us God's will. And I encourage all of you to read the Book of Mormon and reread it! And when you are done pray and ask God. As it says in the Bible:

James 1:5
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not and it shall be given him.

And you will have this promise found in the Book of Moroni

Moroni 10: 3-5
3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

 4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

 5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

I invite you to read the Book of Mormon. Pray about it. Find out for yourself if it is true. I testify to you that it IS true. You will feel the spirit of God testifying to you in your heart.  "But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right." D&C 9:8.  I can testify of this because I have already done this thing. Read the Book of Mormon. It will bring you closer to God than any other book. The Book of Mormon does not invalidate the Bible. It is a companion to the Bible and they will confirm one another.

I promise you these things in the name of my Lord and Master, Jesus Christ.


  If you have questions, please let me know, or Ask the Missionaries, they can help you.

Courtney

The Headstone

I know the blog has been stagnating here. Today I break my silence.

I want to take one more moment to express my gratitude to all of those people both here in Utah and outside of Utah for their kindness and compassion and their generosity toward our family over this last year. It's difficult to explain the feelings and emotions that we have felt as a family--and continue to feel at times. 

Nearly four months ago my daughter Brooklyn was born. A little over three months ago she died. We are a student family and we don't have much, but what we had to give was hers. And I can't thank everyone enough for making it possible for our family to give Brooklyn the best that we could afford as our parting gift. Without the meals and the selfless donations to our family there is no way we could have paid for all of her expenses. Without family, I don't know that I could have done a lot of what I did. And I know that I couldn't have done any of it without my Heavenly Father. "If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it!"

I guess up until recently I didn't think it would be hard to see other babies. I was wrong. It is easy when I see babies. When I see them grow and progress, however, I feel a little pain in my heart. When I see siblings playing together or I figure out the difference in age between siblings and realize they are close in age like my children would have been, or I go to costco and the cart has a seat for two children. I know I'm just bleeding my heart a little bit, but sometimes I just need an outlet for some of my sad feelings. I tell myself that I don't have issues with fertility, I could have another baby--but that baby isn't Brooklyn. And I know that I will get her back. I know I'm just letting the sad things get me down but I am so homesick today.  I am so happy that the headstone is in and I am done with the whole process. It is all finished...but my heart aches a little.

I look at all the pictures we took and my heart just...sings. I'm so grateful I got that time with her. I can't wait until I can have more. Its just so hard to wait. I'm secretly hoping the next baby will come and fill the void--just a little bit. Bentley does most of the time, but I yearn for more children. I know many women understand this feeling, probably more so than I do, but I miss my little Brooklyn. And I want to feel excited and happy and care for other children.

With time.

Anyway, sorry about the ramble. :) Life really is good, I'm so happy the headstone is in, It is absolutely gorgeous and you guys made it happen. Thank you so much. I know Brooklyn doesn't care about what she is buried in or what her headstone looks like but I think they are absolutely beautiful. Thank you thank you thank you.

Keep the faith,


Courtney

Tender Mercies

Today I went to the cemetery--again. I've been diligently keeping my eye out for Brooklyn's headstone. It wasn't there. As Bentley and I were walking around a young woman, probably not much older than me, got out of her car and walked over to the Angel garden where my angel is sleeping. She was perusing the headstones casually. I asked her if one of the babies were hers. Turns out, her baby is buried up north, but she was looking for ideas for her child's headstone.
I won't disclose the conversation that we had because it was very sacred to me. To share, just for a small moment, the grief of another woman's pain. Our daughters left this world within close proximity to one another, only I knew before hand and I had her longer. It was so interesting to look at this woman, so sad, yet hopeful. The way she spoke, so soft, subdued, looking at the ground. It was like seeing a mirror of myself.

I don't feel like that girl anymore.

I hope I will never forget my experience in the Angel Garden. I hope that, like my Brooklyn, I was able to be an angel in her time of need. I called the monument company again :). Brooklyn's stone has been cut and placed in cement, we should see it placed in the ground within the next week supposing the weather stays clear.

Still

Yesterday I went to the cemetery to see if the monument company had placed Brooklyn's headstone. I was reminded of when Brooklyn died. In fact, every time I drive by the mortuary I am reminded of this. The movies always make death very dramatic. The music and the crying and the heartbreak. After we discovered Brooklyn had died we were with her body for several hours. At first it was just shock. We sat there together. The house was very still. As if one less spirit in the house decreased all sounds by half. The world didn't stop. There was no dramatic music, just an acute awareness of how still my child really was. After awhile It began to hit me that she was gone. I removed all of the stickers and the oxygen from her face and I dressed her for burial. I realized that I would have to let the funeral home take her body away.

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't watch. It was too much for me. Everyone else watched though--and in the end I watched the van drive away with my daughter's body.

Shortly after I was in the funeral home. I was surprised at how peaceful it was. So quiet. So calm. For a place that sees so much death it was just...not what I expected. The funeral director was very kind and understanding. He helped us pick out a casket and explained to us that the headstone would not be ready for burial, it would be put in months later. And I don't know what I was expecting at the grave-side services but it was so strange to be sitting in the chairs before my daughter's casket as we sang and spoke of Christ and of being reunited and having faith in God's plan. Weird because everyone wants to comfort you and no one knows how so you end up sitting there, smiling for all those watching--at least, I did. I wasn't sad that day, because Brooklyn was with me. I could feel her. Sometimes I still can.

I didn't get to know Brooklyn as long as some who lose a loved one. Perhaps that's why my whole world didn't come crashing down during those days. I know she's in a better  place and she is free from her prison-body. Sometimes I miss her though, very intensely. One blessing I have been grateful for is the lack of jealousy or envy of other women's babies.

I have noticed an increase in my desire for more children. I'm afraid I will have to wait until after I go back to the doctor for an ultrasound of my chest. I am positive nothing is wrong, but I would hate to get pregnant and then discover that I have a serious problem.

My heart aches, just a little when I think of my sweet little Brooklyn.

My son and I are back to life as normal. He is just...growing up so fast. I don't mourn my daughter every day...just...some days. Most of the time I am too busy learning my son's personality to worry about anything else.


I guess i didn't really say anything...just...expressing some feelings.

Here is a video of my little Brooklyn. If for no one else, then for me. I can't figure out how to put it on, but here is the link.

C


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBT6DeY94uM

Growing, Growing, Growing

This little boy turned 18 months this last week and over the past couple of days he has just...grown! He is so big now! He can say, "I love you,", "Ravioli" and now he does the actions to this song. I love him so much!!!

Grow baby, grow! Just not too fast. Mommy loves you being little.


Moi <3

Goodbye /Death and Cruelty

"Goodbye,"

Such a simple expression. The act of bidding someone a fond farewell, until we meet again. As Bentley and I watched Grandma leave today we were both feeling it, a visceral reaction to the word, "Goodbye". I'm sure Bentley was remembering another time he waved goodbye to a loved one. I get so worried with people coming and going that he might start to think that everyone is temporary. This time I was sure to explain that she would not come back for a long time. Of course, there is skype, but that really isn't a replacement for holding someone in your arms or talking with them face to face. Technology has its perks and it's detriments. 

Goodbye, Grandma! Can't wait to see you again.

And then there were two. With hubby off to work today it's Bentley and I. He's having some quiet time. I was hoping he would go to sleep, but it doesn't sound like it.

Perhaps Goodbyes, whether in life or in death are meant to cause such sadness, to inspire us to want to be good, to want to do right by those we love. To do whatever we can to see them again. Saying "Goodbye". It sounds so final. It's not though, is it? If a loved one lives far away, you can see them again some day. If a loved one dies, you will still see them again. It will be much longer and you will have to account for all the time between when you saw them last and when you see them again...but you will see them again. Death is not this scary monster that Hollywood makes it. While tragic, yes, death is peaceful. Death is freedom from pain and suffering, it is liberating to the sick and the lonely and the infirm. We are supposed to live and thrive and do our best, but, with all things that have their season, death is meant to happen to all.

Some live to be old, sharing their wisdom, learning new lessons. Some are young, perfect and sheltered from this cruel world. Someone said the other day that God is a cruel God...I reject this statement wholeheartedly. Would a cruel God give us a body? A body with which to run and to play, to eat and to sleep and to work and relax? Would he give us an experience on earth where we can feel so much sorrow, but at the same time so much joy and love and laughter? Would a cruel God give us endless chances to repent and to say we are sorry? Would a cruel God send His only son to bear excruciating agony, to be nailed to a cross and to die for us? Would  a cruel God provide for us? Create life in us? sustain our every breath? Create a world for our benefit and our enjoyment? Would a cruel God comfort us and love us? And hear our prayers?

The God that I have come to know and love is not cruel. My God is merciful. Of course there are bad things in this world. Of course difficult situations arise and loved ones die. But people have their free agency and God has many things to teach us. 

There is a song that I have come to love throughout my daughter's life and death. The words go like this:

How could the father tell the world of Love and Tenderness?

He sent his Son, a new born babe, with peace and holiness.

How could the father show the world the pathway we should go?

He sent his Son to walk with men on earth that we may know.

How could the father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?

He sent his Son to die for us, and rise with living breath.

And all he asks is that we keep His commandments. That we live like His Son. How do you explain to a fish what it is like to breathe air? It's not something you can explain. They don't know what lungs are, they don't know what oxygen is...God knew the perfect way to teach us was to show us, to demonstrate to us what His will for us was and then to command us to follow His Son so we can return to him. This year I asked God to teach me many things. In answer God blessed me with a daughter. I've come to learn that Angels are often disguised as daughters.

The Lord was with me every step of the way, like a loving parent, drying my tears, hushing my fears and cradling me in his love. He has provided help to pay for Brooklyn's funeral expenses, he has fed me through the generosity of strangers and friends and he has uplifted me through the power of the Atonement, through the power of His Son, Jesus Christ. 

I ask you, is God Cruel?

I guess that is a question you will have to ask yourself. I, for one, know that He is merciful. He is a just and merciful God. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. God knows all. His ways are higher than our ways. He knows us. He loves us. He has a plan for us. We just need to trust God. He will reunite us with our families one day. And one day, when His Son comes again every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess that He is our Lord and Redeemer. He is the Son of God and He has redeemed us from our sins. 

I hope to obtain those blessings one day. I hope to see Brooklyn again and to take her in my arms and to rejoice with her.

I love my Heavenly Father. I love His Son, Jesus Christ. And I know that His words are true and faithful.

And I know these things to be true because God answers prayers and He has reassured me time and time again.

I leave these thoughts with you in the name of Jesus Christ.

Bentley and Mommy

My feelings as of late have been...tender. Bentley is still teething (will it ever end?) and he is really cranky especially at night, which means that he cries longer than usual when I put him to sleep. I can't stand it. I know I should stay out of his room but then I remember that one never really knows how long their loved ones or oneself will be here upon this earth. Not in a morbid way, just, we shouldn't take our loved ones for granted. Anyway, lately I have been spending more time in Bentley's room rocking him to sleep. He's getting old enough that now he kicks and fights me sometimes, but when he becomes tired he relaxes and he just babbles to me.

Oh, how I love this time. Bentley doesn't cuddle very often and he doesn't get sick often, so my cuddle time has been cut down severely. Guess it has to happen. I wish it didn't though.

My progress with that book is going well, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel like I am already thinking more about others and less about myself. Between that book and scripture study I just feel more loving. It helps that I am thinking of others and not dwelling on the sad feelings that I have. I can feel them being shelved. It may seem like I am just suppressing my feelings but I remind you that I have been grieving since february. Now my thoughts begin to turn to having a baby again--but only some days. I want a new cuddle buddy, I want another little voice in our house, but at the same time, I think I can wait longer. I probably should wait, I should probably avoid doctors for the next little while. I don't want to have to go through the story a million times with a new OB. And yes, I will be going to a new clinic. Not that the clinic didn't do well, I Just didn't find that we were very compatible. 

I laugh sometimes...you don't have children because you want a cuddle buddy...I do want more children in my home, though. more work, yes, more money, of course, but what isn't? and I can't think of anything that brings more joy than my family. 

Anyway, enjoy your Sunday. :)

Catharsis--in which my heart bleeds, just a little.

It has been an interesting day today. I am currently working on a couple of things right at the moment. Well, one thing really but it's a rather multifaceted project. When it comes down to it what I am essentially trying to do is turn my frustration, grief and sadness into love, peace and service. I consider myself a kind and loving person but over the past couple of months I find that it is all too easy to love to hate people. I am easily upset and irritated, I always seem to put my feelings first and my desires above everyone else. It makes me so sad to see how selfish I have become. It doesn't help that everyone tells me to take this time and to be selfish. I don't want to be selfish. It only hurts those that I love. I have been reading a book about love and learning to serve those that you love, particularly your spouse and it says that the definition of selfishness is "to sacrifice others for your benefit" whereas love is to "deny yourself for others". It also says that someone who is easily irritated is a selfish person. Love "controls emotions, it does not let emotions control you". Some days I do really well, especially with my desire to be happy from now on. Some days I just feel such a profound sadness.

It makes me sad because when I feel my emotions rioting with irritation or anger or frustration I remember that I can't be mad, I can't harbor hurt or irritation because it isn't productive. I can't be angry, I just have to let perceived slights--or even intended slights--go. I just have to let it go, I don't have the defense of getting upset with them. So it hurts and I can't understand why, when I am trying so hard to happy and trying so hard to be nice and not get frustrated with other people that they seem to be more so toward me. It sounds like I am wallowing, and maybe I am. Does that break my resolution to be happy? ha ha. I'll try not to be. But just hear me out.

I haven't decided if the perceived slights are more common because I have been so cranky lately that people are on the defensive or if because I am trying so hard I am reading people wrong? I don't know. I don't know how well I am doing on this project either. I will start again tomorrow.

On the Brooklyn front, I found the blog of a very kind woman whom administered in my life like an angel (if I can say it like that) It is so interesting to hear an echo of my words. She mentioned some things that I have been struggling with lately, so if you will allow me to permit, here is a bit of my catharsis.

Today in church I sat behind a mother with a brand new six week old baby. It will be 8 weeks since Brooklyn passed away. She would be 10 weeks old this week. The baby was so cute! She didn't look a thing like my daughter but all of the sudden I just felt a very deep sadness, right where my heart should be. I tried so hard not to cry. I can't even explain why or how it made me sad. I just had this desire to hold the baby. To ask to hold the baby. But I knew that if I asked to hold her daughter that my heart would just break. I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions together and that would be so embarrassing when so many others are trying not to make it weird for me. And I know that it shouldn't be a big deal if I start crying--but to me it is a big deal. When I hurt, I really hurt. It is raw and painful and sad. It borders on despair. And no one knows what to say, no one knows how to make it feel better. When I feel such sadness I just want someone to hold me in their arms and I feel like that should make it all better but it doesn't. It just keeps hurting, so sharp and sad. The only relief I get from that sadness is to cry it out or to pray to my Heavenly Father. I need the balm of Gilead. I'm not trying to take away the opportunity to serve me or mourn with me...it just doesn't seem to help. People say things and the harder they try to fix it the sadder I become.

anyway... let's get back on track. So after sitting behind this adorable child for an extremely distracting hour the mom came up to me and talked to me about Tuesday (her grandmother had asked me to watch the baby and siblings while they attend a mormon temple nearby). I had already said yes. So when she asked me I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't know if I could do it. Just imagining holding that brand new baby brought me to tears. 

She went on to say that baby isn't very good with a bottle so it might be frustrating. She asked how many kids I had. I said, "I just have my one son right now," though I thought, I have two. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her about Brooklyn, what if she changed her mind? I have been hoping to hold someone's newborn baby for awhile now, if only to be that much closer to holding Brooklyn.

Then she tried to tell me how it might be really hard to take care of the baby. I wanted to tell her that the baby would be easy and I know how it is to take care of a newborn and since her baby had no complications it should be a piece of cake, but all I could say was, "We will be fine. I can always call some reinforcements." It was such one sided conversation. Everything I wanted to say was tucked away under my injured wing.

I am so excited to watch her baby. I will have four or five hours to watch the baby all by myself. I will have to watch other kids too...but just to hold a little baby without someone else hovering or being a mom, but to pretend just for a day...is both the saddest and most wonderful thing I could ever imagine doing right now.

I will admit I am more than a little baby hungry right now. It's so frustrating that even though I have the ability to get pregnant quickly, that perhaps I should wait until the medical bills are paid. Maybe I should wait until we save up a little more. Maybe I should take a break from the insensitivity of professionals and the doctor's visits and the endless questions. Maybe I should just wait. But I don't want to wait. I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant right now. It will take an entire year before our next one is born. 10 months is a very long time.... but then I have to worry about the hormones and the pregnancy fatigue and the anxiety and the other symptoms that come with pregnancy. Medical expenses, additional diapers, and so much more. With the last two babies we just decided to have them and we did. And it all worked out, and it will again, but I should think things through a little more. 

Okay, catharsis over. If you didn't read it, good for you! If you did, I'm sorry. Those are all such ugly and painful feelings.

Thank you for sticking with me. Tomorrow we start over with our multifaceted love/service project. It's like dieting. I have to allow myself to indulge a little bit and then I can be so so so so so so SO strict. I just need a little comfort food every now and again. Tomorrow is a new day.

Headstone proof should be approved this week. Headstone should be in the ground within the next two months. :) I'm excited.

Courtney